The X Factor 12: The Infectious Olly Murs, Bronze Age Danyl Johnson And Acid Kandy Rain
WE’RE down to the last dozen in the X Factor. Anorak gives you pen portraits of the runners and riders:
OVER 25s
Olly Murs – Say his name quickly and it sounds like a child hood infection. “Oh, yes,” says the mum at the school gates. “He’s got Olly Murs, all over his back and groin.” One day everyone will want Olly Murs. But with Robbie Williams still around that day is not any time soon.
Danyl Johnson – That Danyl spells his name with a ‘y’ is the first and second most interesting thing about him. The third most remarkable thing is that when he sings he actually makes himself wince. He also looks like a Bronze Age version of Will Young trying to light a fire with his stare.
Jamie Archer – Jamie has huge hair. Vote now and often to keep Jamie on the stage so that no-one ever has to sit behind him at a concert, film or on a bus.
BOYS
Joe McElderry – The north east’s answer Marti Pellow – if the question was, “What’s wetter than Marti Pellow?”
Lloyd Daniels – Blessed with an expression that says he left his geography homework on the bus and doesn’t care who knows it. Lloyd Daniels sounds a bit like Danielle Lloyd, the nation’s sweetheart. Look out for Lloyd taking his top off and setting off on a jinking run through the Spurs ladies football team.
Rikki Loney – He’s the cat in the hat. Rikki wears a hat because a) he’s going bald; b) it was his dying mum’s last wish; c) anything that distract you from his voice is worth a try; d) it’s what Michael Jackson would have wanted.
GIRLS
Stacey Solomon – The winner.
Rachel Adedegi – Devoid of the girly prettiness that the likes of her mentor Dannii Minogue pays big bucks for, Rachel needs to actually rely on her singing to win the X Factor. As such, she is shafted – but looks more than capable of wiping the smirk from any winner’s face – literally (right, Dermot?).
Lucie Jones – Lucie is Welsh. The Welsh, as we are often told are to singing what the Canadians are to seal clubbing. Lucie’s Welshness should secure her lots of votes from her army of Welsh fans who will drape themselves in dragon-themed flags to say how proud they are of Lucie, how all of Wales is praying for her and how Wales – did we mention wales? – is all about the singing, as anyone who has heard Cardiff fans giving full throat to “He’s sad, he’s fat, He is a f*cking twat, Leighton James, Leighton James…” will tunefully attest.
GROUPS
Kandy Rain – They used to be strippers. One of them used to do porn. If you thought stripping porn stars couldn’t sing you have not heard Kandy Rain. One listen and you’ll know…
Miss Frank – The name suggests a drag act. The music suggests being dragged out to a drunken night in a local karaoke bar.
John & Edward – When they Come to make Midwich Cuckoos The Musical, John and Edward will be shoo-ins for at least two of the lead roles. Hateful. Terrible. Depressing. Pretty much why the show is a hit.
The X Factor – making tomorrow’s has-beens…
Posted: 5th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts Comment | TrackBack | Permalink
