The Man Who Fell For The Nigerian Scam
OLD MR Anorak assures us that the Nigerian office is in fine fettle and that $150,000 has been earmarked for improvements to the typing pool personnel (you know who you are). Just as soon as the money is freed from the account of his dear Friend General A.N. Orak.
Meanwhile, it’s back to work for us and him, John Rempel, the man who fell for the Nigerian con. It cost him $120,000.
(I NEED TO ASK YOU TO SUPPORT AN URGENT SECRET BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP WITH A TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF GREAT MAGNITUDE.)
His troubles began in July 2007. He said he got an e-mail from someone claiming to be a lawyer with a client named David Rempel who died in a 2005 bomb attack in London, England, and left behind $12.8 million.
In little bits of paper that had been stuck together by elves.
(I AM MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY OF THE UK. MY COUNTRY HAS HAD CRISIS THAT HAS CAUSED THE NEED FOR LARGE TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF 800 BILLION DOLLARS US. IF YOU WOULD ASSIST ME IN THIS TRANSFER, IT WOULD BE MOST PROFITABLE TO YOU.)
“They used to come in the mail,” said Leamington police Const. Kevin O’Neil. “Now the majority of these are sent through e-mail. Keeping up with the times, using all the wonderful technology that’s available to them.”
“I was told once that they send out 30,000 e-mails a day, around the world, and they hope for just one or two responses. Once you return a phone call or return an e-mail, these people now have their hooks into you.”
Indeed. Anorak has lost count of the time it has penned “F*** OFF I know all about you and how Cliff Richard shagged you in Cilla Black’s hedgerow, and Una Stubbs watched” and then wound up losing money. Go on…
The lawyer said his client had no family but wanted to leave the money to a Rempel. It was his lucky day.
(PLEASE REPLY WITH ALL OF YOUR BANK ACCOUNT, TAX AND CHRISTMAS CLUB ACCOUNT NUMBERS AND THOSE OF YOUR CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN.)
“It sounded all good so I called him,” said Rempel. “He sounded very happy and said God bless you.” The man then told him he had to pay $2,500 to transfer the money into his name. Then there were several more documents. Some cost $5,000.
In London:
They met Rempel the next day with a suitcase. They said it had $10.6 million in shrink-wrapped U.S. bills. Rempel wanted more proof. His new friends pulled out one bill and “cleansed” it with a liquid “formula,” which washed off some kind of stamp. Rempel was told that process made the money “legal tender.”
(MY GOOD FRIEND DARLING ALISTAIR DARLING WANTS YOUR MONEY TO RELEASE BAZILLIONS OF POUNDS LOCKED IN HEDGE FUND ACCOUNTS.)
“I was like holy crap, is that mine?” he said. “They said ‘yes sir, it’s yours.’ It all sounded legit.”
Rempel returned to his hotel room clutching the formula and waited for the others so they could cleanse all his money. They never showed, and later told him they got held up. In the meantime, Rempel dropped the formula. The bottle broke. He called his contact who said he’d get more. Rempel returned to Leamington and waited.
A few weeks later Rempel got a call. They found more formula. It would cost $120,000. “I thought, ‘let’s work on it, nothing is impossible,’” said Rempel.
(AMEN.)
Posted: 14th, January 2009 | In: Money Comment (1) | TrackBack | Permalink
