2009: Anorak’s Diary
2009 – That Was The Year That Was: Anorak’s diary for the upcoming 12 months…
JANUARY
Barack Obama makes history as the first African-American sworn in as President of the United States; Invoking legacy of Franklin Roosevelt, promises America “nine years of economic depression, four years of world war, eventual nuking of Japan”
Obama supporters left disappointed as oceans remain at static levels, planet fails to heal self, Dow drops below zero
FEBRUARY
Winless Detroit Lions score an upset victory in NFL Super Bowl thanks to secret clause in U.S. auto industry bailout plan; jubilant Detroit fans go on celebratory 5-day citywide arson rampage, resulting in almost $12 in property damage
Big surprise at the Oscars as Heath Ledger returns from grave to accept Oscar for “Joker” role in Dark Knight, orders clown-masked henchmen to open fire on Hollywood A-listers; “The ultimate method actor,” gushes mortally wounded Sean Penn
MARCH
Controversy erupts over new David Beckham ad for Calvin Klein underwear after embarrassed football star admits “accidentally” stuffing briefs with a potato; “I didn’t know it was supposed to go in the front,” says Becks
Stocks cautiously rebound on strong earning reports from Sterno, GunMart, American Hobo Supply
APRIL
World Earth Day celebrations in Canada and Scandinavia cancelled by unseasonably cool weather, advancing glaciers; “Damn you, global warming,” says beloved scientist Al Gore
British PM Gordon Brown appoints new Muslim Anti-Terrorist Advisory Panel; names Russell Brand, Pete Doherty, Amy Winehouse to new National Sobriety Task Force
MAY
First carbon-neutral Indianapolis 500 nearly canceled by unseasonably cool temperatures; winner Todd Palin coasts to victory despite husky blowout on final turn
Mideast unrest erupts; Experts cite “completely fucked up religious shitheads who really, really need to get laid”
JUNE
US currency printing presses unable to keep pace with bailout demands, Chinese green ink embargo; Obama encourages Americans to print off dollars on home computers; “We are the bailout we’ve been waiting for,” says Prez
Muslim Council of Britain rejects PM Brown’s offer for new UK Islamic banking, divorce, alcohol laws; “you didn’t say pretty-please,” says miffed Imam
JULY
Independence Day celebrations in US muted by economy, new assault fireworks ban, advancing glaciers; Al Gore announces ban on speaking aloud words “global warming”; “We must not proke the Unspoken One further,” say US climate czar
New Anglican row as Archbishop of Canterbury offers to personally fellate “every able bodied Muslim man in Britain”; “Not just for the personal pleasure, but for the future of our culture,” says Williams
AUGUST
In televised address Obama blames sluggish US economy on “too many Wall Street fat cats”; in kitchen sequence with new Cooking Czar Jamie Oliver, shows how surplus fat cats can be skinned, filleted, and fried in light olive oil
New swimsuit modesty trend seen on Mediterranean beaches; fashion experts cite influence of new French Muslim overlords, advancing glaciers
SEPTEMBER
Hollywood reports another disappointing box office summer despite dozens of new critically acclaimed anti-Bush movies; big winner is escapist teen fantasy “High School Musical III: Senior Class Survival”
Glacier attacks, subsumes Al Gore at International Conference to Stop He Who Must Not Be Named; “I’ll be back,” vows Nobelist slowly sinking into ice
OCTOBER
U.S. Government officially bankrupt after gambling $15 trillion on Chicago Cubs to win baseball World Series; “after 100 years it seemed like they were finally due,” shrugs Obama
Chinese foreclose, U.S. Government moves to strip mall in Glendale, Arizona; evicted after numerous complaints of noise, smell, blocking the entrance to Safeway
NOVEMBER
Apple CEO Steve Jobs introduces stunning new edible iPhone at MacWorld to boffo reviews; “perfectly timed for the mass starvation consumer market,” raves ScavengingForEdibles.com
In response to national firewood and ignitable peat crisis, Obama offers American families 20 pounds of free paper recycled from government global warming studies; “please remember to wear your sweater if you haven’t already eaten it,” urges president
DECEMBER
UK Prime Imam Khalid Ahmed Abdulrahman unveils new environmental recycling program; “Britain is going green — Soylent Green,” says proud PI
Consumers buoyed by news of reappearance of wooly mammoth in Alaska; Sarah Palin wins landslide special election as “She-Ra, Bringer of Meat”
Ends – literally…
Compiled by Iowahawk
Posted: 8th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews Comments (21) | TrackBack | Permalink
