Scary 98lb Angelina Jolie Haunted By Jennifer Aniston
DO you know that Angelina Jolie weighs 98lbs? Well, she does. The National Enquirer can tell a person’s weight just by looking at them. One day the magazine will finally launch Weight Bitch, in which a reader can angle the magazine towards a work colleague or family members and learn that person’s true weight.
The NE gives hope to its readers, following the boastful headline figure with news on how to be as thin as Jolie. All you need is one Jennifer Aniston and to shag Brad Pitt.
IN “SCARY SKINNY ANGIE HAUNTED BY JEN – 98lb. star blames shocking weight loss on hated rival”, readers learn all about the Jolie Diet.
Jolie, we learn, has an “unhealthy obsession” with Jennifer Aniston. While Jen is dating Gerard Butler – the 10th Rule of Tabloid Journalism dictates that Aniston must be dating the lead male in her rom-com filmz – Jolie is “rail thin”.
But might the Enquirer source be wrong? The picture of Jolie looking “scary” was taken on her tour of refugees in Somalia. Would it do well for her to arrive fatter than a Texan with bits of crisps caught in her jowls? No, it would not. To empathise with the dispossessed and hungry Jolie must blend in.
Angie is the first exponent of Method Giving, wherein the charitable Hollywood star gets into character the hard way.
But the NE knows better and says Aniston is haunting Jolie:
“When Angie logs onto her computer, Jen’s on every Web Site.”
Right again. Here’s the UN website, reviewing Jen’s latest choice of panty liner; Huge Erections features naked Jen on a Solihull building site; Jen is the lead story in the Financial Times, a picture of her in a car used to illustrate a special report on Russian oil reserves.
“Angie can’t open a magazine without seeing Jen’s face smiling back at her.”
That’s certainly the case in the Enquirer, which routinely features pictures of a beaming Aniston alongside shots of a miserable looking Jolie.
On a brighter note, a source compares Jen to a “walking skeleton”, a description that assures her ultimate respect back home in LA…
Posted: 22nd, September 2009 | In: Key Posts, National Enquirer Comments (3) | TrackBack | Permalink
