Reunited With Ashley, Cheryl Cole’s Vagina Rides The Door Knob Of Love: Pregnancy, Photos And A Career BOAST

CHERLY Cole has moved back in with Chelsea footballer Ashley Cole – back into their big house in Surrey. It’s the six-bedroom Georgian property near Godalming the Coles paid £3.55 million for. The place is called… Hurtmore. It was called Hurtmore before “nation’s sweetheart” Cheryl and her flying fists moved in.

And who can hurt more that Our Chezza? Ever since Cheryl punched a black toilet attendant in the face, her core brand values have been hurting and caring. As she watched adolescents sob on the X Factor and squashed their dreams by saying these amateur singers were not good enough to be the next Cheryl Cole, her brand of caring has been force fed to the masses in much the same way geese buy into the foie gras industry.

Cheryl Cole did not fight for her love to Ashley because it was not a love worth fighting for. So, some shock to read in the NoTW:

DEFIANT Cheryl Cole has confessed she’s still in love with serial love rat Ashley and told him: “I should never have divorced you.”

Thanks to those paper thin walls at the Coles’ home that cause all their words to be heard as afar away as Wapping, we know that vomitous Ashley and Cheryl are back on. And swiftly the talk turns to babies. When your career is on the downturn and your footballer husband is approaching the age when he either shags his sister-in-law or starts thinking about a media job, the PRs call BOAST (Anorak’s Celebrity Baby Ordering And Star Treatment Service).

It was way back in May 2009, that Cheryl first called BOAST, via OK! magazine:

“ANNOUNCING HER EXCITING NEWS – ‘OUR CHILD WON’T BE A SPOILT LIAR’”

“I think I’m ready for parenthood now…

“There’s no way they’ll get everything they want. I’m glad me and Ashley come from that background because there’s nothing worse than spoilt children.”

Not even a spoilt adult?

“I hate liars.”

Now we learn:

“She doesn’t want to wait till she’s over 30 to start a family. And she thinks Ashley’s the most natural person to be dad to her babies. She has had some real down moments the last few weeks. She doesn’t want to see anyone, she doesn’t want to have any meetings.”

If she wants to remain alone, how can Cheryl get impregnated in Hurtmore? Ashley’s been living with no lover for some time, so let’s not rule out a quick baby making swing on the door handles or a roll about in the linen basket. Ashley might need to start harvesting his swimmers for a time when Cheryl is ready for a new range of children’s clothes and Celebrity Mum awards by tossing himself off into a cup – or maybe he could get someone to do it for him (see women linked to Ashley below), and storing the produce.

Crank the freezer up to lucky seven, Cheryl, Ashley’s coming in…