Santa Clause Is A Sex Mad Drug Addict
THE two girls giving the Daily Star’s Santa CLaus something to rest his head upon may have long lusted for snowy-haired men.
Ever since gansta rappers introduced us to an alternative meaning of the word “ho”, the newspapers have been looking at Santa with a questioning eye. Is his traditional “Yo ho-ho” less a jolly cry than a spout of name calling or a prelude to a bout of kerb crawling?
Much may depend on how “Yo ho ho” is said. Is it a cheery “Yo-ho-ho”, a lively “Yo…ho-ho” or an attention demanding “Yo! Ho! Ho!”?
While that heated debate rages, we learn that Santa might be after more than a kiss from mummy and a mince pie. As the Star reports: “SEX-MAD SANTA ALWAYS BLOTTO.”
Readers may expert to hear a salacious and seasonal tale of a shopping mall Santa Claus getting drunk and powering his sleigh-like wheelchair into the Marks and Spencer lingerie section.
The actual news is no less of a shocker as Swedish university professor Jeffrey Valance tells us that the real Santa would feed his reindeer magic mushrooms and then drink their urine to hallucinate. He would then powder their horns into a “home-made Viagra”.
Says Professor Valance: “He was depicted as horned with a prominent penis and wielding a club, and was the personification of lust and debauchery.”
In light of this discovery, Old Mr Anorak has reordered his Christmas Suit and in a nod to authenticity and “doing it right” will be enacting the life and times of Santa Clause in the Anorak Dungeon for the full twelve days.
Yo. Ho. Ho…
Posted: 6th, December 2007 | In: Tabloids Comments (8) | TrackBack | Permalink
