Phil Collins Commits To Suicide On A Bike In Switzerland

PHIL Collins says “no one will miss me“. Collins is not committing suicide – although he does live in Switzerland, where the Government is not insensitive to the effects of fierce civic pride on the psyche.

He’s retiring from music. Yep, you thought he bowed out years ago. But Collins tells FHM that he’s now officially out of music and “I don’t think anyone’s going to miss me. I’m much happier just to write myself out of the script entirely…”

Good of to tell us that he irrelevant and unlamented. God speed, Phil:

“I’m a very different person now. I saw some of this show of mine from 1985 and I was on-stage and I never stopped running, never stopped talking. The fact that people got so sick of me wasn’t really my fault. Yes there was a lot of me to dish out – there was me, me and Earth, Wind & Fire’s Phil Bailey, me and Genesis, me and that movie I was in, Buster – there was a lot of stuff. But I only made those records once.”

On he goes:

“Around the time that the music was being played so incessantly people wanted to strangle me. It’s hardly surprising that people grew to hate me. I’m sorry that it was all so successful. I honestly didn’t mean it to happen like that!”

You were successful, Mr…

Collins.

Mr Collins?

Su-su-su-surely-io.

“I look at the MTV Music Awards and I think, ‘I can’t be in the same business as this. I don’t really belong to that world and I don’t think anyone’s going to miss me. I’m much happier just to write myself out of the script entirely. I’ll go on a mysterious biking holiday … And never return. That would be a great way to end the story, wouldn’t it?”

The story already ended would have a second ending? The biking bit will have to be an addendum. Having been reminded about Phil Collins, you will then learn that he is missing.

“Tony Hancock’s suicide note read, ‘Too many things went wrong too often…’ That’s something I find hard to forget.”

Well, those were his last words. Will these be Phil’s last words?

No. Not yet:

“…I’m not worried about not being able to play the drums again, I’m more worried about being able to cut a loaf of bread safely or building things for my kids. My doctors tell me it’s a work in progress, that it’ll take about a year for me to recover. They’re not strong enough to play the drums. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do that again.”

He’ll never play the drums again. No drum roll finale. Just nothing and the slow wait for the drummer to slip off his stool and smack into the high hat.

“It feels like a good time to stop for a while.”

So. You’ll be back?

“David Letterman wanted me to go on his show on a Monday night recently but I said, ‘No. Can’t do it. I have the kids on a Monday.’ And my label said, ‘But this is Letterman!’ And I was like, ‘Guess what? I. Don’t. Give. A. F—!'”

Engrave it on headstone and send the press a photo…