Alisher Usmanov: Boris Johnson On Free Speech

ALISHER Usmanov is chucking his weight around. See here.

The Russian oligarch has bought into Arsenal football club.

The Times notes:

“With Mr Putin due to stand down as President in March, Mr Usmanov’s involvement with Arsenal may be an insurance policy against any unexpected downturn in relations with his successor as president.”

As you know. Boris Johnson’s blog is also down. Mr Johnson hit out at the closure of his website, calling it “a serious erosion of free speech”.

“This is London, not Uzbekistan,” says he.

“It is unbelievable that a website can be wiped out on the say-so of some tycoon.

“We live in a world where internet communication is increasingly vital, and this is a serious erosion of free speech.”

Pic: Matt Buck

Join the protest. The list so far. As with Justin, please add your blog to comments if you want to be included.

And then copy and paste the list to your blog.

Curious Hamster, Pickled Politics, Harry’s Place, Tim Worstall, Dizzy, Iain Dale, Ten Percent, Blairwatch, Davide Simonetti, Earthquake Cove, Turbulent Cleric (who suggests dropping a line to the FA about Mr Usmanov), Mike Power, Jailhouse Lawyer, Suesam, Devil’s Kitchen, The Cartoonist, Falco, Casualty Monitor, Forever Expat, Arseblog, Drink-soaked Trots (and another), Pitch Invasion, Wonko’s World, Roll A Monkey, Caroline Hunt, Westminster Wisdom, Chris K, Anorak, Mediawatchwatch, Norfolk Blogger, Chris Paul, Indymedia (with a list of Craig Murray’s articles that are currently unavailable), Obsolete, Tom Watson, Cynical Chatter, Reactionary Snob, Mr Eugenides, Matthew Sinclair, The Select Society, Liberal England, Davblog, Peter Gasston Pitch Perfect, Adelaide Green Porridge Cafe, Lunartalks, Tygerland, The Crossed Pond, Our Kingdom, Big Daddy Merk, Daily Mail Watch, Graeme’s, Random Thoughts, Nosemonkey, Matt Wardman, Politics in the Zeros, Love and Garbage, The Huntsman, Conservative Party Reptile, Ellee Seymour, Sabretache, Not A Sheep, Bartholomew’s Notes on Religion, The People’s Republic Of Newport, Life, the Universe & Everything, Arsenal Transfer Rumour Mill, The Green Ribbon, Blood & Treasure, The Last Ditch, Areopagitica, Football in Finland, An Englishman’s Castle, Freeborn John, Eursoc, The Back Four, Rebellion Suck!, Ministry of Truth, ModernityBlog, Beau Bo D’Or, Scots and Independent, The Splund, Bill Cameron, Podnosh, Dodgeblogium, Moving Target, Serious Golmal, Goonerholic, The Spine, Zero Point Nine, Lenin’s Tomb, The Durruti Column, The Bristol Blogger, ArseNews, David Lindsay, Quaequam Blog!, On A Quiet Day…, Kathz’s Blog, England Expects, Theo Spark, Duncan Borrowman, Senn’s Blog, Katykins, Jewcy, Kevin Maguire, Stumbling and Mumbling, Famous for 15 megapixels, Ordovicius, Tom Morris, AOL Fanhouse, Doctor Vee, The Curmudgeonly, The Poor Mouth, 1820, Hangbitch, Crooked Timber, ArseNole, Identity Unknown, Liberty Alone, Amused Cynicism, Clairwil, The Lone Voice, Tampon Teabag, Unoriginalname38, Special/Blown It, The Remittance Man, 18 Doughty Street, Laban Tall, Martin Bright, Spy Blog The Exile, poons, Jangliss, Who Knows Where Thoughts Come From?, Imagined Community, A Pint of Unionist Lite, Poldraw, Disillusioned And Bored, Error Gorilla, Indigo Jo, Swiss Metablog, Kate Garnwen Truemors, Asn14, D-Notice, The Judge, Political Penguin, Miserable Old Fart, Jottings, fridgemagnet, Blah Blah Flowers, J. Arthur MacNumpty, Tony Hatfield, Grendel, Charlie Whitaker, Matt Buck, The Waendel Journal, Marginalized Action Dinosaur, SoccerLens, Toblog, John Brissenden East Lower, Electronic Frontier Foundation, Peter Black AM, Boing Boing, BLTP, Gunnerblog, LFB UK, Liberal Revolution, Wombles, Focus on Sodbury…, Follow The Money, Freedom and Whisky, Melting Man, PoliticalHackUK, Simon Says…, Daily EM, From The Barrel of a Gun, The Fourth Place, The Armchair News Blog, Journalist und Optimist, Bristol Indymedia, Dave Weeden, Up North John, Gizmonaut, Spin and Spinners, Marginalia, Arnique, Heather Yaxley, The Whiskey Priest, On The Beat, Paul Canning, Martin Stabe, Mat Bowles, Pigdogfucker, Rachel North, noodle , kerching (195).

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, September 2007 | In: Back pages, Politicians | Comments (2)

Jose Mourinho Gets His Coat And Pulls At Chelsea

JOSE Mourinho is gone. Had his Chelsea team played in his image rather than at his direction they would have been terrific.

For large parts of Mourinho’s reign, Chelsea resembled an expensive gown worn beneath a Matalan coat.

