Queen Mother Swore At Jimmy Carter And Fancied Princess Diana

NOT only is Princess Diana back, but so too is the Queen Mother, who one might suppose features on the Express’ cover to make Diana look even more radiant.

The Daily Express recognises that its readers are too old to learn anything news so continues to publish images and news from the past to reassure them that things are as they ever were and ever will be.

Tomorrow, there’s a look at Princess Diana’s wedding arrangements with go-ahead designer Mary Quant and the Queen Mum is due to visit London’s East End to tell Doodlebug victims that they shan’t be coming back to her palace because they have dirty feet and even in a time of much upheaval standards are all. There will be much cheering.

Reading on we learn that a new biography of the Queen Mum has been penned and it includes in its 1,096 pages, possibly:

* The Queen mum suffered from Tourette’s Syndrome and once addressed US President Jimmy Carter as Jimmy Cocksucker at the Garden Party.

* She had a cancerous tumour removed from her breast that grew up to be a fine upstanding young Prince who failed with the Marines but managed to squire two kidz and pull a woman who once flashed her tits at Chris Tarrant.

* In his book William Shawcross says that the Queen Mum did not have a colostomy bag fitted in 1967 after having endured treatment for colon cancer. The quivering shitbag seen by her side at many social functions was actually King George VI.

* Her Majesty The Queen once had to pay off the Queen Mother’s gambling debts, settling a bill from Peter Cazelet. Threats to have the Queen Mum’s teeth “burnt or else” are proven to be unfounded.

* The Queen Mum’s favourite TV show was Dads’ Army, which she said assured her that the boys fighting on the front line were “well-equipped, orderly and of an age where they were unlikely to flee their station unless they needed the toilet desperately”.

* She once went hang gliding with Professor Stephen Hawking.

In Anorak’s latest tome – Diana: The Dress Rail Years – Princess Diana continues to live on the Fabled Sixth Floor of the Harvey Nichols Department store in central London, from where she can see the guards changing in Chelsea barracks, literally…