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Chelsea will sign Italy captain Fabio Cannavaro final (Mail)

Newcastle are to offer £7m for Werder Bremen and Germany striker Miroslav Klose (Mirror)

Chelsea will offer £15m offer for Argentina forward Carlos Tevez (People)

Tottenham want Sweden’s Zlatan Ibrahimovic (Express)

Arsenal will sign Lilian Thuram (People)

Cristiano Ronaldo will remain at Manchester United (Mail)

Ruud van Nistelrooy will be sold to Real Madrid (Mail)

Bobby Zamora will leave West Ham (Various)

Middlesbrough have made a move for France’s Sidney Govou (NOTW)

Arjen Robben is not going to Real Madrid (NOTW)

Posted: 9th, July 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Round The Sven-d

“LATER he picked up a handful of pebbles…and began talking to them.”

“You,” he says, “are my defensive rock.” He then smacks his lips and with a self-satisfied smirk addresses the rest of the little stones in the manner of Steve McClaren.

In truth, we don’t know what Sven Goran Eriksson, for it is he, says to his pebbly pals as he wanders in the grounds of his £2milion lakeside retreat in Sweden. We only know what the News of the World tells us. We only know that “Sven’s Goran insane!”.

“Eriksson gibbering and raving after Cup flop,” says the headline. Above a montage of five pictures of Sven, the NOTW says: “OFF ME HEAD 2: YOU ALWAYS SUSPECTED IT, BUT NOW HERE’S THE HILARIOUS PROOF.”

We are then invited to laugh loud and heartily at Sven’s anguish. Speech bubbles have Sven saying: “They hate me in England…thank God I’ve still got you, my invisible friend”; “Where’s that little pixie I put up front?”; “98, 99, 100…coming ready or not, Napoleon.”

While Sven talks to himself, and his strike partner Nancy Dell’Olio tells a pal that since England’s failure to win the World Cup “I’ve cried every single day”, we turn to the Mail’s back page and read a little about Portugal’s Ronaldo.

The pantomime villain whose wink cost England World Cup glory is going nowhere. No, he’s not been rendered immobile by a meeting with Wayne Rooney down a dark alley in Liverpool; he’s just staying at Manchester United.

This is great news for British football. Not only is Ronaldo a terrific player, but he gives everyone who does not support Manchester United (and some that do) a fresh reason to dislike the Red Devils.

Perhaps if we all can boo and hiss and threaten to split him in two enough times, we’ll turn his wink into a nervous tick. You wanna wink, Ronaldo, we’ll make you wink so much you don’t know how to stop.

Why, we’ll make you as mad Sven, or as mentally troubled as Sol Campbell. News is that the man who had some kind of mental crisis in the middle of an Arsenal match against West Ham last season has quit the Gunners. And he has become “obsessed with the pursuit of a Hollywood lifestyle”.

The News of the World says Sol was “bitten by the acting bug” when he appeared on the TV show Footballers’ Wives. So he’s signed up with a showbiz agent, the same one who represents Robert De Niro.

And we wish Sol well. But remind him that the show must always go on, and that walking out halfway through a performance to get your head straight is considered bad form.

And that’s it. Sure the Sunday Times has a few words to say about some foreign football match in Germany, but it matters not. In England, football is about money, fame and scandal.

Just get a load of those pictures of Peter Crouch’s girlfriend Abi Clancy snorting a lump of what is said to be cocaine. She’s a “coke-snorting love cheat,” says the NOTW.

It’s the kind of story that’s got the football world talking – and buzzing again…

Posted: 9th, July 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Off The Rack

Winners

Sir Clive Woodward, the former England rugby coach, says footballers should work on their penalty taking. He wants penalty shoot-outs at the end of every match.

Academics at the Cass Business School have come up with a formula to determine how well a nation should perform at a World Cup. Taking into account key factors – the number of internationals who play abroad, the number of men who play football regularly, climate and the number of years the nation have been a member of Fifa – England should be the fourth best team in the world. Scotland the 34th best, Wales 37th and Northern Ireland 48th. Brazil came in at 18th.

Losers

There’s no room on Fifa’s Golden Ball awards for England players. Fifa’s technical study group have selected the ten players from which the tournament’s most valuable player will be selected. The finalists are: Gianluigi Buffon, Fabio Cannavaro, Andrea Pirlo, Ginluca Zambrotta (all Italy), Thierry Henry, Patrick Vieira, Zinedine Zidane (France), Michael Ballack, Miroslav Klose (Germany) and Portugal’s Maniche.

A Manchester United fan has put Cristiano Ronaldo up for sale on eBay. The ad reads: "Cristiano Ronaldo cheating goofy England hating portugezer, requesting first class ticket out of England. Unfortunately not welcome within 120 miles of Manchester. Requires good accommodation with torture chamber and enjoys 23.5 hours a day on the rack. Will never be allowed access to the UK ever again so if purchased, a holiday to England is out of the question. If you are the unfortunate successful bidder your life will not be worth living…….we will find you!!!!"

Italy’s Alessandro Del Piero has told his friend Liam Gallagher, of pop band Oasis, to wear exactly the same clothes he was wearing for the semi-final win against Germany.

Posted: 8th, July 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Bronzed Off

Quotes Of The Day

“The thing must now be looked at after the match with a view to taking retrospective action. The trouble is a generation of players has grown up with Maradona’s Hand of God as an example” – Arsene Wenger wants divers punished

“The penalty was an error of mine. Yes, I touched Henry, but it was one of those incidents which the referee could’ve ignored and let play continue” – Ricardo Carvalho dreams on

"The decisive mistake for me was that the players didn’t shoot at the goal" – Franz Beckenbauer wonders why there were so few goals

"Any referee in the world would have given that red card to Rooney in that situation," – Luiz Felipe Scolari says Ronaldo is not to blame for Rooney’s red card

On our side of the fence, this game represents suffering, rather than a match you are happy to take part in" – Scolari is less than excited about the third-place play-off

Puns Of The Day

“Swotty Motty’s a record breaker” (Mirror) – BBC’s John Motson to be become first British broadcaster to commentate of six finals

“Sven sent Rooney loony” (Sun) – Michael Owen says Rooney should never have been playing as a lone striker

“Thierry is facing his final reckoning” (Mail) – Thierry Henry is in another final

Posted: 8th, July 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Ruud Boys

Newcastle want to sign Manchester United’s Ruud Van Nistelrooy (Mail)

Bayern Munich also want Van Nistelrooy (Times)

Manchester United will bid for Spain’s Fernando Torres (Times)

Arsenal want to buy Kolo Tore’s brother Yaya from Olympiakos (Daily Mirror)

Portsmouth are to take Nicolas Anelka on from Fenerbahce (Mirror)

Fulham, Watford and Charlton are chasing Leyton Orient’s Gabriel Zakuani (Mirror)

David Beckham is on the verge of signing a new deal with Real Madrid (Various)

Watford will offer £500,000 for Aston Villa’s Lee Hendrie (Mirror)

Posted: 8th, July 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Not Wright

“I’M not happy this morning.” What’s wrong, Ian? It’s Ian Wright, and when Ian’s not happy something must be badly wrong with the world.

 “I should be glad to be at home but I’m not and you all know where I’d rather be.”

 This is not exactly the kind of thing Mrs Ian Wright and the couple’s assorted little Ian Wrights will be happy to hear. No sooner has husband and father returned from wearing pressed shirts in Germany than he’s telling Sun readers that he’d rather be somewhere else.

 And, no, he wouldn’t rather be in eating a hot jacket potato in his local Spud U Like. He’d rather be in Germany, standing in Berlin with a red and white plastic bowler hat on his head, an inflatable Spitfire in his hand and cheering the England team on to certain victory.

 Sadly, it was not meant to be. But even an unhappy Ian remains hopeful. His thoughts turn to Euro 2008. Ian has picked his team for the next tournament. And at its helm is Shaun Wright-Philips, his son.

 But Ian will not be picking the team in any official capacity. As England’s cheerleader-in-chief, Ian will be watching England play from the BBC’s sofa.

 The man in charge of team selection will be Steve McClaren. And the Mirror’s Brian Reade says he’s not up to it. McClaren’s appointment has “locked England into a foolish strait-jacket”. He is Sven Goran Eriksson’s “equally culpable deputy”.

 This McClaren is just another Sven, albeit with better teeth and a big smile – even if it is a syrupy smile of smug self-satisfaction.

 But before we get too deeply immersed in the drive to destroy McClaren – let’s no peak too nearly – and start blaming his ginger hair for England’s failure, the Guardian reminds us that even with England out, the game must go on.

 Sure, the main attraction has been struck down. England, the team a hobbling Michael Owen says was “the best” in the tournament are out. And a world weeps. But the game goes on.

 But it’s not use pretending. The World Cup final is nothing without England. Better to just read the Mail and its leading story that Newcastle want to buy Ruud van Nistelrooy.

 It’s the big news in football. And it’s got England, and Ian Wright, buzzing again…

Posted: 8th, July 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

The Number Of The Beast

Quotes Of The Day

“It was very bitter to get eliminated like that, one minute from time, but not undeserved. The Italians had better chances in extra time” – Germany’s Michael Ballack loses with good grace

“You are wondering how many people are watching this in how many pubs, clubs and houses and what will the manager think if I miss?” – Michael Owen explains what happens in the moments leading up to taking a penalty. (Perhaps England players should worry less about missing and imagine the thrill of scoring from the spot?)

“English players look at me and see the Devil” – Portugal goalkeeper Ricardo

“I’ve got the passion, but no idea of tactics. I’d be like a black Kevin Keegan” – Ian Wright considers the England job

"Zidane is probably the best player there has been in the past 20 years" – Italy coach Marcello Lippi works out how old the French star must now be

Puns Of The Day

“Fergie gets Lippi” (Sun) – Italy coach Marcello Lippi will join Manchester United’s coaching staff

“Look out for Theo Walnutt” (Sun) – Theo Walcott spotted in a Brazil shirt

“Fergie’s staying power” (Star) – Ronaldo will stay at United

“Roo row ref in final insult” (Mirror) – Horacio Elizondo, the referee who sent off Wayne Rooney, will officiate at the final

Posted: 7th, July 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

United We Stand

Winners

Tony Blair thinks there should be a Great Britain football team at the London 20102 Olympics. “I think it would be a good idea,” says Tony. The England and Northern Ireland football federations support the idea, but Wales and Scotland do not.

England have a player in the World Cup final. Hurrah! AC Roma’s Simone Perrotta, who featured in Italy’s win over Germany, was born in Ashton-Under-Lyne, near Manchester. His parents, Francesco and Anna Maria, arrived in Lancashire in the mid-1970s to run a bar. So come on, Simone, it’s time to end 40 years of hurt.

The orange-coloured Wags are to get their own TV show. They will be challenged to open their own shops see who can take – not spend – the most money.

Losers

PR guru Max Clifford claims four leading Premiership players – one of whom is rumoured to be an international player – broke FA rules by betting on their own clubs last season.

How did Zinedine Zidane – three-time World Player of the Year – prepare for the semi-final against Portugal? By meditating? No. With yoga? No. By smoking a cigarette? Er…

A statue of Ronaldinho, erected in the south Brazilian town of Chapeio, has been burnt do the ground. Upset at their team’s defeat to France, vandals set fire to the 22-ft monument. “All that is left is twisted metal,” says a spokesman from the local town hall.