Under 25,000 turned up to watch Jose’s boys play in the Champions League mid-week; many fans preferred to stay at home and watch reruns of the trains leaving and arriving at Newbury station on UKTV Gold.

And Mourinho’s image is important. This is the man who can be seen on the Mail’s front page cradling his son. The boy’s name? Yes, you guessed it: Jose Junior. And what odds Mourinho marrying a woman called Matilde and calling their daughter – here it comes – Matilde?

This is the man of whom Karen Brady, Birmingham City’s managing director, says: “Mourinho was sexiest boss in Premier League.”

Of whom Denise Van Outen says in the Sun: “I’m gutted about Jose, I always fancied him. He’s really sexy.”

Of whom the Independent’s football expert Jessica Callan writes: “Mourinho The Sex Symbol.”

Of whom the Mail’s Rosie Millard writes in “MY CRUSH OF THE DAY” that her dog is named after him. She thinks this is a big deal. This is nothing – Jose named his own son after him. Top that.

Millard tells us: “As with Princess Diana, it is impossible to take a bad picture of Mourinho.”

Can the same be said of Sir Alex Ferguson? Arsene Wenger? It is clear to Millard, who epitomises the new Chelsea fan base, who is the better manager.

What Millard does not say is if she went to see Chelsea play an actual game of football. Was she there earlier in the week?

Readers do, however, learn that her son adores Jose. Her son is seven. He has only ever seen Chelsea win. Now Jose has gone he and a million other impressionable boys in replica kits can follow their hero’s new team.

Or go back to supporting Arsenal and Manchester United.

All together now: “Avram Grant’s blue-and-white army . . .”

Sit, Avram. Sit!

Anorak

Posted: 21st, September 2007 | In: Back pages | Comment (1)

Bloggerheads, Craig Murray, Bob Piper And Boris Johnson Downed By Alisher Usmanov

AS Tim Ireland tells me, his Bloggerheads site, and sites operated by Craig Murray, Bob Piper and Boris Johnson have been downed by Alisher Usmanov. Tim suggests the Arsenal fans might like to take the matter up in song.

Who’s Usmanov?

As the Guardian writes:

Arsenal’s newest shareholder, the Uzbek minerals billionaire Alisher Usmanov, continues to police discussion of his past and of his intentions for the Gunners after paying £75m for David Dein’s 14.58% share in the club.

Schillings, the lawyers acting for Usmanov, have been in touch with several independent Arsenal supporters’ websites and blogs warning them to remove postings referring to allegations made against him by Craig Murray, the former British ambassador to Uzbekistan.

And:

Usmanov was jailed under the old Soviet regime but says that he was a political prisoner who was then freed and granted a full pardon once Mikhail Gorbachev came to power as president. Schillings have warned the websites that repetition of Murray’s allegations were regarded as “false, indefensible and grossly defamatory”.

DavidT at Harry’s Place:

Bloggers cannot operate if they are bullied by rich plaintiffs. Defamation law in the United Kingdom is both farcical and unfair, and is in desperate need of fundamental reform. Errors on blogs can easily be remedied: particularly where they permit open commenting (a libel risk in itself) which allows postings to be criticised, facts corrected, and arguments opposed. I know what it is like to be at the receiving end of a well funded threat of defamation proceedings, and it is no fun at all. It is outrageous that the law of defamation should be used to break bloggers: like butterflies upon wheels.

Mr Eugenides writes:

And let’s be clear on this point; these blogs are down not because Usmanov has been libelled, but because he says he’s been libelled, and has a room full of paid monkeys sitting at typewriters firing off theatening letters to that effect.

I don’t give a shit about this character, or Arsenal FC (no offence to any Gooners out there); nor do I share all or even most of Tim Ireland or Craig Murray’s politics. But that’s far from the point. If you can be silenced for calling a businessman a crook, then you can be silenced for calling a politician a crook, too. Then it’s everyone’s problem.

This one will run and run. No need to watch this space; there’ll be plenty of other bloggers stepping up on this one. Oh, and Arsenal fans; if you’re not convinced yet, think what this guy is going to do to your web discussions.

Dave Warner notes:

It appears Schillings has fallen victim to something our pals at Techdirt like to call “The Streisand Effect.” Back in 2003, Barbra Streisand sued a photographer in an attempt to remove an aerial photo of her California home from the Internet, despite the fact that the photo was part of a publicly funded coastline erosion study and wasn’t even labeled as her home. As a result, photos of her house were published all over the web within days.

[…] for all their claims that Murray is libeling their client, Schillings has not actually sued Murray for libel. They have told anyone who will listen that Murray’s book, Murder at Samarkand, is defamatory against Usmanov, but it’s been out for more than a year, and they have never taken any legal action against Murray. Instead, they seem more focused on getting any mention of Murray and his allegations against Usmanov removed from the web — and as the Streisand Effect teaches us, that’s pretty much impossible.

If Murray’s goal was to make Usmanov look like a thug, then mission accomplished.

Schillings has a page on its website entitled: The internet attacker.

It states:

The Issues

Our client was the founder and CEO of a financial services company. An anonymous source created a website which accused our client of assault, various financial crimes and unethical behaviour. We suspected that the source was a disgruntled former business partner, based both in the USA and the UK, but we could not initially prove this.

