Idiotic Equations

‘IF there is one story that is even more common than a poll on Dumb Britain, it is the bogus mathematical equation.

‘Agh! And there isn’t even any bubble bath!’

Or, as the Guardian says, ‘the latest attempt by the scientific community to offer algebraic explanations for the seemingly inexplicable’.

Proving that academics are never happier than when prostituting themselves for money, mathematicians at King’s College, London, have been commissioned by Sky Movies to come up with a formula for the ultimate horror film.

For what it’s worth, the equation contains 11 variables – escalating music (es), the unknown (u), chase scenes (cs), the sense of being trapped (t), shock (s), true life (tl), fantasy (f), a small number of characters (a), an isolated setting (fs), the lights off (dr) and gore (x).

And the scariness of a film can be measured thus: (es + u + cs + t) squared + s +(tl + f)/2 + (a + dr + fs)/n + sin x -1.

By this token, The Shining is the scariest film of all time, although a home video of Vanessa Feltz in the bath comes a pretty close second.

Earlier this year, the Guardian reminds us, scientists came up with a formula for perfect happiness: P + (5 x E) + (3 x H).

And Anorak boffins have been working for some time on their own formula for the perfect scientific formula: B + O + L + L + O + C + K + S.’

Posted: 5th, August 2004 | In: Broadsheets Comment | TrackBack | Permalink