Abi – The Lifesaver

‘WE at Anorak have been known to make some outrageous claims for our esteemed publication – it can improve your sex life, boost your self-confidence, give you whiter teeth etc.

Abi is available on the NHS and through all discount video shops

But we have never been so bold as to claim, as the Sun does this morning: “This paper could save your life.”

[While there is no direct evidence that Anorak saves lives, however, we do advise readers not to test out the theory by trying to live without their daily dose.]

The basis of the Sun’s claim is a health special, comprising 20 DIY tests designed to provide early warnings of any problems with your health.

These include counting your breaths, checking your ankles, looking at your fingernails, balancing on one foot and poring over a picture of ex-nurse Abi Titmus every day.

Helpfully, the Sun provides just such a picture of the “sex romp video queen” for the better health of its readers.

But a word of warning – those with a weak heart should refrain from turning to Page 7 where we see Abi flashing her man-made assets in a LESBIAN [their capitals, not ours] photoshoot.

Lads’ mag FHM has teamed Abi with busty model Victoria Silvstedt in what is presumably a first-aid class for its readers.

And 28-year-old Abi reveals: “Best bit was when we were oiled up topless. Victoria’s breasts are absolutely spectacular.”

Victoria returns the compliment – sort of. “Abi has the most beautiful eyes,” she says. “Not that I have anything against touching her boobs or anything.”

And readers of the Star can also gaze fondly into the Fantasy Channel presenter’s beautiful eyes as she appears (dressed only in her underwear, of course) in a picture exclusive that is worth a stay in any number of health spas.

The NHS may have lost a nurse when Abi quit her job, but rest assured that she is providing her very own national health service…in a paper or magazine near you.’

Posted: 28th, October 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink