Boris Mayor Chooses Oiks Over Scum In Nick Of Time

SUSPICIONS are that London mayor Boris Johnson would have rescued a woman under attack from an armed group of young girls has he been able to think of what to shout at them sooner.

Boris’s initial reaction was to yell “FU**ING ADA”, followed by “C****S!” But to do so would be unbecoming to his stranding as a likeable toff.

As Boris thinks, Franny Armstrong is surrounded in Camden, north London. A girl pushes her. Another girl has an iron bar. Others have hoods.

And all the while Boris is thinking.

“SCUM!” Too 1970s.

“WANKERS!” Too sexist.

“PAEDOS!” An overreaction?

“RAPSCALLIONS!” Too long-winded, and possessed of anti-rap music undertones.

“SCALLYWAGS!” Liverpool hates him enough, so it might be worth a try.

Boris gathers himself:

“OIKS!”

Ms Armstrong hears the clarion call:

“He was my knight on a shining bicycle. I was texting on my phone so didn’t notice the girls until they pushed me against the car, quite hard. I noticed that one had an iron bar in her hand – it was very frightening.”

The car saved her from falling to the ground as she talked on her electronic device:

Armstrong is the founder of the 10:10 campaign, which aims to cut 10% of carbon emissions in 2010 and has attracted support from leading firms – including the Guardian – and personalities.

Oh:

Armstrong, who helmed recent climate change documentary The Age Of Stupid.

Surprise she wasn’t on a plane like her film’s fans. But Never fear, fair maiden. Here’s Boris.

“He said to the girls: ‘What do you think you are doing?’ He picked up the iron bar, called after the girls and cycled after them.”

These toughs stand no chance when confronted with chubby man on a push bike who understands the power of language. Hoodies are done for. Chavs are out. Oiks are very much in vogue.

Tell the Rozzers. It’s Oiks Versus Oinks. Game on…