The Solution

The internet is not lawless. All the laws that apply to traditional publications apply, plus new regulations have been created. In this instance we:
# applied to Court for a “Spartacus” order requiring the source to identify himself or his ISP and webhost to identify him; and
# contacted the host, ISP and various search engines advising them that even though the allegations had physically been posted in the US they were defamatory under UK law as they could be accessed here
# search engines and ISPs removed the material.

Once the source was outed and starved of the oxygen of publicity, he quickly settled to avoid a defamation claim.

Tim Worstall writes:

The internet attacker

The Issues

Our client was the founder and CEO of a Russian metals company. An Ambassador created a website which accused our client of assault, various financial crimes and unethical behaviour, including heroin trading and rape. We suspected that the source was disgruntled and while he had published such allegations in a freely available book we advised our client not to sue for defamation.

The Solution

The internet is not lawless. All the laws that apply to traditional publications apply, plus new regulations have been created. In this instance we:

# applied to Court for a “Spartacus” order requiring the source to identify himself or his ISP and webhost to identify him; and
# contacted the host, ISP and various search engines advising them that the allegations were defamatory under UK law, although no one had ever tried anything in court.
# search engines and ISPs removed the material.

Once the source was closed down we could invoice our client in the knowledge of a job well done. The reputation of Gospodin Usmanov is, due to our prompt and careful attention, still spotless.

Laudatory comments upon our actions can be seen across the internet. If your reputation is at stake from some chavvy little blogger, no doubt any of the following would be delighted to provide you with references as to the effectiveness of our services.

Anorak

Posted: 20th, September 2007 | In: Back pages, Politicians | Comments (30)

Wags In The OED And Amii Grove On Jermaine Pennant’s Duty

NEWS in the Star that ‘Wag’ has made it into the Oxford English Dictionary.

The OED aims to be descriptive, not prescriptive, and strives to remove the authors own prejudices from its tome.

Anorak readers will recall how Dr Johnson offered: “Excise: a hateful tax levied upon commodities” and “Oats: a grain, which in England is generally given to horses, but in Scotland appears to support the people.”

You may also recall the Anorak Lexicon (which will return again soon) marking mention of words such as Bovey (orangey stain), the Kilroy-Silk (ditto) and the Bext (a text message to one’s PA.)

Of course to describe a Wag is to see a Wag and for education purposes the Sun focuses on Amii Grove.

Amii has the prescribed superfluous vowels in her name. She also has assisted blonde hair, a tight sweater and the epithet “Page 3 stunner”.

Amii’s footballer is/was Jermaine Pennant, the diminutive Liverpool winger. He lives in a mansion. It has CCTV. And Amii is shocked at what she is looking at.

“Sure enough,” says she, “the tape showed a pretty brunette walking into our bedroom with Jermaine. I could see the moment they turned the light off – and burst into tears.”

The OED will applaud the Sun’s syntax. A lack of that dash and readers may suppose Jermaine and his lover turned off the lights and began to sob. But with the gift of grammar we can see that it was Amii doing the crying.

And she has suffered for her love.

“He spends up to six hours a night playing Call of Duty 3,” says she. We have no idea what she is talking about, but are buoyed to learn that in this foul-mouthed age, Amii can not bring herself to say the word toilet in public and resorts to euphemism instead.

“He would sit down at 9pm and lay out crisps and fizzy drinks in a circle around him so he wouldn’t have to move for the next six hours,” says Amii. “He would stay up till 3am even before matches, wearing a head-set so he could talk to friends about who he was going to kill next.”

Insightful, indeed. And good news as Amii introduces her man to Scrabble. She tells us he became an “addict”.

And now that “Wag” is an official word, the footballer can get some more points…

Anorak

Posted: 20th, September 2007 | In: Back pages | Comment (1)

Daily Express Exclusive: Jose Mourinho Remains Chelsea Manager

JOSE Mourinho. He came. He bored. He wore a Matalan coat. He left by text message. The Chelsea manager is no more.

“Mourinho says farewell to Chelsea, with recriminations,” says the Guardian’s front page.

“Exit Mourinho,” says the Indy on its cover.

“JHOSE: I QUIT,” announces the Mirror’s front page. “JOSE: I QUIT,” announces the Mirror’s back page.

“Goodbye Mourinho,” says the Times on its cover. “Mourinho walks out on Chelsea and Abramovich,” says the Telegraph on Page 1.

The Sun leads with the news “JOSE ‘OUT’.” And: “He texts goodbye to players.”

And the Express? To its readers Jose Mourinho remains manager of Chelsea.

The paper reports that Jose has been given permission to bring out his own brand of toilet paper.

“Chelsea manager” Mourinho has successfully applied to trademark his name for a wide range of goods.

The Express looks at the Morinho bottle, flags and teddy bear. Others look at the Mourinho sack, boot and pillow…

Anorak

Posted: 20th, September 2007 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment

England Rugby Players And Wags Hit The Nazi Lager In Paris

“NOT since the Nazis occupied France and made the hotel one of their key Paris bases will the opulent and historic Trianon Palace, current home of the England rugby team, have seen so many WAGs.”

So says the Mail which gives an entire new angle on the England Rugby XV hitting the lagers in readiness for defence of their Rugby World Cup.

The reports continues: “But the wives and girlfriends of Phil Vickery and his merry men represent an altogether more welcome invading force than officers of the Wehrmacht and Gestapo.”

This all depends on perspective, of course. The hotel’s website offers the section Personal Guest Experiences which is unforgivably devoid of tributes from Nazi Wags and their players.

It cannot be ruled out that when leaving the hotel, along with the silver, the curtains and the wine the Nazis seized the guestbook. In a loft in deepest Bavaria there is surely the ledger containing such bon mots as “Wicked Time”, “Mental” and “By the time you read this I shall be Argentina”.

But the hotel that staged the signing of the Treaty of Trianon 1920, an agreement following World War I in which the Allies disposed of Hungarian territories, now pays host to Lawrence Dallaglio’s wife Alice, Jason Robinson’s wife Amanda (a keen caravaner) and Jonny Wilkinson’s girlfriend Shelly Jenkins.

In a thread between then and now, the featured Wags (billed as “Scrummies in the Telegraph) are all blonde.

Plus ca change, as they say in the better suites.

Hitler, Nazis and rugby [insert joke about funny-shaped balls here].

Anorak

Posted: 6th, September 2007 | In: Back pages | Comment (1)

England’s Bentley Continental: West Ham’s Alan Curbishley’s Local Heroes

ALAN Curbishley is writing in the Express.

He begins with a question: “To start with, a quiz question: who do you suppose is the biggest seller in the club shop at West Ham?”

Curbishley is referring to shirt sales, the barometer of a player’s success. Bobby Moore, say we. Or what about Martin Peters and Geoff Hurst who played a key role in England’s World Cup success? Or how about Argentinean Carolos Tevez who kept West Ham in the top flight or Italy’s Paulo DiCanio?

The answer is Mark Noble.

Curbishley says this is not because Noble has only five letters in his surname and at £1 a letter there are big savings to be had when weighted against his team-mates Matthew Etherington, Calum Davenport and Fredrik Ljungberg.

We imagine that had Kieron Dyer not broken his leg he’d be pressing Noble for the coveted No.1 shirt spot.

But Curbishley has another idea. Says he: “But Mark is local and that’s why he appeals to the supporters so much.”

Curbishley does not provide figures for Noble shirt sales, which may number in single digits. He has a point to make and statistics even in this pro-zone era must not infringe on the manager’s theory.

He goes on: “Now, as England face two Euro 2008 qualifiers in the next nine days that are crucial to the future of our game, a vital player for Steve McClaren could be David Bentley.”

Curbishley’s point being that Bentley is English and therefore local to the England team. The article is entitled “Bentley could be our Rolls-Royce”. You know, the company owned by True British Volkswagen, although BMW hold the rights to the name and the marque.

Is Bentley more local than Frank Lampard, Emile Heskey and Michael Owen? Curbs doesn’t say. Perhaps he wants all England players to be born near Wembley Stadium, preference given to proximately to headquarters?

The message is that local is important. Curbishley remind us: “We at West Ham are doing our bit with eight Englishman in the team on Saturday.”

All very, well, Noble. Since becoming manager of West Ham (a club owned by an Icelander), Curbishley has brought in Henri Camara (Senegal), Nolberto Solano (Peru), Craig Bellamy (Wales), Kieron Dyer (England), Scott Parker (England), Julien Faubert (France), Richard Wright (England), Freddie Ljungberg (Sweden).

Says Curbishley: “Perhaps you were as shocked as I was when it was revealed that only 40 percent of all players who started in the Premier League on the opening day were English.”

Curbishley has every right to be shocked. Of the eight players he has brought to West Ham this season, three are English, giving Curbishley an England-foreigner reckoning of 37.5 per cent.

He is doing his bit to address this peculiarity…

Anorak

Posted: 5th, September 2007 | In: Back pages | Comment

Chelsea’s Roman Abramovich Does Not See The Light

THEY say he sleeps upside down with his head in pot of molten gold.

They say his London home is powered by 2,000 eunuchs chewing on white tigers’ testicles.

They say Roman Abramovich did enter the Andrew Martin shop in Walton Street, South Kensington and try to buy a lamp.

He offered his polonium credit card. And it was declined. A witness, says the Times, saw all. They say Abramovich was “very polite about it”.

They say rivers started to run backwards and Britain’s richest man did walk on his hands in circles.

So they say…

Anorak

Posted: 4th, September 2007 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets, Money | Comment (1)

Arctic Monkeys Take Piss Out Of England XI And McClaren’s Marvels

“BET YOU LOT PEED ON DANCE FLOOR!” shrieks the Sun, whose equally bizarre subheading reads: “Arctic fans flood cricket pitch.”

The paper reports the England’s cricketers were “knocked for six” by the smell of their pitch yesterday after 100,000 arctic Monkeys fans had “used it as a giant LOO”.

The Monkeys’ Old Trafford concerts had left the outfield flooded with urine, and “England stars like Kevin Pietersen and Monty Panesar were puzzled by the whiff as they slid about on the grass during England’s thrilling three-wicket victory over India yesterday”.

Presumably England stars who are unlike Pietersen and Panesar were perfectly at home ankle-deep in old piss.

The story is a neat reversal of the usual relationship between England matches and stadium concerts.

Usually it is the music fans at who turn up their noses at the unmistakably pungent aroma that lingers on the pitch long after the latest performance by McClaren’s Marvels.

Anorak

Posted: 31st, August 2007 | In: Back pages | Comments (2)

Net Losses: Football Burns More Calories Than Sex

“GOIN’ DOWN!” cries the Star. “Watching footie burns more cals than sex.”

Strange but true, if a new study is to be believed.

It reckons that watching a match burns as many calories as 180 minutes of sex or 40 minutes of running.

Old Mr Anorak watches no football, but always has 180 minutes of sex on a Saturday afternoon, and he’s as fit as a fiddle, despite a drug habit that makes Keith Richards look like Delia Smith. (Actually, come to think of it…)

Anyway, the point is that to achieve this kind of calorie-burning, you have to be pretty active.

The survey reckons that the “jumping, dancing, yelling and air punching that goes into celebrating a goal burns off 81.5 calories, while even stamping, moaning and shouting at the ref involved in conceding one takes 61 calories.”

All good advice, but health-conscious Arsenal fans should take this with a pinch of salt (though not more than the recommended daily allowance).

As we all know, noisy and energetic behaviour is not the done thing inside the Emirates.

To burn off the required calories one should follow the example of medical experts and hit at least one steward (200 cals) and abuse two or more police officers (300-400 depending on length and volume).

But skip the two pints of beer if you are serious about losing weight.

Anorak

Posted: 30th, August 2007 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Debunking 9/11 With Robert Fisk’s Popular Mechanics

THE 9/11 Arab-based truthers are like the Holocasut deniers: it never happened but wouldn’t it be great if it had have. Not that it did. But great though if it did.

Dizzy looks:

I forgot to mention that on Saturday I read the single most hilarious Robert Fisk article ever. The piece was titled “Even I question the ‘truth’ about 9/11” in which Fisk hilariously asserts,

Let me repeat. I am not a conspiracy theorist. Spare me the ravers. Spare me the plots. But like everyone else, I would like to know the full story of 9/11, not least because it was the trigger for the whole lunatic, meretricious “war on terror” which has led us to disaster in Iraq and Afghanistan and in much of the Middle East. Bush’s happily departed adviser Karl Rove once said that “we’re an empire now – we create our own reality”. True? At least tell us.

“I’m not a conspiracy theorist but….”. Seriously, read the whole thing, it really is hilarious. He talks about all the conspiracy theories but frames them as “serious questions”. What I find a strange is that a journalist who acts like he’s well informed has not read Popular Mechanics or purchased their publication (cover pictured) which comprehensively rips apart every single one of the mentalists’ theories about the supposed “questions” around 9/11.

I mean, I’m not a fan of the Independent’s angle on the news generally. But what on earth is Simon Kelner and the Comment Editor playing at letting their paper be used to promote idiotic conspiracy theories that don’t stand up to scrutiny? I mean, it didn’t like being attacked by Blair as a “viewspaper”, but on Saturday it published an article that made it something else entirely.

Anorak

Posted: 27th, August 2007 | In: Back pages | Comments (12)

What We Gonna Do? Life On Mars Behind Playground Bullying

AS the nation struggles to understand the violence of today’s youth culture, The Times offers a couple of pointers. (Pic: The Spine)

“GCSE writing contains ‘sickening violence’,” it declares. This refers to complaints by examiners that pupils taking English are writing increasingly violent prose when given titles like… er, “The Assassin”.

OK, so maybe that’s not a very good example. But surely no one could argue with the claim that gay-bashing is caused by the BBC time-travel drama Life on Mars.

Teachers unions have apparently claimed that the homophobic language of old-school seventies detective Gene Hunt was “harmful”, and that “Hunt’s use of ‘bender’ and ‘poof’ could be responsible for playground bullying”.

All very embarrassing for BBC chairman Sir Michael Lyons, who praised the show and said it contained “some of the best one-liners I could hope for”.

The paper helpfully lists a few of Hunt’s bon mots, but sadly there’s no room to repeat them here.

We want to see them, you understandably wail.

Yes, indeed. But as DCI Hunt would say, “I want to hump Britt Ekland. What are we gonna do?”

Anorak

Posted: 27th, August 2007 | In: Back pages | Comments (2)

Amy Winehouse Circumcises Her Demons

AMY Winehouse has been on the “slash” (Star). Winehouse is in London’s Sanderson Hotel, which may or may not be a form of rehab.

The Mirror says her arm is covered in bandages. There is blood seeping from a large gash on her knee. Her shoes are blood-stained. Her mascara has run down her face.

To her side is her husband Blake. His face is scratched. The Mirror says the lines appear to form the letter ‘A’ on her cheeks.

The paper hears that earlier the night, Blake had been ruining down Regents Street (his job is given as a “video runner”) asking random people if they had seen his wife.

They have. She’s been all over the papers on account of her drugs and her drink and her rehab. Now she’s all over the papers on account of her blood and her non-waterproof mascara.

If they haven’t, perhaps Blake could take their numbers and email addresses and put them on the Winehouse mailing list.

The Suns says Winehouse is “blood-soaked and battered”. Her wounds are the result of a “brawl”. The Mail says Winehouse has had a “fight with her husband”.

But the Mirror looks deeper. It hears “friends of Blake” says he is “obsessed” with self-mutilation. He hosts “’self-harming parties’ where he shares drugs with fellow partygoers before they cut parts of their bodies”.

Winehouse may well nod. A sip of wine always stiffens the resolve before a circumcision – before something or someone is cut off…

Anorak

Posted: 24th, August 2007 | In: Back pages | Comments (7)

Calling Rob Styles: Chelsea Fan Accused Of Murdering Liverpool Supporter

ROB Styles has much to answer for.

