50 Pence

”WILL the real David Beckham please stand up, please stand up, please stand up?’

Becks is worth almost two 50 Cents

If only he could, but he carries so much baggage around with him these days (see Posh) that it’s hard for him to move let alone stand up and declare himself to be, well, himself.

In any case, even if he could stand up, which David Beckham would be the real deal?

Would it be the white boy from Leytonstone with the blonde fringe and the reedy voice? The walking lychee that is the black man inside the white body? Or what about the devoted husband and father? The adulterer? The footballer?

There are so many things going on in Beckham’s life that it should be turned into a book, a film or – get this – a rap act.

Yes, folks get ready to give it up (and give up all hope) for David Beckham rap artist, aka Becks, aka Buff Daddy, aka 50 Pence.

News from the National Enquirer is that Beckham and P Diddy, aka Puff Daddy, have become so close that the American musician has offered to take charge of 50 Pence’s rap career.

And what every rapper needs first off is… No, not a voice. No, not an axe to grind against ‘the man’. And no, not a ho bitch mama. What he needs is a logo.

One insider explains all. ‘From the logo came the idea of Becks having his own theme song,’ says the source, ‘a sort of anthem that can be played with TV and radio ads endorsing his products as well as being sung at soccer matches by fans on the terraces.’

It’s good to see that the Americans have a keen grasp on the machinations of the typical football ground.

And it’s hard not to agree that anything would be an improvement on the footballing question of our time: ‘Does she take it up the arse?’

But then someone on Becks’ team asked: ‘Why stop there?’ Why stop at an anthem when you can have an entire Beckham rap album. Hell, Beckham could be the new Eminem!

Big ideas indeed. And as Beckham’s talking baggage says: ‘We’ve got big plans for America – both of us.’

So take it away, 50 Pence: ‘Will the real Posh Beckham please shut up, please shut up, please shut up…’ [Repeat until she fades into obscurity or he leaves her.]’

Posted: 11th, June 2004 | In: Reviews Comment | TrackBack | Permalink