Cheryl Cole’s US X Factor Audition Tape: Nation’s Sweetheart Bombs In America

CHERLY Cole has been “AXED AGAIN”. No sooner has the UK version of the X Factor announced its judging panel (Gary Barlow, Zig ‘n’ Zag, Tulisa Contostavlos, Louis Walsh and Kelly Rowland) than the nation’s sweetheart is told she’s not wanted on the show’s US version. Maybe one of the UK’s judges will suddenly leave and Chezza will step in to save the day?

We are in the age of the Cheryl Cole conspiracy theory. While some are wondering how she managed to get on in the first place, others are wondering how she managed to get off. Anorak hears that Cowell was threatened by Grassy Knoll, a fabled FBI agent working in cahoots with the Bilderberg Group’s Illuminati divsion basded in Max Clifford’s suite at the Vatican.

The lastest news is that Cole has been waiting for Cowell to call her. He never did. And, thus, she has been “axed” twice. This might be the same Cole whom the Mail told us was giong to “snub” Cowll and his poxy telly shows.

The NoTW then says US audiences mistook her for Barbra Stresisand, Daphne from Scooby Doo and Chewbacca from Star Wars. If so, she should have gone with it and hit three key auidience demographics. If she can do Charlie Sheen, Cole might have bene the ultimate package. We also learn that the Yanks could not understand her.

The Mirror tosses in news that Paula Abdul advised Cheryl to sort out her “negative energy” with crystals. Maybe a few pushed into her mouth.

But how did it really go? In this video you can see Cole talking to the US audience:

“Thank you so much. I just want to say thank you for a lovely welcome. You’ve all been so kind. It might take you a second to understand my accent, but we’ll get there. And I just hope that you enjoy the process, you get to see what it’s like and just remember that it’s really hard for the contestants coming on here too. So, be kind.”

Boooo! Hissss! Gerroff!!! If we want kind we’ll exhume Princess Diana. We want cyncial audience manipulation and acts reduced to blobs of snot and tears.

Did no-one think to tell Cheryl?

Anyhow, it’s not all bad. Geordie Shore is heading to UK screens. And it needs a birra klass…