A Night Hoff The (Scrabble) Tiles
“I SPOKE to Tom Cruise when I was axed…he helped me,” said David Beckham on the Mirror’s front page last Monday.
The former England captain has yet to appear on daytime TV, jumping on Richard & Judy’s couch and screaming: “I’m in love! I’m in love!” He has also yet to feel a need for speed, or Scientology.
But Dave had leaned much from Tom. “He talked about everything I had done in the World Cup, about the goals I scored and the goals I set up,” said Dave.
“He said I was a great player, that I played for Real Madrid, I’ve got a healthy family and three boys and a wife who love me to bits.”
With his career as an actor in turmoil, perhaps Tom is carving out a niche as a therapist – “Throw down your antidepressants and call 0800 TOM. A free adult dummy for the first 100 callers!”
But Tom was not the only thing helping Dave get over his demotion from the England football team.
What would Dave be without Victoria? She is the Paul Burrell to Dave’s Princess Diana. As Dave said: “Victoria has been my rock”. And in case we were still unsure, Dave repeated himself: “Like I said, she’s been my rock.”
And on Tuesday, Dave told us that he loved his rock. The Mirror listened in as Becks was interviewed by Radio 1 DJ Chris Moyles. And there were revelations aplenty.
“I think women look great when they play football,” said Becks. “Victoria looks great in my kit.”
Moyles pressed the point. “If she turns up for breakfast in bed wearing one of your shirts it must drive you crazy.”
Beckham replied: “It doesn’t get any better than that.”
Psychologists will surely deliberate over what it is about seeing his wife dressed up like him or one of his team-mates that gets Beckham excited. Others will wonder what Posh eats for breakfast in bed. Speculation will be rife.
But not everyone can be as lucky as Dave and Vicky. Sometimes the husband strays. And on Wednesday we returned to the story everyone was excitedly calling “Chris Tarrant’s affair with a blonde woman”.
Before wronged wife Ingrid Tarrant can collect a large cheque from the Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? host – the Mail said she was in line for £10m in any divorce; the Sun suggested £17.5m – she addressed the crowd.
Ingrid told us of Chris’s “infidelity”, which she had known about for “several months”.
“I was shocked at the discovery, but I successfully disguised my shattered heart,” said Ingrid. She said she has “maintained a dignified silence”. But: “Unfortunately Chris drew unwelcome attention by behaving indiscreetly in a wine bar.”
It was all so civilised. Even the wine bar smacked of something sterile. This was essentially a middle-class affair. Dirty underwear would not be aired in public – although it’s debatable that the knickerless women of Surrey have any.
There was more news of turbulent celebrity love on Thursday. Anorak’s Ed Barrett told us that cockney hard man Guy Ritchie was getting more grief from his Yankee trouble-and-strife.
Ritchie was refusing to play Scrabble with the missus because she was “too competitive”.
“Madonna doesn’t like losing at anything,” a source told the Sun. “The atmosphere was so intense and she was such a sore loser that he told her he wouldn’t play her again. Even Tiddlywinks could start World War III.”
We knew how she felt. Ed remembered the days when the young Guy would work the pubs of the East End as a Scrabble shark, hustling punters for a game of “Margaret” (Margaret Drabble – Scrabble).
Inevitably an argument would ensue over the spelling of “geyser” or some such, and before long Guy would pull out his shooter and say that things were getting “too Tokyo Hyatt” (rhyming slang: quiet and meditative – competitive).
And then we heard a sound. Hark! What was it? Why, it was David Hasselhoff loosening up his vocal chords. The Hoff was making ready to bring to bring the house down – as he had once brought down the Berlin Wall.
As the Mail reported, The Hoff had written a musical. It’ was called…David Hasselhoff: The Musical.
Said the Hoff: “I am also doing a heart-rending set on my life and the mistakes I have made. It sounds like a bad joke, but it is really going to be a good show.”
We didn’t doubt it. If there is one thing to be relied upon in life, it is that The Hoff will make us laugh…
Posted: 23rd, September 2006 | In: Broadsheets Comment | TrackBack | Permalink
