The C-Plan Diet

‘YESTERDAY, oddball magician David Blaine introduced us to the Van Gogh diet, which involves losing weight by chopping an ear off.

‘Let’s play Pass The Zantrex’

This morning, we learn about the Britney diet, which it seems involves snogging women twice her age and popping large quantities of diet pills.

The Star uncovered the sexy singer’s secret after a bottle of fat-burning pills fell out of the star’s handbag at Heathrow Airport.

‘Britney quickly tried to hide them,’ it says, ‘but onlookers recognised the distinctive blue bottle.’

How onlookers can recognise a bottle of Zantrex-3 from 10 paces we don’t know, but the Star tells us the drug is a huge-seller in the United States.

So is another slimming product, featured in the Mail – cocaine.

But instead of trumpeting its properties as an appetite suppressant, the Mail calls it a cancer which is tainting every part of our culture.

And to prove it, the paper sent reporters to lick the toilet seat in pubs and clubs up and down the country – and every one returned with a numb feeling on their tongue (and a wiry hair between their teeth).

But before pub toilets become full of fatties trying to get their chubby little hands on this slimming drug, we should point out that cocaine is illegal and licking toilets is a task that should be left to professionals.

Much better to turn to the Mirror’s ‘Better Than Atkins’ diet – at least until a ‘Better Than The Better Than Atkins’ diet comes along.’

Posted: 3rd, September 2003 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink