Shear Madness – Britney Spears’ Hair, Jade Goody’s Nose & Prince Harry’s Salute
BRITNEY Spears has done for bald men what Victoria Beckham has done for thin women: she has made people question their motives.
Reasons why Britney took up the clippers and shaved off her hair were many. While Anorak looked for lice and a Nazi boyfriend, a customer at Ester’s Hair Studio in Sherman Oaks, where Britney Spears became Britney Shears, said: “She basically just said she was tired of having things plugged into her.”
Being plugged sounded a uniquely unpleasant experience. But we imagined a woman who shared a bed with Kevin Federline was less squeamish than most about having unpleasant things inserted into her person.
The Star just called her a “headcase”. Mad people shave their heads. And cage wrestlers. And since Britney was never a fighter, she must be a nut.
“She’s ill and in need of help,” said the Sun’s showbiz editor, a woman with black hair on her head. Britney was “totally unhinged”. Britney was “obviously suffering from a breakdown”.
And while Britney slipped in and out of rehab, Jade Goody got her head examined.
Jade has yet to shave her bonce. Although if her career demands it, and her agent suggests it, she just might. We imagine Jade is watching the Britney story with a keen – slightly winking – eye.
But can Jade ever recover? As a source told us: “It could take weeks or months, and even then she may only get over it if she can meet Shilpa again.”
The odds are slimmer than an Indian chicken chef of the Bollywood babe stooping to save Jade’s career.
But where there are therapy and prescription drugs, there is hope.
But Jade was exploding with “rage” and hurling “vile insults” at Big Brother’s Danielle Lloyd.
Jade, described as “furious”, was seen “squaring up to Danielle” and launching a “scathing attack”. The venue was Nu Bar in Loughton, a “popular footballers’ wives drinking den”.
Jade was said to be upset that while she went to The Priory and did public penance to save her career as the UK’s premier village idiot, Dani swanned off to Dubai and back into the arms of her footballer, Teddy Sheringham.
Of course, Anorak realised that Danielle’s time in the sun would turn her skin darker and best enable her to get in touch with her inner Shilpa.
But it was too much for the BBC. And Jade was duly dumped from the broadcaster’s Comic Relief begathon.
And it was not as if Jade hadn’t been preparing for the show. She’d been wearing a red nose, and red eyes and red cheeks, ever since it dawned on her that the cameras in the Big Brother house picked up everything said.
But even Jade’s red face was not enough. And, as the Sun said, “JADE GETS NO RELIEF.”
The plan was for Jade to feature as a panelist on a spoof version of the BBC1 Quiz show A Question Of sport.
But you can’t have someone who calls Bollywood babe Shilpa Shetty “Shilpa Poppadom” and F***awalla” appearing on the national broadcaster. So the show – which cost £80,000 to produce – was shelved.
The BBC had set a precedent. It cannot be long before the BBC vets its staff and anyone who ever appears on its TV, internet and radio broadcasts for sign of racism and bullying. How long can Peter Schmeichel, the former Manchester United goalkeeper who, reportedly, once called Ian Wright, the former Arsenal forward, a “fucking black bastard” work as a BBC football pundit?
And while the BBC conducted its inquisition, we heard that Prince Harry was leaving us. Having drunk London dry, Harry had been given the all clear to patrol Iraq in a soldierly capacity.
Harry was “RARING TO GO”, as the Mirror’s headline stated. “Harry can’t wait as Army sends him out to Iraq.”
It promises to be a fight out there, stressful and dangerous. Harry knows what he is doing. He’s not mad. Although he is, most likely, shaving his head…
Posted: 24th, February 2007 | In: Tabloids Comments (2) | TrackBack | Permalink