Football arouses deep passions. And, as the Mirror reports, when referee Styles wrongly awarded a penalty in Liverpool’s home game against Chelsea he caused upset.

It is alleged that Chelsea supporter Mark Anderson and Liverpool fan William McClatchey became embroiled in a heated debate.

Was it a penalty? One thing is said to have turned to another and Anderson is due to appear in court charged with killing McClatchey and dumping his hacked-to-pieces body in two wheelie bins.

Rob Styles is suspended from duties…

Points For Styles: Chelsea Dives And Abramovich Drives

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, August 2007 | In: Back pages | Comment

Points For Styles: Chelsea Dives And Abramovich Drives

DARK deeds suspected in the world of Premier League football as the Sun’s front page zooms in on Chelsea FC owner Roman Abramovich’s driveway.

We look at the asphalt. Our eyes search for bumps and lumps. Is this a clue to what happened to the old Chelsea die hard, less turned on to the delights of black footballers, corporate dining and victory than buried in his butcher’s coat?

Inside and readers are introduced to Rob Styles, a Premier League referee.

It was Styles’ lot to officiate at last weekend’s match between Liverpool FC and Abramovich’s Chelsea.

Liverpool are winning by one goal to nil. And then controversy as Chelsea’s new boy Florent Malouda shows that Chelsea’s decision to train 20,000 leagues under the sea was a wise one. He holds his nose and takes the plunge. The crowd hold theirs. Styles looks. Greg Louganis rises to his feet. Angst. Hope. Penalty!

1-1.

Says Styles one day later: “In mistakenly awarding a penalty, I accept that I may have affected the result of the match and for that I apologise.”

And now we learn that Styles, a surveyor by trade (and he should check Malouda for signs of rising damp and rot) operates a company hired by Abramovich to lay that aforesaid drive.

A spokesman for the Professional Game Match Officials tells us: “The PGMO investigated this at the time and was entirely satisfied that no conflict of interest existed.”

Mr Styles is available for all manner of contracting work…

Anorak

Posted: 21st, August 2007 | In: Back pages | Comments (7)

Casey Batchelor’s Boy: Chelsea Captain John Terry’s No Kiss ‘N’ Tell

IN “A Casey of Blues for John”, the Star on Sunday shines a neon light on Casey Batchelor, “one striker England captain John Terry FAILED to get his hands on.”

Readers learn that “Terry tackled the busty beauty when they locked eyes in London celebrity haunt Embassy.”

It was studs up as Terry checks Casey out. Casey, 22 tells us: “I could see him staring at me from across the club.

“He looked like a handsome guy but I just wasn’t interested.

“Then he walked over and started to try and make conversation.

“I made some attempts to chat back but he quickly got the message. He admitted defeat and wandered off.

“That’s when the friend I was with said, ‘Don’t you know who that is? That’s John Terry, one of Britain’s biggest footballers’.

“I had no idea and I still didn’t care who he was.

“But he must have been stunned that a girl had knocked him back. I later saw loads of girls around him trying to get him to notice them.”

Casey does not care. And she is happy to tell the Star how little she cares and that she did not succumb to Terry’s tackle.

And her testimony makes us wonder if a kiss ‘n’ tell is a kiss ‘n’ tell if there is no kissing and only telling? Does flirting constitute a kiss? And what does it mean for men who go to lapdancing clubs and the dancers?

Anorak

Posted: 19th, August 2007 | In: Back pages | Comment

Roy Keane Turns On The Wag Trade

“KEANE turns fire on the WAGs,” says the Times.

Roy Keane, gum-chewing manager of Sunderland FC, former volcanic captain of Manchester United and World Cup dog walker, has issued a “withering attack” (“scathing attack” in the Mail) on the WAG culture.

Says Roy of the Rant and Ravers: “Priorities have changed for footballers and they are being dictated to by their wives and girlfriends.”

Being a footballer’s wife/lover/teenage temptress is, as one commentator put it, no “merry go-round of hermaphrodite babies and having your breasts set on fire that the (now defunct) TV series might have led you to believe”.

It’s all about positioning yourself for the best spray tan and shopping. What Matt Busby did for Manchester United, ITV’S WAGS Boutique did for London clubs, ensuring that WAGS would prefer to go shopping in the capital than in Wigan, Middlesbrough or Keane’s Sunderland.

Says Keane: “I find it surprising that geography seems to play such a big part, or that players let their wives decide. I think it’s weak.”

Keane names no names. And as Nikki reads of Beckham in Los Angeles and wonders what her man would be worth in that glitzy inflated market if he actually kicked a ball, Roy raves.

“Retire at 35 or 36, if you can live where you bloody well like – London, Monaco, wherever – any half-decent footballer will be a multi-millionaire anyway.” Or any Leeds United player, for that matter.

“Why is there such a big attraction with London? It would be different if it was Chelsea, Arsenal or maybe Tottenham, but they go a smaller club just because it’s in London, then it’s clearly because of the shops,” says Roy.

London United 

It might be because of the museums, the culture and the bigger clubs like The Embassy and Chinawhite, where Mrs Kickaball can rub orangey shoulders with any number of glamour model’s, soap starlets and paparazzo.

