Slimmer Of The Year: Five Steps To A Less Fat And Disgusting You
WHAT better way to get you in shape for those scanners than seeing pictures of some people who used to be fatter. It’s the Rosemary Conley Diet and Fitness Magazine Slimmer of the Year Awards 2010, held at the Marriott County Hall hotel in central London. Time to shed those Christmas pounds and looks acceptable in decent society. With Anorak’s Diet Plan you too can lose weight. Here are Top Tips To A Less Disgusting You:
1. Nothing turns you off food faster than having a loved one die. If mum won’t die for you then remind her that it is her hips you are carrying about. The heartless bitch.
2. Become an organ donor. Do you need two eyes? Two kidneys? Two ears? Come on, more than one is just greedy. The average testicle doesn’t weight much, but it’s a start. Give to lose.
3. While waiting to lose weight turn your fat self into a roly-poly figure of fun. Take to wearing a hat shaped like an iced bun and trousers with “Property of PT Barnum” written on the arse. Laughing loses lots of calories. So does crying.
4. Move about the world in an endless winter, avoiding the summer and existing in a never-ending winter of thick jumpers and overcoats. Join an Arctic exploration team. Watch out for harpoons.
5. Read. Read. Read. Buy anything with picture of Victoria Beckham on the cover and stare obsessively at it. Convince yourself that if you look like her you can shag David Beckham. Stop eating. Stop going out. Die in a puddle of your self-induced vomit. Slim. Dead. But happy.
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Posted: 5th, January 2010 | In: Reviews Comment | TrackBack | Permalink
