Roo-in The Day

“SORRY!” So says the headline in the News Of The World. “Sven apologises after penalty heartbreak.”

But what is Sven apologising for? Surely penalties are in the laps of the gods. They are more about luck then skill and know-how. Should Sven be saying sorry for that?

Or should he be saying sorry for what the Times’s Hugh McIlvanney calls “dishevelling England’s World Cup challenge”; for moulding talented individuals into a perfunctory, non-scoring team; for making England dull, their reputation lest damaged by the drama of penalties than saved by it – at least the penalties were exciting.

But it is no use guessing what Sven is thinking. If his lover Nancy Dell ‘Olio doesn’t know what’s on his mind, what hope do we have?

So here’s Sven: “We lost on penalties and I am really sorry about it.” He continues: “We are out of the tournament and it hurts incredibly. It’s very painful.”

He goes on to say that the quality of his squad was so good that the team should have made it to the final. Curse those penalties. Forget the fact that they were poorly struck, and that England failed to score a goal in two hours of open play. And curse those penalties.

And curse Wayne Rooney. “NUTS!” says the Mirror’s headline. And there’s a picture of idiotic Wayne planting his boot into the tender parts of Ricardo Carvalho’s groin.

But wait a moment. Rooney is not as brainless as he appears. You see, stamping on someone as they lie on the ground is not his fault. We should blame that dastardly Portugal winger Ronaldo, Rooney’s team-mate are Manchester United.

“Ronaldo was goading Wayne before the game and said he was going to get him sent off,” says an England player. This sounds bad. Rooney was actually warned that he would be targeted. His actions now look even more stupid than they did before. And who would have believed that possible?

And then there are Rooney’s team-mates. Steven Gerrard says: “He won’t get any blame from me.” Frank Lampard says: “I am sure it was a foul on Wayne in the first place.”

And dear old Sven says: “I saw what happened with Rooney on a small TV screen and I need to see it again before I can have any more ideas about it.”

So, you see. Sven should not apologise about producing an ordinary team. And Wayne must not feel guilty about scuppering so much hope by kicking someone in the knackers. It was not their fault. It was just cheating foreigners and bad luck…

Posted: 2nd, July 2006 | In: Back pages Comment | TrackBack | Permalink