X Factor: Comatose Joe McElderry, Danyl Johnson Kills Polar Bears And Olly Murs Itches, Literally
X Factor: Joe McElderry makes us think, Danyl Johnson kills polar bears, Olly Murs twitches the itches and Stacey Solomon gets religious. Those performances, in order:
Olly Murs – Can You Feel It?
Olly is dressed like he’s off to the cricket club dinner. He signs a song in which the backing signers ask “Can you Feel It?” over and over and over while Olly fingers his white suit. He then dances like a pair of chicken drummers strapped to a cross trainer. He’s the worst of the night, and he’s only first up.
Joe McElderry – She’s Out Of My Life
Joe is dull. He looks neat. He sings neat. He dances neat. Even his teeth and hair are neat. Joe is a shoo-in to play the lead in Joseph And his Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat. Dull.
Stacey Solomon – The Way You Make Me Feel
Stacey is likeable. She wears a hat indoors. People who wear a hat indoors are either deeply religious or ready to kill someone. Stacey might be both. She straddled the furniture on stage and looked pretty good.
Danyl Johnson – Man In The Mirror
This paean to vanity is chosen by Simon Cowell. Behind Danyl there are polar bears sat on small lumps of ice as if they’re trying to melt it with their body heat. Vote for Danyl and a polar bear dies. Vote now and vote often. Polar bears are bad news.
Olly – We Can Work It Out
Olly Murs moves like someone’s poured itching powder in his knickers. The song is bouncy and forgettable. Olly is in trouble. But he does give hope that if he wins any dad can dance like a popstar – so long as that popstar is Olly Murs.
Joe – Open Arms
He sings Open Arms, as sung by Journey. As Joe sings, Anorak starts thinking of those polar bears and if they know that there are now more popular in the media than panda bears. Do polar bears gloat at the big bear get-togethers? Then I come round and Joe has finished singing.
Stacey – Somewhere
Best of the night. Stacey is allowed to mention her son. She’s through.
Danyl – I Have Nothing
Danyl through.
Stacey Though.
Joe through.
Olly out…
Posted: 5th, December 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts Comments (9) | TrackBack | Permalink
