The End

Winners

Put your money on France. In 32 matches between Italy and France, the Italians have won 17; the French have won just 7. But in the past nine meetings, France have won five and Italy only one.

England will play a key part in the final. Hurrah! Alan Cairncross, the Scots heads groundsman at the Berlin Olympic Stadium, is using two 30-year-old English-made Ransomes Mastiff lawnmowers to trim the turf. “The mowers are almost as good now as when they were new,” says Carincross. Hurrah!

John Terry has made it into the World Cup team of the tournament. Other players who have graced the English game and feature in the elite group are: Maniche and Carvalho (Portugal), Vieira and Henry (France) and Crespo (Argentina).

Joe Cole is to marry Carly Zucker, the Wag who got up Victoria Beckham’s nose.

Ashley Cole has been on a £35,000 stag do in Marbella. Ashley eased the pain of England’s limp performances in the World Cup by going lap-dancing and drinking.

Losers

His brains are in his feet. France’s Franck Ribery was kicked out of Lille’s youth scheme because he failed to make the grade academically.

Should we feel sorry for Frank Lampard? Having seen his stock fall faster than Ronaldo in the penalty box, the Chelsea player has been getting away from it all on a luxury yacht – the one with a Portugal flag fluttering off the stern.

Sepp Blatter, Fifa’s diminutive president, says that when young he used to dive a bit. “I tried to get some advantages by falling down and saying ‘but he touched me’,” says Blatter. Blatter is Swiss, not Portuguese.

You can now buy an England flag at Tesco for 1p.

Posted: 9th, July 2006 | In: Back pages Comment | TrackBack | Permalink