Sandwich Spread

‘CHARLIE Stubbs is a busy boy: not only is he the only builder in Weatherfield, he’s also set himself up as some sort of charity for desperate, deranged women.

‘I don’t want him!’ ‘Neither do I!’

In fact, so busy is Charlie that he’s had to farm out some of his ‘work’ to his assistant Jason.

Charlie and Jason had gone round to a Mrs Fanshaw’s to do some work on her plumbing, quite literally as it turns out. “I’ve bought you a special biscuit,” she purred to Jason, “and then afterwards I’d like you to come upstairs and take at look at the springs on my bed.”

Jason couldn’t believe his luck and afterwards went straight to The Rovers to brag. “She even offered to make me a sandwich as well,” he said. “She always does,” replied Charlie.

Charlie’s now turned his attention from Bev to her daughter Shelly, pouncing on her in the back room of The Rovers. “We mustn’t,” she told Charlie. “What about me mam?” Surprisingly he didn’t add: “Don’t worry love, I’ve already seen to her.”

Shelly is clearly having a bit of a mental patch (lack of pies?) as not only has she fallen for the world’s smarmiest builder, she’s also got herself demoted from manageress of The Rovers to barmaid after throwing an impromptu and illegal after-hours lock-in.

Fred happened to look out of his window to see the lights in The Rovers blazing and a drunken Penny King and Mike staggering out at midnight.

Fred – who was still waiting for a reply from his marriage proposal to Penny – didn’t take too kindly to this and vented his anger on Shelly who discovered to her cost that hell hath no fury like a butcher scorned.

Fred Elliott has nothing on Karen McDonald, however, when it comes to fury. The woman is a one-person paramilitary terrorist organisation: Bin Laden has nothing on her in terms of death and destruction.

Karen’s latest wave of her Operation Shock and Awe was to destroy baby Amy’s Christening. “You’re for it, Barlow!” she screamed as she stomped up the church aisle, rolling up the sleeves of her cardie. “That’s for tryin’ to wreck me wedding day,” she said, landing a clean right hook onto to Tracy’s face.

Karen’s next move was to kick Liz out of the flat. “It’s either her or me, Steve,” she told her long-suffering husband. “This flat’s not big enough for the both of you,” sighed Steve to his mum. “This planet’s not big enough for the both of us,” sneered Liz before packing her bags.

Given the amount of hairpieces the two are currently sporting, she’s not far wrong.

But there’s a new pretender to Karen’s crown in the shape of Cilla Brown, Les’ latest squeeze and erstwhile mother to Fizz and Courtney. Cilla is back from an extended stay with a ‘friend’ and, upon discovering that Les had been seen drinking with Janice, she decided to act.

She stormed round to Janice’s flat and launched herself at her like a little ginger fur-ball. “You leave my man alone,” she screeched while pulling out chunks of Janice’s hair.

Janice can give as good as she gets, however, and, as a Battersby, loves nothing better than a good old-fashioned brawl. Les came round to try and break the pair up. “I can’t believe yer fightin’ over me!” he said.

Nor can sixteen million other people, Les.’

Posted: 29th, March 2004 | In: Strange But True Comment | TrackBack | Permalink