10 Things You Didn’t Know About Farting, With Paris Hilton And Barack Obama
FARTING is sure to catch on. And to be prepared, here are Anorak’s Top Facts About Farting:
1. Barack Obama was schooled in Indonesia, where farting is considered an art form on a par with finger painting.
2. In times of recession, sales of baked beans and vegetables and raisins soar. Scientists at the North American Institute Of Global Warming calculate that the Arctic began to break up in the 1970s, when, ironically, power cuts and the three day week were at their height.
3. The Whoppee cushion if now advocated as an alternative power supply. In 1988, Richard Branson’s attempt to circumnavigate the globe by hot air balloon was met by near disaster when it crashed in the Pacific Ocean. Branson and Steve Fossett were kept afloat by the fluke of Per Lindstrand having eaten a packet of Christmas dates.
4. Ms Sue Storer, then a deputy headmistress at Bedminster Down secondary school, Bristol, was “forced to quit” her £48,000 a year job because of her chair. As the art teacher explained: “It was very embarrassing to sit on. I asked for a chair that didn’t give me a dead leg or make those embarrassing farting sounds.” From that day on, all art teachers have shunned leatherette chairs in favour of bean bags.
Note: any picture can be improived by the caption “Who farted?”
5. The composition of fart gas is highly variable, consisting of carbon dioxide, sulfur, hydrogen and methane. The Spanish produce the most methane, the Germans the most Co2. Libyans the most sulfur and Bolivians the most hydrogen.
6. A nervous person who swallows a lot of air has a lot of oxygen in his farts. For such reasons Gordon Brown, aka gulping Gordon the guppy” has petitioned Westminster to be allowed to address the Commons with his back to the Opposition, a departure from protocol attempted by pea enthusiast John Major in 1998. Not for no reason do Labour front benchers call Gordon a “breath of fresh air”.
7. According to Dr. James L. A. Roth, the author of Gastrointestinal Gas (Ch. 17 in Gastroenterology, v. 4, 1976) most people pass farts that contain no methane. If both parents are methane producers, their children have a 95% chance of being producers as well.
8. Paris Hilton is not one to be deterred by musical failure, and fans are on the look-out for multi-talented Hilton’s latest DVD in which she, accompanied by a significant other farts the opening bars to Hail to The Chief. Paris is workign under the pseudonym “The Human Trumpet”.
9. The best way to cover up a fart is to cultivate friendships with fat people and, in order, Spaniards, Germans, Libyans and Bolivians. Or else get a pet, preferably a dog or llama.
10. Jonathan Miller likened Cherie Blair’s voice to “a perfumed fart”. It was a rare compliment, and one seized upon by other celebrities who now include farts in their signature scents, notably Guff, by P. Diddy, Fwwwp, by The Bekhams, and Voice, by Cherie Blair.
Farting Is Banned In American School
More Farting Please, We’re French
Man Arrested For Farting
Collecting Cow Farts
No Farting: Global Warming Cured
Jennifer Lopez’s Odorama Reality TV Show
When Chair Sniffers Confess: Troy Buswell Inhales
Farting Woman Downs American Airlines Jet
Social Club Bans Old Farter Maurice Fox
Posted: 6th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True Comments (3) | TrackBack | Permalink
