We’re All Burgered

‘FORGET Al-Qaeda, garden ponds and killer pretzels and know that the biggest danger to the free world is a beef burger.

Sweaty skull, large heel bones, long legs and tear ducts

In ‘Is this the world’s deadliest burger?’ (Mail) and the ‘BURGER OF DEATH’ (Sun), readers of both papers get to grips with the Monster Thickburger, a whopping 1,420 calories and 107 grams of fat on sale at US fast food chain Hardee’s.

For the cardiac surgeon’s records, this farm in a bun is a composite blend of two 5oz slabs of beef, four strips of bacon, three cheese slices, mayonnaise and a buttered sesame seed bun.

It comes with a side order of blocked arteries, indigestion tablets and perforated stomach.

But for anyone who dares to take on of these beasts there is heartening news in the Sun, where we learn that to rid yourself of the burger you need not order the stomach pump entree but merely walk for 22 miles.

Of course, you may have trouble moving for a few months after your meal, but while you contemplate your stretched navel you may even like to consider the benefits of a jog.

Sure, your knees might give way as you pound the merciless tarmac and your nipples fall off as they chaff against your nylon blend running vest, but if it was good enough for the caveman, it’s good enough for you.

The Express hears US researchers Dr Dennis Bramble and Dr Daniel Lieberman claim that jogging began two million years ago and helped human beings dominate the planet.

Indeed, our bodies are designed for jogging. Indications of the evolution of ‘marathon man’ are the skull shape, which allows sweat to evaporate, large heel bones, shock-absorbing discs in the spine and long legs.

Which, by happy coincidence, also enable you do dash to the toilet with minimal fuss as Aimee, your Hardee’s waitress, wheels out the dessert boat …’

Posted: 18th, November 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink