Farming Out Britain
YOU can learn a lot about a country by studying its media.
Right now would be immigrants, migrant workers and asylum seekers looking to blend in with the UK landscape are perfecting the pastimes of farting, belching and group bigotry.
But we are so much more than Big Brother. We are Emmerdale.
British TV’s tale of farming folk has been sold to the Romanians. As the Sun reports, the Romanians are to be treated to Lokerbie-style air crashes, lesbians lovers and murder.
Agrarian skills are little in evidence on the show, although there are animalistic noises coming from the hayloft and there was something bestial about Seth’s moustache.
(Modern farming techniques may soon be in evidence as the Star reports that Haris, a hairdressers in Knightbridge, London, is introducing a hair treatment made from semen extracted from Aberdeen Angus bulls. Organic ones, naturally.)
Such is the life of a farmer in the UK. And such is the high level of excitement in Romania. Sorina Big, a spokesman for the Romanian TV station, says: “We are thrilled to have acquired such a fascinating series as Emmerdale. We hope the Romanian audience will find the stories and the rural English life appealing.”
But surely not too appealing. For the past months, some sections of the Press have been talking of the Romanian invasion. Accompanied by Bulgarians, these Rogarians would take over our country and enslave us all.
And these are the Romanians pictured in the Sun as “VAMPIRE PATS”. There’s a picture of Dracula biting into the bloody neck of Emmerdale star Louise.
And in “FANGS A LOT FOR SHEEP AND SEX”, the Star says the “land of Dracula” is to “get its fangs stuck into Emmerdale”. The image is repeated.
Star readers learn that the Romanians have bought “50 of the raciest episodes” as they have bought “50 of the raciest episodes” in the Sun.
The Star then treats its readers to a view of the show’s Rodney as Dracula, blood pouring from a pair of huge fangs.
Meanwhile, over in Romania, the locals have put down their copies of Middlemarch and are right now seeing if that can put their Big Brother know-how to use.
Can they use the word f*ck as a verb, noun, adverb and adjective all in the same sentence.
And can they get to the top meadow without mithering and before the cops find the young indoor farmer’s marihuana cash crop..?
Posted: 2nd, February 2007 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink
