Two-Faced Mary

‘WHEN Mr Justice Caulfield uttered the line ‘Is she not fragrant?’ when confronted with Mary Archer in 1987, many saw his question as rhetorical.

‘I managed to get rid of one wrinkled old face…’

But now we know that Archer is a woman of rare odour, and the smell wafting off her elegant frame is a demure blend of formaldehyde, shepherd’s pie and Hospital Ward ’97.

After years of wondering, the truth is out – Mary Archer underwent surgery to her face in 1997 and 1998.

The fact not released in the Express’ report on ‘snooty’ Lady Archer’s facelift is that the operation might have been carried out by her husband, Lord Jeffery Archer, whose work in World War II pretty much created modern surgical procedures.

Most likely, modest Jeffrey wanted the entire episode kept under wraps (much like his wife and her face), but someone squealed.

And yesterday the High Court heard Lady Archer accuse her former PA, Jane Williams, of leaking the information – a claim Williams denies.

‘Jane wishes me harm. I do not deserve to have this served up on a platter with a sauce of malice by a disaffected former employee,’ said Lady Archer, as reported by the Mail.

And when asked by Williams’ counsel if the story of her face stretch was true, she was no less strident.

‘I find it so distasteful,’ she said, her mouth stretched into a grimace. ‘Accurate or not I object to the disclosure of private information.’

So to save her, er, face, let’s not mention her husband’s work with wayward women, his selfless incarceration to investigate the appalling conditions of British prisons and his private study into whether or not perjury is an unequivocal path to eternal damnation.

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Posted: 1st, July 2003 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink