Chain Reaction

‘IF we locked people up to spare us from their publicity stunts, former S-Clubber Rachel Stevens would be another one looking at a spell in chokey right now.

”Do you want me to sing?”

Her debut solo single Sweet Dreams My LA Ex may have all the excitement of a funeral dirge, but our Rachel knows that most people listen to the song with the volume down anyway.

As a showbiz veteran, Rachel is well aware that it’s not what you sound like but what you look like that counts – after all, a half-dressed picture in the papers is worth a thousand out-of-tune words.

And last night the Star tells us that ”raunchy” Rachel caused ”royal blushes” as she pranced around stage at the Royal Variety Performance with whips and chains.

”The Royals glanced away uncomfortably when the performance turned too blue,” says the paper – although, from what we know about life inside the Palace, that was probably because the act was so tame.

One onlooker said: ”It was obviously quite a shock for the Queen, but Prince Philip seemed to enjoy himself.”

Why these onlookers (all of whom sound suspiciously like Star journalists) persist in the idea that the Queen is shocked by the latest wannabe trying to grab a bit of publicity we don’t know.

Not only has she seen it all before a hundred times, but in her generosity she is happily providing accommodation and three square meals a day to many of their publicity-hungry colleagues…’

Posted: 25th, November 2003 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink