Paul Gascoigne Gets Help From Mike Tyson

SAYS Mike Tyson on Paul Gascoigne: “I know what has happened to Gazza and I feel I can help him.”

Tyson is speaking from Las Vegas to the Daily Star.

He goes on: “A lot of top sportsmen have suffered in their private lives, including me. And I want to help him. I still see him as a superstar and I would like to meet him.”

Having roomed with a talking stuffed parrot and Chris Waddle, the next logical partner for Gazza might well be a convicted rapist and ear nibbler.

Anorak

Posted: 15th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Bully For Britain: An Anorak Campaign

SAYS Joe Calzaghe in the Sun: “I was bullied at school.”

Calzaghe is the undefeated middleweight champion of the world.

It might be that bullying was the making of him, just as it has been the making of some many others.

We urge the Government to back Anorak’s Bully For Britain campaign to get more children bullied and so create more British. champions…

Anorak

Posted: 14th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment

Arsene Wenger On Being A Genius

ARSENE Wenger is a genius. Little money. Little desire for magic football in the English game. But Arsene brings light and meaning to it all:

 “I will come back just before I die and will tell you how hard it is has been. If you ask me whether I want to win it, I’d say ‘yes, of course’. How much? If I stopped my career would I think ‘do I commit suicide, because I haven’t won the Champions League’. Well I’d hope not.”

A true football genius…

Spotter 

Anorak

Posted: 11th, April 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (2)

Death Stalks Princess Anne’s Ex-Husband Mark Phillips

PRINCESS Anne, equine daughter to Queen Elizabeth, is said to be odds with her horse-enthusiast ex-husband, Mark Phillips (what did he ever see in her?)

The New York Post looks at a story in The New York Times that says that three riders hoping to qualify for the US Olympic equestrian team have died during competitions in the US. Phillips is the team’s coach.

Know that nine more riders worldwide have died over the past year and half. No, not horses, the riders.

The Post says deaths are up “because the sport has become more popular and the jumping courses, some designed by Phillips himself, have become more challenging”.

“Phillips is about to be crucified as the halfwit menace,” says one British journalist.

Anorak

Posted: 11th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Royal Family | Comments (5)

Alex Ferguson’s Son And Wife Do The Ronaldo

“FERGIE’S lad is fined for assaulting his missus,” says the Star.

The headline refers to Darren Ferguson, the Manchester United talent who turned away from a career playing for his dad’s team to spend time with his family. Football’s loss was Nadine’s gain.

But football remains in the blood of the now Peterborough United manager, and the Star reports:

“He argues he had never intended to kick or injure her – but she ran onto his outstretched leg, hit the ground and suffered pains in her stomach”.

Anorak

Posted: 11th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Ashley Cole And Cheryl Ring In The Changes

BIG news from the world of football as Chelsea’s vomitous footballer Ashley Cole is caught buying fuel and a bottle of water at a petrol station.

And that’s not all.

The Star looks at the Chelsea player and sees no sign of his wedding ring, and this on top of the news that his wife Cheryl Cole is not wearing her wedding band.

To the Star’s source it’s a sign of a rift.

But anyone versed in celebrity marriages must believe the rings are right now being burnished to a shine more brilliant than Ashley’s wedding suit, that “beige, single-breasted tailcoat suit with cream silk lapels and a cream satin tuxedo strip on the trousers”, as OK! magazine noted.

Anorak

Posted: 11th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment

Steven Gerrard’s Lost Brookside Script Has Legs

“I WOULD like to say that in 2001 my son Steven was being terrorised by a notorious Liverpool gangster known as ‘The Psycho’ who was threatening to maim my son by shooting him in the legs.”

So says Paul Gerrad, stood in Lincoln Crown Court, speaking of John Kinsella, an “underworld fixer” accused of taking part in a robbery.

Paul Gerrard goes on:

“Also he was trying to extort a large amount of money from Steven. We immediately contacted the police and asked for protection. This went on for a long time, during which Steven’s car was smashed up and the gangster chased him while he was driving home from training.

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 10th, April 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment (1)

China Plays With Fire In Paris And London

FRESHLY thawed from a podium in south-east London, Lord Sebastian Coe condemns the “army” (Mail) of Chinese “thugs” who accompanied the Olympic torch relay through London.

“Horrible,” says Lord Coe, if that’s not overdoing it.

Former Blue Peter presenter Konnie Huq, who carried the torch through London – get an adult to help with the matches, viewers – says she was manhandled by the Chinese “flame attendants”.

Konnie should have released her iron grip and produced another version she’d made earlier. But Konnie is made of stern stuff. Konnie would not let go; or thanks to sticky-back tape, couldn’t let go.

Anorak

Posted: 8th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (7)

Kevin Rudd Says Not To Chinese Olympic Goons

SAYS Kevin Rudd, Australian leader du jour:

We will not be having Chinese security forces, or the Chinese security services, providing security for the torch when it is in Australia. We – Australia – will be providing that security.

Joe Bugner still alive?

Anorak

Posted: 8th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Politicians | Comment (1)

Fabio Capello Is A Little Flower

SAYS Evelina Tortul Capello of her Fabio Crapello:

“He was always a mummy’s boy, being a single child. He is tender like a mimosa flower.”
The mimosa does best outside in a southern garden. The 2010 World Cup is in South Africa. One of the venues is the Green Stadium. And South Africa has the Garden Route. And…

(Enough – ed). Pic.

Anorak

Posted: 8th, April 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment

Sat In The Dark With Manchester United’s Alex Ferguson

A LATE bid to wind back the clock by Sir Alex Ferguson, purple-headed manager of Manchester United.

Fergie looks at his stopwatch and realises it’s time for the cinema. In the official Manchester United magazine, he says: “I go to the movies a lot.”

Of he and his wife Cathy, says Fergie: “We prefer thrillers with good storylines. We go early so I can get my pick ‘n’ mix, my ice cream and my hot dog.”

Fergie stops short of telling us what his favourite confectionary is nor does he list his top three ice-creams in order. There is sadly no picture of Ferguson stood dressed in retro United knickerbockers while eating a knickerbocker glory.

Anorak

Posted: 7th, April 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (2)

Crazed Konnie Huq Fan Ruins Olympic Torch Progress

“OLYMPIC run turns into farce,” says the Express.

Thirty-seven arrests have been made after clashes between pro-Tibet protesters and police as the Olympic torch made its way through London, says the BBC.

“Crowds cheer and scream ‘China we love you as China’s Olympic torch brings light to gloomy London,” says the Chinese news agency.

Meanwhile, over in London the farce goes on as athletes move the burning baton along the relay until it reaches BBC children’s TV presenter and maybe athlete Konnie Huq who gets jumped on by a crazed fan…

Anorak

Posted: 7th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Coleen McLouhglin’s Two-Tier Wedding Mistake

THAT Coleen McLoughlin and her footballer Wayne Rooney are getting married – to each other – occupies the Mail’s thoughts.

In “Rationing the Rooneys”, the Mail says Coleen is planning one do for the “A-listers” and another for her husband’s relatives.

The party in the Mediterranean will be an OK!-funded do with the usual fire-eaters, shiny suits and Coleen’s A-list pals, such as her husband, her husband’s team-mates and her husband’s team-mates wives.

Back on Merseyside, Wayne’s relatives are chowing down on pickled egg sarnies and not drinking all that much as Coleen considers imposing a limit on alcohol.

Anorak

Posted: 7th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)

A Nazi Business For Max Mosley, Bahrain And The Germans

FORMULA One chief Max Mosley faces allegations that he took part in a Nazi sex fantasy.

He is now barred from entering the Kingdom of Bahrain. No problem you’d think. Bahrain is famous for heat and sand, and you get those every third Monday in August in Bridlington.

As the Mail notes, in a letter, the Crown Prince of Bahrain, Sheikh Salman Bin Hamad Al-Khalifa has asked Mr Mosley not to attend the Bahrain Grand Prix.

Says he: “In light of the allegations, I suspect you may be deliberating on your planned attendance at the Grand Prix here in Bahrain later in the week. I therefore felt it important to convey the position of Bahrain and its people. With great regret I feel that under the current circumstance, it would be inappropriate for you to be in Bahrain at this time.”

It is uncertain if the people of Bahrain are appalled by the Nazis or the spanking. The Sheikh of Bahrain declared war on Germany on September 10, 1939 and Bahraini forces fought under British command in the Middle East. Although capital punishment is legal.

Anorak

Posted: 4th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (3)

The Vink Tank: Arsenal, Liverpool And Football Corruption

“FOOTBALLER ‘fixed match to pay off gambling debt of £50,000’” announces the Independent.

Know that a footballer has admitted to fixing match. Who he is we are not told, only that he “has a Premiership club on his CV” and a gambling problem.

This narrows it down to around 4,500 footballers, although if we take in youth teams, youth team trialists and scratchcards, the figure rises to 321,987.

Other clues are that Player A ran up a 50,000 debt with a bookmaker and the bookmaker offered to write off the debt if the player got himself sent off and also persuaded three team-mates to get booked in an agreed game.

What the game was, how much the bookmaker profited by, who the bookmaker is or pretty much any other detail fails to make it into the paper’s “special investigation”.

Indy readers do learn that this is “a nightmare scenario for football’s authorities. It is confirmation that football in Britain is not immune to the corruption that has recently blighted other nations – including Italy, Germany and Poland…”

And the Netherlands. Or not the Netherlands.

In “I’M NO REFFIN’ CHEAT,” the Sun hears from Dutch official Pieter Vink, who officiated at Arsenal’s Champions’ League quarter-final game with Liverpool.

Anorak

Posted: 4th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets | Comments (10)

Page 3 Mel Holds It Together For London Marathon

RACING the Maasai Warriors at this summer’s London Marathon is Page 3 stunna Mel.

Yesterday, we reported on how the Maasai Striders have been told that it is illegal to show certain parts of your body in the UK so is important to wear underwear.

Mel can only agree, although her reasons for underwater are for matters of speed and improved aerodynamics rather than etiquette.

Says she: “I’ve had to wear a sports bra during my training to stop my boobs from wobbling around.

Anorak

Posted: 4th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment (1)

In Morning For Ave Mariah Carey

MARIAH Carey is “not a morning person”.

So says the Mirror, which spots the chanteuse “boozing it up” in London’s San Lorenzo eatery at 3am, a time newspapers used to call the wee small hours of the morning.

But bigger morning hours are also out. So Carey had to cancel yesterday’s interview on Capital Radio and reschedule for this morning.

But the Mirror says Carey is not much of a mid-morning person either and had to cancel once more because there “was a logistical problem getting her four-car entourage” to the station from her hotel.

It all adds to the Carey myth if her being a diva. The Mirror is happy to indulge the brand.

Anorak

Posted: 3rd, April 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment (1)

Phil Neville’s Home Explains Why Versace Was Murdered

JULIE Neville and her football Phil Neville are selling their home.

For £4million, you can take ownership of a Cheshire pile seemingly modelled on a private boarding school in Jeddah, or, indeed, a pile.

Eyes are drawn to, and left bleeding, by the 12-seater dining-room table that doubles as a landing strip for Manchester Airport in time of dense fog.

Floors are covered in a uniform carpet of gold, with embroidered swooshes of golder gold and the golden initials “PJ” entwined.

The Star says it is a “Versace mansion”, something that may explain why the designer came to be shot dead.

Anorak

Posted: 3rd, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (7)

Armed Maasai Warriors Goad London Marathon Runners On

TO the London Marathon, at no great pace.

Six Maasai warriors are taking part in the race. No, not half a dozen blacked-up coppers from Basildon, but actual bona fide warriors with spears and shields.

Marathon chiefs are expecting a fast race this year as the warriors angle their spears into buttocks and goad them of to ever greater effort.

But they should take care. The tribesmen have been issued with a four-page guide by Greenforce charity workers.

The rules:

1. If the group sees a cow pig or sheep in a field they should not kill it and eat it. “It is important to remember these animals are owned by someone and are looked after”.

