Simon Cowell walks on water and turns his turds into Milk Tray chocolates

WOMEN have loomed large in Simon Cowell’s legend this week, provoking cries of “Oh shut up!” and “I think the lady doth protest too much!” There’s talk of him bedding six women at once and a complete non-story about him fancying Dannii Minogue. However, there’s other elements to the high-waisted svengali that are much more fun to poke at.

According to a new biography about Cowell (so it must be massively true because books don’t lie), the X Factor mogul is completely and utterly mental.

Apparently, our Simon insists on having back toilet roll in his Beverly Hills mansion as well as having a feature that makes it look like he can walk on water like he’s Jesus or something.

It has been reported that Cowell refuses to have regular white toilet rolls in his gaff and the only reason for that can be that he doesn’t like the idea of brilliant white showing him how bad his faeces looks. Black toilet roll, presumably, makes it look like chocolate on the second row of a Milk Tray box.

Can we assume he’s considered eating it then? Make your own mind up. He’s friends with Louis Walsh, so anything is possible.

The book which makes these excellent claims is called Sweet Revenge: The Intimate Life of Simon Cowell, and is being serialised in The Sun (which also never lies). Apparently, Cowell likes to encourage craziness in himself and others. Talking about the insane women he knocks about with, he’s reportedly said: “I’m attracted to crazy women. I encourage crazy behavior and I make them crazy. ‘I’m attracted to certain personalities who are difficult to control. So there are tantrums, tears and fights, which is all part of the drama. My life is really odd.”

”Every girl wants to be number one and they’re very territorial. I like the fight, because otherwise I’d have a dull group of girlfriends.”

Yes, but have you thought about eating your own dung Simon? Don’t you dodge the question!