The Pope Must Die

“THE Pope must die.”

It’s the title of the new film playing in the Daily Mail.

The Pope (played by Mel Gibson, who wasn’t in the Hitler Youth) will take on the Muslim world, led by Anjem Chouhdray (Alan Rickman).

It’s a sure-fire hit. And given that Pope loves a sequel – we are currently on Benedict XVI – it promises to be the first instalment of a film franchise that will endure until some Iranian leader with chronic short man syndrome blows up the planet. It might even outlast Bond.

That for later. For now, the paper starts filming outside Westminster Abbey in London. Choudary is standing before a gang of “Muslim hardliners”.

Some hold aloft placards “TRINITY OF EVIL: WESTERN CRUSADE AGAINT ISLAM”; “Pope go to hell”; “GOLF SALE”. Others look they are expecting a sudden change in the weather, wearing scarves swaddled around their faces and sunglasses (thus introducing the film’s global warming subplot).

Choudary addresses the crowd. “Whoever insults the message of Mohammed is going to be subject to capital punishment.”

Is he going to kill the Pope? “I am here have a peaceful demonstration. But there may be people in Italy or other parts of the world who would carry that out.”

And over in those other parts of the world, the Mail sees a nun shot dead in Somalia and churches attacked in the West Bank and Gaza.

Meanwhile, over in the Vatican, the Pope apologises for any offence caused and blames it on a moment of madness.

“The Holy Father is very sorry that some passages of his speech may have appeared offensive to Muslims and were interpreted in a way he hadn’t intended them to be,” says Vatican Secretary of State Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone (Harvey Keitel).

A spokesman for Scotland Yard (Helen Mirren) says the protest in London involved around 100 people and “passed off peacefully”.

And at home an audience wonders if the story will live up to the hype…

Posted: 18th, September 2006 | In: Broadsheets Comment | TrackBack | Permalink