But London is not all. The Times says the North East has a “plethora of designer shops, and some of Britain’s most spectacular coastline”. Are you listening Armani?

The writer looks at wild-eyed Roy and goes on: “While Durham – Keane, Theresa, his wife, and their family live close by – boasts a centre of learning and architectural beauty”.

That alright, Roy? Is it o-okay?

Still listening, Armani. Your footballer can play for Sunderland. You can wear your designer frocks as your clamber over the rocks and visit Monkwearmouth Station Museum, Penshaw Monument and catch the Glenn Miller Orchestra at the Sunderland Empire.

Glory days…

Anorak

Posted: 15th, August 2007 | In: Back pages | Comments (5)

Premier League Drugs: Scoring At Arsenal, Manchester United, Liverpool And Chelsea

THE Premier League season kicks off this weekend. At last. It’s been almost an entire fortnight since the last season finished.

Reports are that some Manchester United supporters have yet to make it home from the Cup Final, what with delays on the Tube.

But here come the new season to excite, exhilarate and amazzzzze…

But be warned, gentle football fan. As the Express reports: “Exposed: The cocaine culture at the heart of British football.”

A ball has not been kicked and already the whiff of scandal is getting up the nose of the national game.

Sure Tour de France cyclists cheat, forgetting that the blood they supply for testing has to be their own, and athletes run on fuel injections, but it is football that leads the way in scandal.

And here is the tale of drugs. The Express says Class A drugs are “routinely taken during games at ‘family friendly’ stadiums”.

The Express has found traces of white powder in the toilets at football grounds. Traces of drugs have been found at Old Trafford and Arsenal’s Emirates Stadium.

The Express says this inquiry is “bound to worry parents”. Indeed, having lashed out for new kits and official boots for junior, the young impressionable football fan will be wanting an official Arsenal cocaine straw and a Theatre of Dreams mirror.

But reading on we get the news that it is not the players who are abusing substances but the fans.

John Williams, director of the University of Leicester’s Sir Norman Chester Centre for Football Research, says: “Some fans drink to add to the feeling of excitement. But a lot of people use other types of drugs for the same reasons.”

While we can speculate on what drugs would suit which team – Spurs (tin pot), Arsenal (jellies), Bolton (party poppers) and Blackburn (GHB) – the Express highlights the issue.

And makes us wonder how long it will be before the paper unearths a sex scandal among fans and sheds light on a the supporters who take drugs to dull the pain of watching West Ham take on Middlesbrough on a damp Tuesday night.

And paying £40 for the privilege…

Anorak

Posted: 10th, August 2007 | In: Back pages | Comments (2)

Baseball Fan Matt Murphy To Make $1Million From Barry Bonds

WHAT an amazing career Barry Bonds has had. Barry who, you ask? Barry Bonds – y’know, the San Francisco Giants baseball legend who went into the record books when he hit his 756th home run on Tuesday.

Britons marked this great American sporting moment just as they do when the Superbowl is on, by watching Coronation Street and mowing the lawn.

Over there, this is huge news. It’s bigger than Beckham.

And while Bonds became the first player to hit more than 755 home runs, the fan who caught the ball, 22-year-old Mets fan Matt Murphy, should end up with a small fortune in his hands.

New York-born Murphy was visiting San Francisco en route to Australia when he decided, at the last minute, to attend the game between the Giants and the Washington Nationals.

Bonds hit the ball. And after a massive scrum, which left Murphy bruised and bloodied, he emerged with the record-breaking ball. And according to memorabilia experts, Murphy could make up to $1million by auctioning it off.

However, with rumours persisting about Bonds’ alleged use of banned drugs to boost his performance, items belonging to the star have previously gone for below the expected price.

Wonder what price the ball with which David Beckham scores his first goal in the MLS will go for?

Or for the ball Becks struck from the penalty spot in Euro 2008. Catch it if you dare…

Anorak

Posted: 9th, August 2007 | In: Back pages | Comments (5)

Manchester United Watch David Beckham’s Boy

“RACE to sign Becks’ lad Brooklyn.”

So says the Star. And there is Brooklyn Beckham playing football. “Premeirship scouts are scrambling to sign-up soccer wonderkid Brooklyn Beckham,” says the paper.

“His head is up,” says the Star, “which will help with his balance.” And his poses to camera.

The Star says Manchester United, Arsenal and Spurs are watching Brooklyn’s every move. The rest of us are watching his mom.

And with Pop Beckham warming the bench in Los Angeles, we say get Brooklyn on the pitch before the fans grow restless.

Any Beckham will do…

Pic: 14

Experience Day-vid’s career in LA so far here…

Anorak

Posted: 8th, August 2007 | In: Back pages | Comment

Mr Malik: Another Bob Woolmer Correction

Mr Malik contacted the police on his return to the UK and was not required for interview in the matter of the death of Bob Woolmer. We are happy to confirm that Mr Malik was not named or sought by the police as a suspect in the investigation into the death of Bob Woolmer.

Notes the Mirror:  “Jamaican police were interviewing cricket fans who had been seen in the hotel where the Pakistan team were staying in order to assist them with their enquiries. Mr Malik is a cricket supporter but was not helping the Pakistan cricket team.

“Mr Malik contacted the police on his return to the UK and was not required for interview. We are happy to confirm that Mr Malik was not named or sought by the police as a suspect in the investigation into the death of Bob Woolmer.”