2. It is illegal to show certain parts of your body so is important to wear underwear.”

3. Use a toilet and not a bush. Do not follow the example set by Tanzania’s very own Paula Radcliffe.

4. If you take and wear something someone else has like a bracelet they will find it unusual”

5. Britishers “seem sillier when the drink alcohol”

Anorak

Posted: 3rd, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Cristiano Ronaldo Learns From Ryan Giggs’ Mistakes

CRISTIANO Ronaldo was just 14 years old when Manchester United’s Ryan Giggs removed his shirt in celebration.

What many at first thought to be a pet monkey strapped to Giggs’ torso turned out to be genuine hair. On his chest.

At a joint emergency meeting of the Football Association and Premier League’s respective marketing boards it was decide that it should never happen again.

While it would be problematic to ban hair growth, there would be penalties for any player caught removing his shirt in a goal celebration (yellow card) or on a beach in Marbella (loss of razor blade contract).

Ronaldo took note. He practiced hard. He juggled balls. He perfected flicks and tricks. He learned how to say “Good day, a back, crack and sack, my man, please” in near-perfect Ingleeesh.

Anorak

Posted: 3rd, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (34)

A Left-Armed Chinaman’s Blu-Tack England Cricket Debacle

ENGLAND’S First Test debacle in New Zealand, in Blu-Tack:

From Left-Armed Chinaman, Via

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, April 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (3)

Two Plastic Bags And A Severed Head Found On Beach

THE Scotsman and The Herald both lead with news of a severed head of a woman found by two children in a plastic bag on a beach.

Yeah, a plastic bag on the beach. Think of the turtles. We need to get the bastards who did this!

The awful discovery was made by two young sisters aged about five and six in Arbroath, Angus, shortly after high tide.

And that’s not all. Tayside Police later found a woman’s hand in another bag on the beach.
Two plastic bags on the beach.

What right-minded person cannot be appalled?

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, April 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (3)

Kazakhstan President Nursultan Nazarbayev Runs In Olympics

NO, not the Running of the Jews:

Kazakhstan President Nursultan Nazarbayev will run a 250m stretch of the torch relay after the Beijing Olympic flame arrives in Almaty, Kazakhstan on April 2, 2008.

Mr Nazarbayen is 67 years old. There is little like seeing a politician in shorts and sweat to make him appear statesmanlike and noble…

Anorak

Posted: 1st, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Politicians | Comment (1)

Fabio Capello: Jail, ‘Three Liars’ And Juventus

FABIO Crapello: Anorak’s look at England football manager Fabio Capello in the news
“THREE LIARS ON HIS SHIRT – Fabio faces jail for perjury,” says the Star’s front-page headline.

Capello is not to be charged with the crime of not making England world beaters in an instant. The Star says Capello is being “probed by Italian prosecutors after giving evidence to a football bribes hearing. And he could face four years in jail if found guilty of lying or withholding information.”

The Telegraph tells of “millions of pounds of fines and six years in prison”.

Capello was previously found guilty, by a court in Como in 2003, of pretending to live in Switzerland in order to minimise his tax payments. However, it is no coincidence that the potential legal proceedings looming over him have arrived at this particular moment, just as he left Italy for England.

In Turin, the tax police said that their investigation into Capello’s finances came about “because he was appointed to manage England, and his profile rose rapidly”.

If found guilty of both offences and jailed for each separately, Capello could be put in choky for a decade. Jail him now and he could be talked about as the greatest manager England ever had. He’d be FABio. Indeed, jail may be preferable to football failure and becoming CRAPello.

Anorak

Posted: 1st, April 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (7)

Geography Lessons With Lens And Paris St Germaine

WHILE Gordon Brown demands fingers on lips at football grounds, over in France, Paris St Germaine are taking on Lens.

A banner is unfurled.

It reads: ‘Pédophiles, chômeurs, consanguins: bienvenue chez les Cht’is’ – Paedophiles, dole scum and inbreds – welcome to the North’.

Le Figaro newspaper says the banner is 25metres long.

As for the message, the words may be right – we should not wish to call Parisian football fans liars.

It’s just that Lens lies to the north of Paris…

Spotter 

Anorak

Posted: 1st, April 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment (1)