Creme De La Creme

‘HOW, without using the mother of all airbrushes, do you turn Michelle McManus into Kirsty Gallagher?

Two weeks in the life of Slimz-U-Like

In days gone by, such an operation would have required the following: a tenon saw, two buckets, some Ronseal woodstain and the instruction manual from a VW Polo.

No longer – with Anorak’s new range of Slimz-U-Like creams, available under the counter at all disreputable pharmacies, we can promise that no-one need ever look like Michelle again.

If you don’t believe us, consult the Independent for a second opinion.

It reports on a French test ‘involving the thighs of 200 women’ which has found that our boasts are true: ‘miracle’ slimming creams really do reduce cellulite.

The study by the French consumers’ association – which should be called Quel?, but isn’t – found that the best creams reduced the circumference of women’s thighs by up to 2cm in two weeks.

All very impressive, but even at that rate it could take months or even years before a Michelle became a Kirsty.

With Anorak’s Slimz-U-Like cream, you can shave 2cm off your thigh A DAY – 14 times quicker than with, say, L’Oreal’s PerfectSlim or Elancyl’s Chrono-Actif.

To prove it, we conducted our own test involving the thighs of some lardy girl called Janet whose job in Anorak Towers no-one has ever quite discovered.

We rubbed Slimz-U-Like into one of Janet’s thighs every day for a week and a placebo cream into her other thigh.

The difference was staggering – and so was Janet as she tried to get around with one leg the size of a Giant Redwood and the other a young sapling.

But back to France, where women spend £50 every year on slimming creams, and the Indy reports that the manufacturers are not happy with the results.

Marie-Jeanne Husset, of 60 Million de Consummatuers, said it strengthened the case for regulation.

‘The last thing they want,’ she said, ‘is for slimming creams to be listed as medicines.’

Believe us – it’s better you don’t know what goes to make these creams…’

Posted: 29th, April 2004 | In: Broadsheets Comment | TrackBack | Permalink