Bev Packs Her Bags

‘SINCE the departures of Liz and Cilla, the Street’s been lacking a certain something in the fishwife department.

When they were brown

Liz and Janice do their best but, since the appearance of factory manager Danny, who’s nicknamed them “Lippy and Bolshy”, they’ve had their wings clipped somewhat.

So it’s a welcome return to Weatherfield for Miss Leanne Battersby. Leanne, regular viewers will remember, left the street to go travelling after her disastrous marriage to Nick and subsequent abortion.

Her travelling didn’t take her that far, however, as father Les found her working in a dodgy strip bar. “I won’t ‘ave you in a place like this!” ranted Les, somewhat hypocritically as he’d gone there to celebrate Patrick’s birthday.

Having nothing better to do (clearly the call up for The Bill never came), Leanne decided that she’d go back to Weatherfield for a bit to “catch up with a few old faces”.

Leanne quickly discovered that Nick was engaged to Maria. “Would that be the same Maria who stole our Toyah’s boyfriend?” she asked Janice. On discovering that it was, Leanne decided, like all good fishwives, to take the law into her own hands and mete out some old school justice.

“You dirty little tart!” screamed Leanne to Maria in The Rovers. “You can’t keep your ‘ands off any man, can yer?” she continued, before lunging at Maria and pulling clumps of her hair out.

Nick, being about as useful in a fight as Elton John’s partner David Furnish, stood around ineffectually, worrying about breaking his nails. Leanne then threw a pint over Nick – making him marginally wetter than he normally is – and stormed off. What a woman!

And on the subject of deranged women, we said farewell to Bev this week. Charlie and Bev slept together again at The Rovers while Shelly was out with Sunita.

“I’m beginning to think I should have stuck with you,” Charlie smarmed in Bev’s ear. That was all the encouragement Bev needed to drag Charlie upstairs to that he could re examine the plasterwork on her ceiling.

The next day Bev was consumed with guilt (not enough to have actually stopped her though, obviously), and confessed to Shelly. “I don’t believe ya,” stammered Shelly. “You’re evil.”

Shelly stomped round to Charlie’s builder’s yard to confront him. “You won’t believe what my mum’s been saying now.” Oh I think he will, Shelly.

Charlie put on his best innocent face – one that’s probably had a lot of use. “Come on, Shelly. Would I do that to you?” Unfortunately the answer is yes.

Shelly, having already married a bigamist, isn’t the best judge of men and decided to take Charlie’s word over her mother’s. “I want you out,” she told Bev, “by the end of today.”

“He’ll break yer heart, Shelly luv. He’s a liar and a cheat,” sobbed Bev as she got into the back of Patrick’s taxi.

So just like her mum then?’

Posted: 18th, June 2004 | In: Strange But True Comment | TrackBack | Permalink