Bodies Of Evidence

‘IN keeping with the holiday season, this column is coming to you from a poolside sofa somewhere in the Hamptons.

The face that launched a thousand zits

And it seems most of the Enquirer’s staff are here too, leaving behind a skeleton crew to fill in the blanks with a huge section called ‘HOLLYWOOD BODY PARTS’.

Such is the love of cosmetic surgery in the Hollywood hills – where noses, stomachs and breasts are discarded like old husbands and wives – that you half expect the section to come with a complimentary Michael Jackson nose or Pamela Anderson breast.

But those special offers for another time, and now what we do get is hope and the comforting knowledge that behind every well-lit camera angle and beneath every inch-thick layer of make-up festers a pock-marked complexion and more lines than a Blue Peter reunion.

Working from the top down, the Enquirer’s summer staff first take a look at the celebrity face, so affording another chance to see Cameron Diaz’s spots.

So many times have we now seen the zit-riddled face of Hollywood’s highest-paid actress that we have taken to calling each of her blemishes by name.

Hell, Larry’s even got his own agent.

After that, it’s ‘Schnozzolas!’, a section overshadowed by Sophia Loren’s hooter, which actually seems to follow you around the room.

And cue pictures of Barry Manilow, Gerard Depardieu, Joan Cusak and, naturally, Michael Jackson.

Then foreheads, and the news that while Christina Ricci stopped growing at five foot three, without her forehead she is no more than two-feet tall – in her heels!

Then comes a montage of the changing shape of Pamela Anderson, whose chest has gone up more times than a Viagra salesman in a lift and down more times than a White House intern.

And so on it’s goes, through lips, legs, single shins, double chins, hair, wigs, teeth (in which even our dear Prince Charles features), legs, ears, buttocks and moles.

We see Mark Wahlberg’s third nipple, Angelina Jolie’s veiny forehead, Denzel Washington’s demented little finger and ‘the many faces of Mickey Rooney’ (all horrible).

And just when you thought there couldn’t be any more, here come Matt Le Blanc’s fulsome breasts.

All five of them…’

Posted: 10th, September 2004 | In: Reviews Comment | TrackBack | Permalink