Smiley Kylie – Minogue’s Hotpants, Russell Brand’s Big Brother Sex & Prince Harry’s Fight
WHY do we like Kylie Minogue? Is it because after years of grooming and shaping she still manages to look and sound like a pre-pubescent girl wearing her mum’s make-up and singing into her hairbrush?
Whatever the reasons, Kylie remains big news. And on Monday, there was heartbreak. Kylie’s romance to French actor Olivier Martinez was at an end.
Kylie was alone. But Martinez was with another woman. “KYLIE CAD CRUZ SCHMOOZE,” announced the Mirror’s front page.
There was a picture of Olivier Martinez. He was embracing a woman. And this, said the Mirror, “just 12 hours” after his romance to Kylie Minogue ended. For shame!
There were more “SENSATIONAL” pictures inside the paper. And once again we saw the cover shot of Martinez embracing a dark haired person. The caption read “HUG”.
It was preceded by “DELIGHT”, in which Martinez moved into for the clinch and flashed a “broad smile”. And before that there was “MEETING” in which Martinez was seen meeting this significant other.
And do not doubt her significance. Martinez was with Penelope Cruz. It is her head we see. Her hands. Her hair.
These, said the Mirror, were the pictures that would break Kylie’s heart. “Does he really have to rub Kylie’s nose in it?” asked an “insider”. “This will devastate her.”
Poor Kylie. Where will she find love? Perhaps with Jason Donovan. Or the ubiquitous Russell Brand?
The Tuesday we heard that Brand, the man with the mouth of an aroused King Charles spaniel, was trying to ban a seedy book about his celebrity life.
In what the Sun was calling “Big BRUV AFTERMATH”, books were being written. And one of these works detailed the life and times of Big Brother host Russell Brand.
This unofficial biography talked of Brand’s “sordid sessions” with women, including prostitutes, said the Star.
The claim was that the Big Brother presenter lost his virginity at aged 16 to a Hong Kong-based Filipino prostitute paid for by Brand’s dad Ron.
The book told us: “Sweating and shaking, young Russell climbed into bed with the Filipino vice girl. The 16-year-old Essex lad, destined to be one of Britain’s notorious womanisers and outrageous comics, was about to be initiated in the ways of the flesh.”
This was the stuff: “Afterwards, he ran his quivering hands over the prostitute’s perfect olive curves, she sighed with passion: ‘I must leave before I fall in love with you.”
What Filipino hooker could help but fall for an inexperienced, priapic Essex boy?
But Russell did not fall in love and marry. Brand – whose tales of sordid sex, an eating disorder and his £100-a-day heroin addiction are the mainstay of the celebrity life (chuck in some bullying for the full set) – remains single. Could he be the one for Kylie Minogue?
And Kylie is not without her charms. On Wednesday, we saw Kylie dressed in a Dolce & Gabbana purple gown and a £1million necklace. Kylie was off to the Victoria and Albert Museum.
Is this what a lonely, single girl does, head to the museum to be alone? Was Kylie alright? “I’m good, I’m fine,” said Kylie.
“Rat’s better,” said the Star’s headline as Kylie smiled. The strains of Stevie Wonders “Isn’t She Lovely” struck up. The Star heard cheers.
A microphone was pushed into Kylie’s hand. She was up on a stage. “I can see a lot for friends here in the crowd, a lot of friends,” she said. She then wished partygoers an “amazing evening”.
And how can it not be. As the Express noted, for the first time in the museum’s 155 year history, a show had been dedicated to a musician.
And what a show it was, featuring outfits from Kylie’s career. The Star spotted the overalls Kylie wore as Charlene in Neighbours.
There’s the white jumpsuit from the Can’t Get You Out Of My Head video. The leopard-print catsuit. A micro-mini. And that pair of gold hotpants, a snip at £10 from Oxfam.
You wanted revenge? Here was revenge. Get a load of that, Olivier Martinez. You couldn’t miss it, Kylie’s talented derriere on a five-metre-wide screen.
Relieved to see Kylie happy once more, we moved on. We went out on Thursday. And while out an about we saw Prince Harry. Prince Harry Baseball Cap’s preparations for the front line were progressing well.
Young Harry had bigger fights to fight than the brawl at London’s Mahiki Club.
As Dirk Tourette, he of the Towers of London tribute band, clashed with a clubber, Harry left by the back door.
Good training and a sound judgement enabled Harry to know which exits to use in a time of high tension and no little danger.
While Harry awaits his chance to drink and smoke the Taliban under the table and out of commission, Friday brought news to chill. Three parts of the Spice Girls – Baby (pregnant), Ginger (ginger) and Posh (very thin) – were dining together.
Were they plotting a reunion? Can there be any going back for the band that wanted to be?
Can they sing their old songs and do their old dances? And – more vitally – can the Spice Girls fit into their old costumes? Or would Posh’s be too big and baggy?
Posted: 9th, February 2007 | In: Broadsheets Comment | TrackBack | Permalink
