Angelina Jolie Is ‘Pregnant’, Orphans’ Hearts Break

ANGELINA Jolie is pregnant. Well, so says Star magazine. Right now orphans are crying.

This is the same Angelina Jolie who earlier in the week ordered Brad Pitt to have a facelift. Maybe they’re breeding for Brad’s new face, a kind of stem-cell research project whereby Angelina will give birth to a line-free forehead hanging from a mop of hair?

The evidence for this baby is that Star says Jolie is three-months gone. If you want more evidence, the magazine says Jolie “can’t stand for long periods of time” is eating “more red meat and fish” and drank red grape juice in place of red wine in acting scene.

But rest assured that all sex in The Tourist is authentic, the bombs are real and Johnny Depp is an international diamond thief and not a full-time pirate as many believe.

In other news, People magazine reports that you can stop knitting Brad’s beard booties and knows that Angelina Jolie is not pregnant. Although if the part demands it, she might stuff a pillow up the jumper…