A New Formula

‘ATTEMPTS to make Formula One more exciting, or less boring at any rate, have reached new heights.

God-botherer: 100 points

Sunday’s Grand Prix replaced a pace car with a 56-year-old man clad in a kilt and carrying a sign on which was written: ‘Read The Bible: The Bible Is Always Right.’

Few casual observers of the most boring sport on earth understand what the flags mean.

Sure, the chequered one means that Michael Schumacher has finished the race, but what the rest signify is a mystery.

But we can all of us understand that a man with a placard on the middle of the track means slow down. Or could it mean speed up?

Come on, it’s not that cruel, we’ve all played the game in our cars when the old dear steps out into the road with her week’s shopping of one potato and a can of spam.

‘Fifty points!’ your co-driver shouts. You laugh. You could excuse the drivers at Silverstone for thinking the same as the God-botherer ran out in front of them.

That’s 30 points for a middle-aged man; 50 points for his kilt; and 1,000 points for the blatant display of religion.

This game could even be extended. From holes beneath the tarmac, pictures would periodically pop up, in the manner of targets in a shooting gallery.

A mother and child appear inches ahead of David Coulthard’s thrusting nose-cone. Hit them and lose 10 points. Miss them and gain 20.

Colliding with the Marlboro man would mean instant dismissal for Ferrari and 100 points for Jenson Button’s BAR. A Lucky Strike in the sponsorship stakes.

What the team orders would be for a pint-sized effigy of the pint-sized Bernie Ecclestone is debatable.

His supposed plan to replace the British Grand Prix with an Indian version would mean a loss of prestige for British racing. But the worldwide appeal would grow.

After all, how much more tricky would it be to avoid an entire sacred cow?

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Posted: 22nd, July 2003 | In: Back pages Comment | TrackBack | Permalink