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Premier League news. Stories from the newspapers and BBC sport – sports news from tabloids Daily Mail, Daily Express, Daily Star, the Guardian, Daily Mirror, the times, daily telegraph
Cherly Cole Should Play The Field With Ashley
THE Vomit ‘n’ Tell matter of Cheryl Cole and her footballer Ashley continues to grip the worlds of pop and sport.
The Sun says Cheryl remains “furious” at her footballer and “suspects” he cheated on her in the marital bed.
Which means, naturally enough, that Cheryl and her footballer must move to a new house. The bed is sent to Jeremy Kyle’s forensic department and form the denouement on a celebrity DNA special.
Says a source: “She has told him there will be NO more boys’ holidays ever again, and NO more lads’ night out for a long time either.”
Quite right too. If there is one thing that guarantees a happy and long-lasting marriage it is one spouse dictating to the other what they must do.
The only thing left to sort out is how Ashley’s employers at Chelsea FC can help the Girls Aloud singer.
With mid-week evening games looming and a Champion’s League quarter-final in a venue as seductive as Rome, Barcelona, Istanbul or Manchester, Ashley may be forced to remain at home.
Or take Cheryl with him, possibly in place of the club’s pint-sized wonder Joe Cole, whose named shirt she could use to avoid being spotted…
Posted: 7th, March 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Jose Mourinho Wants To ‘Kill’ Chelsea
SAYS Jose Mourinho of Chelsea: “If I play them in the Champions League, I want to go there and kill them – that’s my message.”
He’s not bitter, you see. Not bitter at all….
Posted: 6th, March 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment
Coleen McLoughlin And The Liverpool Pack Visit The Hairdressers
COLEEN McLOUGHLIN stands before a mirror, offering us a view of her front and a reflected view of her back.
Coleen McLoughlin is the complete woman.
Says OK!: “While all eyes have been on London recently for assorted swanky events like the BAFTAS and BRITS, the capital doesn’t have the monopoly on star-studded bashes.”
And to prove it OK! joins Coleen, Lauren Blake and Justine Mills at the opening of a hairdressers up north.
Also there are Evie Lavin, Sinead Moynihan, Emma Rigby, Katy O’Grady and Liverpool’s most eligible bachelor Stilt Walkers…
Posted: 5th, March 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, OK! | Comment
Vladimir Nabokov’s On Laura And Goalkeeping
VLADIMIR Nabokov on goalkeeping: “As with folded arms I leant back against the left goalpost, I enjoyed the luxury of closing my eyes, and thus I would listen to my heart knocking and feel the blind drizzle on my face and hear, in the distance, the broken sounds of the game, and think of myself as of a fabulous exotic being in an English footballer’s disguise, composing my verse in a tongue nobody understood about a remote country nobody knew. Small wonder I was not very popular with my team-mates.”
Dmitiri Nabokov’s Laura Marketing Plan
Posted: 5th, March 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment
Cl-Arse: Arsenal Win In Italy
ED Barrett reports from Italy on Arsenal’s famous win over AC Milan: “CL-ARSE.”
Ends.
Posted: 5th, March 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (2)
Cheryl Cole Tells Ashley Things Must Change
THE votes are in, the columnists have spoken, and we can now report that Cheryl Cole WILL be staying with her vomitous husband Ashley Cole.
“Give him a chance,” says Suzi Walker, former wife of former Spurs’ goalkeeper Ian Walker. “So crazy to forgive,” says the Sun’s Sally Brook.
Says the Sun: “No matter how hard she tried to convince herself to leave him, she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Cheryl has told Ashley she is taking him back. But she has also told him things have to change.”
Like the bed linen, his short and his toothbrush…
Posted: 5th, March 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Footballers Who Sounds Like Glamour Models
THE Daily Sport is running a series called “FOOTBALLERS WHO LOOK LIKE LESBIANS.”
Today’s choice is Liverpool’s sensibly—shoed defender Sami Hyppia.
With that many vowels in his name, blonde Sami may form the basis of the new feature: FOOTBALLERS WHO SOUND LIKE GLAMOUR MODELS…
Posted: 5th, March 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment
Andrew Symonds Does A Cantona
ANDREW Symonds, Australian batsman and bowler, is at the crease. A striker approaches. See the video…
Note: At a recent Arsenal v Newcastle football match, a few home Arsenal fans were berating visiting player Mr Joey Barton, then out of jail on police licence.
Having spent the better part of half an hour calling Newcastle’s former Tottenham Hotspur’s player Steven Carr a “yid” and a “dirty yido”, the enlightened ones called Mr Barton a “racist” a “pikey” and more.
Barton heard them. He smirked. The anti-racist campaigners behind us invited him for a fight. We beckoned Mr Barton forward. Here would be a Cantona moment, and one we could savour.
The professional athlete would take on the fans who were not so much asking for it but sitting up and begging for it.
But alas…
Posted: 5th, March 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment
Jermain Defoe’s Little Miss Giggle
FOOTBALLER Jermain Defoe’s “latest conquest” is called Sarah Giggle.
The Star shows Little Miss Giggle at Faces nightclub in Essex. She is wearing a T-shirt bearing the legend: “EVERY GUY I’VE MET LATELY IS A W*NKER SO DO BOTH OF US A FAVOUR AND F**K RIGHT OFF!!”
Has only Katharine Hamnett thought of it first, the T-shirt would be mass produced and on the cover of the Times. But it appears to have been made by House Of TipEx or a Miss At Magic Marker.
On first glance the message seems clear, an invaluable insight into Miss Giggles’ state of mind. But when we learn that she met Mr Defoe at a fetish party, it takes on the appearance of a kink.
Why else place the words “GUY”, “W*NKER” and “F*CK” on your body?
Posted: 4th, March 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (3)
How The London Olympics Benefits Londoners
A LOOK at the London Olympic Games:
Anyway, the following is headlined at the Mayor’s
Evening Standard ‘rebuttal’ unitpress office:“London to benefit from nearly a hundred 2012 Games training camps“.
Even the headline sounds more than a tad threatening – it might mean the Kazakh fencing squad pitching tents in Hyde Park or somesuch – but the reality is not so amusing, and by no stretch of the imagination a ‘benefit’ for Londoners:
“Mayor of London Ken Livingstone has welcomed the news that 96 sports centres and facilities across the capital have been selected to appear in a national guide listing training venues for athletes in the run up to the 2012 Games…Out of the 96 training venues selected in London, two thirds are from non-host boroughs, spreading the benefits of staging the 2012 Games across the city. Out of the 36 Olympic sporting disciplines, London is providing training facilities for 28 of them, which include a mixture of major and specialist centres including universities and schools, community facilities, and sport specific clubs“.
So, the ‘benefit’ for Londoners will be that access to the local swimming pool, football pitch, gym etc etc will be curtailed because said Kazakh fencing squad, Ecuadorean volleyball players and for all I know the Vanuatu underwater tiddlywinks team have first call on the facilities.
Croydon, is part of the rather unpleasantly named South East London Cluster, and appears to have got off comparatively lightly in that only a judo club is up for a takeover. That sundry combat sports are being offered training facilities in the grimmer east London boroughs suggests a joke that is too obvious to be worth cracking.
Posted: 4th, March 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment (1)
Cheryl Cole Records Ashley Cole Revenge
CHERYL Cole has recorded a song featuring the line: “You’ve been a f****** jerk!”
This, says the Sun’s Gordon Smart, is “the perfect way to get her message across to numbnuts husband Ashley – with a four-letter rant in a new song.”
“Jerk” does indeed contain four letters. (Who says journalists can’t do maths?) But as an Americanism it may lack the necessary “venom” to make Ashley Cole sit up and take notice. This is the Ashley Cole who is often regaled in song by fans of opposition clubs.
Four-letter words feature heavily in these works, as do six-letter words, nine letter words and one thirteen letter word that could not be repeated in this organ…
Posted: 3rd, March 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Mike Taylor Apologises For Eduardo Pain
ARSENAL manger Arsene Wenger says Birmingham’s Martin Taylor apologised to him for the tackle which broke Gunners striker Eduardo’s leg.
Says Wenger: “After the game and said it was completely accidental.
“I thought about it and said if it was accidental I had to retract my comment.
“We do not want to be a club who is seen to be wanting revenge or anything. We try to play football in a fair way.”
It’s the fans you need to worry about…
Posted: 29th, February 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment (1)
Would You Cheat On Cheryl Cole?
“CHERYL,” advertises the Star’s front page. “Well, would you cheat on her?”
Cheryl is Cheryl Cole, wife to vomitous footballer, Ashley Cole. The question is to Star readers. Would you cheat on Cheryl?
The answer is on Page 7, and to get there readers have to make a perilous journey.
On Page three, Scylla and Charybdis, aka Porchia and Hayley, pop up to take off their tops and pull on some stockings. “You’d have to say yes,” runs the headline. It’s a leap year and women can pop the question. And the question is: “Would you cheat on Cheryl?”