Anorak

Posted: 6th, August 2007 | In: Back pages | Comment (1)

Women’s Open Golf: Sophie Sandalo Is Less R&A Than T&A

WONDER what Graham Brown, a member of golf’s Royal & Ancient rules committee, makes of the British Women’s Open at St Andrews?

Brown’s speech at the Association of Golf Writers’ annual dinner in the R&A tent at Carnoustie featured jokes about “Nips” and “all Japanese looking the same”, a tale of a black taxi driver delivered in a Deep South accent and a story about two disabled golfers.

He did never mention women. Although his speech did follow a toast proposed by the former BBC golf correspondent Tony Adamson which included a joke about a player punching his wife in the mouth.

These insights into life in the golf club was followed by a few words from Martin Kippax, the chairman of the R&A’s championship committee who added: “Graham Brown is a very good golfer; he’s a very knowledgeable individual with regards to the rules of golf.”

So that’s all right then. If only Saddam Hussein had had a decent swing and Hitler played off four.

And now the Women’s Open is getting underway. But the Mail says these doyennes of the greens are not dressed in Comfi-Slax, sensible shoes and Y-fronts. Not all of them.

The Mail has looked over the agonists’ calendars. (What else do you do in August when they are offered at a discount?)

Writes Sophie Sandalo: “My first sexy calendar is intended to represent my love for golf, my desire for freedom and a touch of coquetry, and I am instinctively attracted by fashion, elegance and glamour.”

Ms Sandalo is teeing off in black stockings, matching basque and a pair of black wings. Her shoes are heeled and liable to pit the greens.

She will be taking on Natalie Gulbis. She is clad in a white bikini. She is blonde and plays off sand on a sun-kissed beach.

This is what female golfers look like. This is the new stereotype. Less G & T than T & A…

Game on…

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, August 2007 | In: Back pages | Comments (3)

Manchester United’s Rio Ferdinand’s Moment Of Clarity

MANCHESTER United’s over-rated “ball-playing” centre-half Rio Ferdinand is apparently having a crisis of conscience.

The 28-year-old defender has admitted that he’s not worth the massive £29million price tag United were forced to cough up to take him from Leeds United.

“I don’t think anyone is worth that kind of money”, he says.

But will he start handing back a sizeable chunk of his £100,000 a week wage? One imagines not.

Anorak

Posted: 1st, August 2007 | In: Back pages | Comments (5)

Bench It Like Beckham: LA Galaxy Career in Pictures

DAVID Beckham is in Los Angeles. Some news to those of you wondering what he and his family are up to.

They are, all told, doing alright over there.

David hasn’t been playing much football but he and his wife have been to parties and worn all sorts of clothes. Encouraging stuff.

But what of the new fans -the Beckhamites- the heathen whom David will turn to the beautiful game? Here they are…

He exfoliates..!

He bronzes..!

He waxes..!

Anorak

Posted: 1st, August 2007 | In: Back pages | Comments (5)

Couching Desire: Oprah Winfrey ‘In Love’ With Barack Obama

“OPRAH Winfrey has fallen in love with married presidential hopeful Barack Obama.”

No small headline from the National Enquirer. Readers learn that Winfrey is “gaga” over Obama. She is “smitten”. She’s “behaving like a high schooler with a crush”.

“She’s energized again and glows at the mention of him – she’s acting like a love struck girl,” says an insider.

And into the anodyne world of US politics, where sex is less a thing to enjoy than explain and define, the country’s biggest TV star makes for the rising political tyro.

What a force they could be, he with his politics, she with her show. If they could work in a book club and a range of salad dressings what force could stop them?

And then we read of Michelle. She is Obama’s wife. Oprah has had her on her show. Michelle appeared with her husband, the two women with the man they both admire.

Says one voice: “She practically drooled while interviewing him, then plastered on a ‘fake’ smile when his wife came out.”

The Enquirer has a picture of this wife. She looks tall. She looks slim. But has she appeared in The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air? Does she share a couch with Dr Phil? Has she hosted the 2004 Nobel Peace Prize Concert with Tom Cruise, featuring musical performances by Cyndi Lauper and Tony Bennett?

“Tell us about your TV career, Michelle?”; “What about your nomination for an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress, Michelle?”; “Do you have your own magazine, Michelle?”

And Michelle just looks. And she looks thin.

A source notes: “Oprah has made a point of including her in their public meetings, but she has shown a few signs that she’d much rather not have Michelle around.”

 Purple Heart

But this is Oprah. And Oprah knows pain. As the Enquirer tells us, one of her golden retriever puppies, Gracie is no longer of this world.

“I hugged them all goodbye, leaving lipstick on Gracie’s furry white forehead, where she loved getting kisses,” says Oprah in her magazine.

Gracie found a small ball. It went in her mouth…

“I ran out of the house and found the dog walker and a security guard pumping her chest.” She was gone. “I stood there dazed, stunned, crying – and watched as they placed her in the back of a golf cart. Her still-warm body with the lipstick stain on her fur.”

Now do you see the woman, Barack? Now do you see the heart of a women, Barack? Now do you see the puppy in the back of the golf cart with a smear of lipstick on its forehead, barrack.”

Or do you only see slim thighs? Slim hips? Slim arms? And a First Lady with raw ambition in a halter neck dress..?

Anorak

Posted: 1st, August 2007 | In: Back pages | Comments (7)