Bleedin’ ‘ell. What have they got in the water there that keeps ’em all going so long? And what’s the matter with Liverpool and the rest of the North West?

A baby born in the North West of England will live on average two years less than a child born in the South East, new Government figures have revealed.

The figures give a snapshot of life in Britain today and reveal the divisions between life-expectancy rates for people living in different areas of Britain.

Actually, it’s bugger all to do with either place. For no one is measuring life expectancy at birth. What is being measured is the age at which people pop their clogs in the different places. Which, given that people move around during their lives, isn’t the same thing at all.

People seem to live a long time in Eastbourne because lots of people go to Eastbourne when they retire. And you life expectancy keeps on going up the older you are. When you’re 40 your life expectancy might be 75 say (made up number). But when you’re 76 your expectancy is not minus 1 year. It’s 82 or so and so on. So, a town which lots of people move to when they’re 65 or older will have a higher life expectancy than somewhere that people leave when they retire to go to Eastbourne.

It is true that life expectancy varies across the country. But a goodly part of it is because people move during their lives and a goodly portion of those move to be with others of the same age. And do note, no one at all is measuring where these people were born: they’re only measuring where they live when they die.

Photo: A group of tourists stop to view the Beachy Head Lighthouse in Eastbourne, Sussex.