Helen’s Melons

‘WATCHING Channel 4’s Helen of Troy on Saturday night was like reliving the moment when the moderately good looking German exchange teacher arrives at school.

With the Swiss miss in charge lessons are no longer just about finding imaginative new ways to work the phrase “So what did you do in the war?” into your oral and written work. German is deep and interesting. The Germans have words for “love” and “sex” and “romantic walks down country lanes” and “breasts”.

Miss’s breasts were at it again on Saturday night. Not Herr Julia’s, but Bettany Hughes’s. She’s the history totty that will get us all fascinated in her subject.

And when talking of Helen of Troy, the legendary beauty, Bettany told us that the woman whose face had launched a thousand ships also had a terrific pair of jugs, or amphoras.

Helen’s cuckolded husband Menelaus would have taken back his wife only to slit her throat had she not possessed such wonderful breasts. Forget the ships – just how many men’s magazine‘s do you think a modern day Helen would have launched?

Problem was Ms Hughes. She might be a nice looking long-haired brunette, the history section’s very own Nigella Lawson, but when she said “breasts” that was the start and end of it.

Nigella would have raised an eyebrow at the word’s utterance and added that the breasts were plump or even juicy. All Bettany did was say it: “breasts.”

That might be enough for people who spend their weekends walking along the towpath of the Grand Union canal and rubbing brass, but we TV viewers in on Saturday night wanted more.

We’d heard the word “breasts” before. And if you watch Rome, the BBC drama set in the dying days of the Roman Empire, you can get some full frontal male and female nudity and depictions of violent sex.

Bettany wasn’t making enough effort to seduce us. Why not show us a pair of breast-shaped goblets modelled on an impression of Helen’s fabulous orbs, of the type Madame de Pompadour apparently drank champagne from? Why not show us some cleavage?

She looked exactly as you’d imagine an expert in history to look – tired trousers and jumper in sensible shades of blue.

Helen is “the woman blamed for the Trojan War – a conflict that caused countless deaths – but who was the real Helen of Troy?,” said the blurb on Channel 4’s website.

All we found out was that this real Helen of Troy was pretty much like the fictional one – notwithstanding her real or false breasts…’

Posted: 24th, October 2005 | In: Celebrities Comment | TrackBack | Permalink