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Posted: 29th, February 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment
Chelsea Want Fans To Support Their Local Team: No 39 Steps
AS the Premier League champions the idea of exporting ‘The Franchise’ to the foreigners – the so-called 39 Steps – Chelsea stands accused of racism.
No, not for some of the club’s fans making anti-Semitic noises towards their team’s coach Avram Grant and sending the man packages containing a white powder.
No, for the way the fans have been known to “hiss” when they played Tottenham Hotspurs, aka The Yids; and these the same fans who go potty when the team built by Roman Abramovich wins.
The allegations of racism come in light of the club’s preparations for their game against Olympiakos of Athens.
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Posted: 29th, February 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (2)
Paul Gascoinge Poetry Writing Contest
PAUL Gascoigne has been writing poetry.
So reports the Sun, as it watches Gascoigne sat in a Malta eatery writing on serviette:
“There are no rules for loving and sharing. But hearts beat faster when someone is caring. Love Gazza. Xxx.”
The message is slid across the table to a bodyguard.
Should Gascoigne ever be in need of work, he can find a job writing the messages in greeting cards.
Gascoigne has always been the subject of literary review. Professor Karl Miller, the founder of the London Review of Books, wrote during the 1990 World Cup that Paul Gascoigne was “a priapic monolith”.
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Posted: 28th, February 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment
Eduardo Da Silva, As Viewed By Rupert Murdoch
“SKY Sports’ refusal on Saturday to replay film of Eduardo da Silva’s dreadful injury…was an act of sensitivity not repeated by the internet ghouls.
“Clips of the moment the Arsenal forward suffered his career threatening injury were posted on YouTube almost as soon as the final whistle was blow…,” writes the Times’ Kevin ‘The Insider’ Eason.
Very noble of Sky Sports, owned by Rupert Murdoch. Boo to YouTube, not owned by Rupert Murdoch.
And “Ouch!” to the Sun which, for the second day running, shows a picture of Eduardo having his leg shattered.
The Sun is owned by, er, Rupert Murdoch…
Posted: 27th, February 2008 | In: Back pages, TV & Radio | Comment
Michael Owen’s Stranger Danger
“FOOTBALLER took Dubai holidays paid for by man he barely knew,” says the Times.
Does young Michael Owen not realise how foolish this was? And him a family man…
More on this here: Autograph Hunters Denied Thrill Of The Kill
Posted: 27th, February 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment (1)
Two Views Of Eduardo Da Silva
EDUARDO da Silva, of Arsenal and Croatia, is injured horribly.
The Sun and Times have the same picture of Martin Taylor, the villain of the piece whose studs-up tackle threatens to ruin Eduardo’s career.
The captions read:
Times: “Case for defence: Taylor stretches for the ball at Birmingham City’s training ground yesterday as he attempts to put the Eduardo incident behind him.”
The Sun: “Martin Taylor flies in with studs showing again – just 45 hours after his horror tackle on Eduardo.”
Posted: 26th, February 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment (1)
Football Quote Of The Day: On Eduardo Da Silva
BIRMINGHAM defender Stephen Kelly reponds to a tackle that saw Arsenal’s Eduardo da Silver hospitalised for a severely broeken leg.
“It was harsh Tiny [Taylor] being sent off. It wasn’t a malicious tackle and the reason the ref has sent him off is because he has seen Eduardo has broken his leg.
“I don’t think you can send a player off for that. That’s football, it can happen. It is an accident. Tiny didn’t go in two-footed, he didn’t lunge and he didn’t dive in. Everyone knows what Tiny is like. He is such a nice bloke. He has not got a malicious bone in his body.”
We wish Mr Taylor a speedy recovery from his harsh red card. As they say in showbiz, break a leg…
Posted: 25th, February 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (7)
Paul Gascoigne’s Lover Tells Of Fruit, Sex With A Mop And Booster Seats
“I WATCHED GAZZA GO OUT OF HIS MIND.”
The Mirror’s front-page headline focuses on the life of Paul Gascoigne.
Jenny Wilkinson was not watching Gazza as he charged into Gary Charles in the 1991 FA Cup Final. Jenny Wilkinson was not with Gazza when he todl the popel of norway to “f*** off”, drove a London bus or spoke gibberish in countless media interviews.
Readers who have followed Gascoigne’s career may wonder if his was a mind to go out of, or if he was ever in a state of disarray?
