True Grit

‘OF course, how much better things would be for Tony if he could find a way of not so much winning the vote on student top-up fees as not letting it take place at all.

‘Okay, who loaded it with ballbearings instead?’

A quick pre-emptive strike on a few of his political enemies within the Labour party would be just.

But political massacres are rarely if ever the done thing and, in any case, we’ve looked over the local munitions supply and can’t find a working gun or any weapon of mass destruction.

Alternatively, Tony could license George Bush and his team to count the votes, or even get Saddam Hussein’s former aides involved.

This way Tony could either poll less than half the vote and still win (a la George Dubya), or get all 110% (a la Saddam).

But, perhaps, better simply to prevent the rebel MPs from getting to Westminster to cast their votes.

And for this means to a noble end, Tony, like us, can take heart from the Guardian’s news that the artic weather is well and truly on its way.

But while Tony prays hard for a plague of snow and black ice, Brian Dobson sits in his bright yellow gritting lorry.

Brain oversees 784 miles of road and motorway in the Yorkshire and Humber area, including the bleak 372-metre Pennine summit of Windy Hill, Britain’s highest stretch of motorway.

But if someone were to lose Brain’s keys, then Labour rebels like Hull North MP Kevin McNamara might find that they cannot get to London in time to vote.

And if the clutch of other rebel Labour MPs who operate in the North East – Nick Brown, Jim Cousins, Doug Henderson (all Newcastle Upon Tyne), Gerry Steinberg (City of Durham) and Bill Etherington (Sunderland) – can’t make it, then Tony is just 13 votes short of winning the day (remember Diane Abbott).

And then consider the effect the surprise cold weather in winter will have on London-based rebels.

A cold snap freezes the Tube track, plunging the system below the minimum temperature for being surly – as laid down by Health and Safety Executive – and leads to a mass walk-out of rail workers.

The buses grind to a halt in sympathy, and the pavement can only be negotiated by Torvill and Dean. Result: 12 more rebel MPs fail to make it in to Westminster to vote.

Which leaves a tie. And the casting vote to be made by…well, what money on Gordon Brown?’

Posted: 27th, January 2004 | In: Broadsheets Comment | TrackBack | Permalink