Nationwide Terror Probe Nets Hundreds Of PM Irritants
COUNTER-TERRORISM POLICE today rounded up hundreds of Britons suspected of membership in organizations described as “irritating” to Prime Minister Gordon Brown. The exact number was not released, but police officials said that many more are expected, “depending on the Prime Minister’s mood this morning.”
“Our sole purpose is to keep citizens safe from the threat of international terrorism,” said Thomas Ayckroyd, a spokesman for the Home Office. “While these detainees may all be British citizens, they were clearly engaged in treasonous acts designed to destabilize Her Majesty’s government by embarrassing, irritating, or otherwise inconveniencing the Prime Minister.”
The latest arrests appeared to be a result of the 28 November arrest of MP Damian Green, the Tory shadow immigration minister who was detained without charge by counter-terror police after he embarrassed the PM by revealing in Parliament that thousands of illegal immigrants had been cleared by the government to work as security guards. According to Home Office officials, Green finally cracked and revealed names of fellow plotters after 15 hours of intense interrogation that included waterboarding, genital electrodes, and forced viewing of one of Brown’s environmental speeches.
Among those arrested in yesterday’s nationwide manhunt were Sybil Johnson, 83, of 12 Downing Street, Westminster, and her pet terrier Puddles, 7. Counter-terrorism experts describe the duo, who until their arrest lived next door to Brown, as “constantly yapping thorns in the Prime Minister’s side, depriving him of sleep and blocking his driveway with their rubbish bins.” Puddles is also suspected as the mastermind behind the successful 23 November plot to soil Brown’s shoes with strategically-placed curbside dog droppings. Johnson remains in custody, and police say Puddles has been remanded to the custody of the US for imprisonment at its controversial ‘Yipmo’ canine terrorist detention kennel.
Also arrested in the sweep was Julian St. Julian, the exclusive Notting Hill hairdresser whom security officials say is responsible for Brown’s painfully embarrassing haircut. Those privy to his interrogation say the 31-year old stylist at first denied culpability for the widely derided coiffure, repeatedly maintaining that it was “avant-garde” and “accentuated his cheekbones.” After hours of cross-examination by Home Office psychological experts, however, St. Julian eventually confessed.
“Yes! I admit it! It’s ghastly and ridiculous! And it did it on purpose!” shouted St. Julian on a videotape released by the government.
“I did it, and I’m glad I did it! Ha ha haha!!” he added, laughing maniacally. “I charged him £160, and he left a £40 tip!”
Home Office officials say that St. Julian also implicated the Prime Minister’s tailor, who has reportedly fled the country and and applied for asylum in Khazakhstan. Attorneys for St. Julian say they will appeal his scheduled deportation, saying that the confession was coerced by depriving him of gels and conditioners.
For his part, the PM denied any prior knowledge or involvement of the latest round of arrests.
“It’s an absurd question,” he said in remarks outside his residence. “We all need let the police do their job to keep Britain safe from the threat of terrorism and embarrassment. And if you ask me that again, you’re going straight on my list.”
Ayckroyd said the recent arrests were “the tip of the iceberg” of a growing conspiracy of home-grown sleeper cells throughout Britain, containing elements openly contemptuous of Brown. He appealed to citizens to report to terror police any “suspicious mockery or political delinquency.”
Who is ultimately behind the plot is so far unknown, but Ayckroyd said the Terror Police have a solid lead.
“We have received tips from several reliable sources about the identity of the terror mastermind responsible for exposing the Prime Minister to these vicious and savage acts of embarrassment,” said the spokesman. “We don’t know his name, but can confirm that his initials are G.B.”
Posted: 4th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians Comments (14) | TrackBack | Permalink