But here is Jenny Wilkins. Gazza is in hospital and she is nursing him back to health by telling the Mirror about his “bizarre” behaviour: “He cried before and after sex, he became wired and unpredictable, then violent.”
This is Gazza who famously cried at a World Cup semi-final, and then cried some more in an advert for crisps. This is the Gascoigne who would mesmerise opposition footballers with his jinking runs. This is Gascoigne who smashed his wife in the face.
As sensations go, Jenny’s testimony is up there with “Jordan sleeps on her back”.
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Posted: 25th, February 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (11)
Paul Gascoigne Was No Genius
PAUL Gascoigne, Gascoigne, he’s dafter than you and me, he’s in a mental facility, Paul Gascoigne, Gascoigne:
Gascoigne was a very good footballer, at least the equal of Jackie Sinclair for a year or two, but it does not take “genius” to flick the ball over the head of a Scotland defender with the grace and mobility of a fridge-freezer. It takes a bit of skill and chutzpah, and that’s it. But Gazza, like all our top players, was indulged to a degree that must have led to a profound psychological imbalance. A simple soul – well, if we’re honest, a bit on the thick side – bombarded with intimations of his own invincibility, afforded the sort of adulation we might, in earlier times, have given a Nobel Prize-winner or a long-serving prime minister. And even in his decline, indulged again and again by TV companies who filmed his moronic pranks and embarrassing, incomprehensible interviews, by nonleague clubs who sought to exploit his name by pretending to him that he might be a good manager, a man who has not uttered a sentient thought in his entire life.
Burp!
Posted: 24th, February 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (6)
Cheryl Cole Watches Ashley Cole On Player Cam
CHERYL Cole and her Ashley are still making news.
Encouraging signs are, though, that Ashley has listened to Cheryl’s reported demands and will know of his whereabouts at all times.
The Star is leading with news that tomorrow afternoon Cheryl’s footballer will be in the Wembley region of north-west London.
For purposes of identification, Ashley will be wearing a blue top with matching blue shorts and blue socks, all in manmade fibres.
Should his friends be wearing the same, further evidence of Ashley’s whereabouts will be provided by the number ‘3’ on his back and the word “COLE”.
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Posted: 23rd, February 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Paul Gascoigne Is Dafter Than You Or Me
IT’S “BIG AND NATURAL WEEK” in the Daily Sport. And that means focusing on larger than life Geordie footballer Paul Gascoigne.
“WE’RE WITH YOU GAZZA,” says the Sport, unnervingly, as “a true hero” is sectioned under the terms of the Mental Health Act.
Gazza belies the efforts of Michelle and Kerri by sporting a pair of comedy plastic Jordans. But this is not his sole moment of madness as police are called to hotel in Gateshead.
The Star (“GAZZA PUT IN MENTAL UNIT”) says Gazza has been engaged in “bizarre behaviour” in a hotel suite he shares with three toy parrots “that squawked obscenities at fellow guests”.
To complete the tableau, the Star says Gazza is naked and setting off a fire alarm and, as is reported, trying to “throttle” a night porter.
In Gascoigne’s room is a plate of raw liver. He is, as the Sun reports, answering the door with the word “MAD” inked on his forehead.
Having failed to secure a hammock on a I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here!, and stuck down by injury and thus forced to watch David Seaman take the plaudits on Dancing On Ice, Gazza’s post—playing career has lacked the direction one would expect from an “ex-England ace”.
Gazza is now on “SUICIDE WATCH”, says the Sun’s front page. A source says he was “clearly under the influence of drugs” as he was taken to hospital in a police van.
“Gazza is locked up in metal hospital after wild rampage at hotel,” announces the Express.
The Mail’s Jeff Powell puts it all in some kind of perspective us when he says: “Gazza is no more a menace to society than the village simpleton, that lost soul whom mothers cross the street to avoid but who would hang himself rather than harm a child.”
Tender words form the Mail’s man at pictch side. You should not cross the road to avoid Paul Gascoigne, and he’d rather top himself than fiddle with your kids.
If the media can make him a victim of the credit crunch and solicit his views on Islam, larger tan life Gazza can achieve the prominent position that was once his by right…
Paul Gascoigne-Gascoigne is dafter than you and me
He’s in a secure facility
Paul Gascoigne-Gascoigne
Posted: 22nd, February 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (7)
Paul Gascoigne, Get Well
FORMER England footballer Paul Gascoigne has been detained under the Mental Health Act following an incident at a Tyneside hotel.
1990. He gave us hope…
Posted: 21st, February 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (5)