Posted: 7th, July 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Becks Home

Football Gossip

Newcastle are interested in signing David Beckham for £120,000-a-week (Mail)

Marcello Lippi will become a coach at Manchester Utd (Sun)

Real Madrid are willing to pay £22m for Cristiano Ronaldo (Various)

Manchester City are prepared to offloads Joey Barton (Mail)

Italy’s Rino Gattuso wants to join Manchester United (Sun)

Birmingham have accepted a £5.5millin offer from Wigan for Emile Heskey (Mail)

Porstmouth and Sheffield United want Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink (Mail)

Reading’s Steve Sidwell is set for a move to Charlton in a £2.1m (Mirror)

Liverpool striker Djibril Cisse will sign for Marseille (Times)

Nicolas Anelka is interested in playing for Newcastle (Times)

Posted: 7th, July 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Toonward-Boond

“UNDER federal law, German businesses are obliged to remain closed on Sundays,” begins George Caulkin of The Times, writing in Baden-Baden.

All very interesting, Mr Caulkin, but why is this item not nestling in the business pages, among the latest news of Ottaker’s and Peugot?

Ah, here’s the clever bit. The story is about Sunday’s World Cup final, which is, in footballing parlance, a “shop window”. Of course, the whole World Cup is a shop window, but Sunday takes on a particular significance, because the spectacle of a bunch of Italian players with uncertain club futures will create a feeding frenzy for football agents, who will, depending on your view, either gather like vultures, or circle like sharks, or swarm like bees, or skip straight-legged with their chests puffed up like frill-necked lizards.

Come August, some of these Italians could well pitch up in the Premiership, but until they are signed to English clubs they will have to wait for their day in the Sun – or the Star or the Mirror.

The English papers are focussed, as ever, on all things English, and that means domestic transfer news. The Mirror’s back page hails “HESKEY’S £5.5M MOVE” which has “smashed Wigan’s transfer record”. The Telegraph tells of Bruno N’Gotty’s move from Bolton to Birmingham on a free, and Reading’s failure to tie down Steve Sidwell – “reportedly the subject of a £2 million offer from Manchester City, whose manager, Stuart Pearce, yesterday reiterated his desire to keep midfielder Joey Barton at Eastlands.”

All good stuff, yet nothing compared to the Sun’s story that Marcello Lippi is set to work alongside his “longstanding friend” Alex Ferguson at Manchester United – who also, if reports are true, intends to hang onto his winking winger.

Yet the biggest news concerns an Old Trafford old boy and another United whose supporters believe it to be one of the four biggest clubs in the world. The United whose most recent trophy was the Inter-Cities Fairs Cup in 1969, and whose last domestic honour was the FA Cup, more than half a century ago.

Yes, it’s Newcastle United. They’ll be a-greetin’ down the Gallageet when they read the Star’s back page (“OWEN OUT FOR A YEAR”). But then they’ll wipe away the tears as they turn to the Daily Mail (“Newcastle go for Beckham”).
Yesterday we were told that Real Madrid were keen to tie Becks to a new three-year deal worth £75million.

Yet today the Mail publishes pictures of Newcastle chairman Freddy Shepherd and singing sensation Victoria Beckham emerging from Claridges. Discounting the more likely explanation (they were indulging in an illicit tryst), the paper concludes that David is Toonward-boond for 100 poond a week, a crate of Broon and a bottle of perfume for the weef.

The paper contrasts Beckham’s arrival in Madrid to the crowds at St James’s Park for the unveiling of Alan Shearer and Michael Owen. It concludes that the north-east has the edge. And there’s plenty there for “Posh Lass” too, with the Metro centre (Europe’s largest shopping complex) offering a choice to rival Madrid’s Calle Serrano.

Yes, it looks like Mr Football’s coming home. A season ends and a new one begins, and the Premiership is the place to be.

But what’s this? Theo Walcott pictured wearing a Brazil shirt? Well, with England on fire and ferocious competition for places, it’s probably the lad’s best chance of getting a game.

Posted: 7th, July 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Write On

Winners

Sepp Blatter, president of Fifa, has revealed three measures that he believes could improve refereeing standards at the World Cup. They include an amnesty on yellow cards after the quarter-finals, computer chips in the balls to determine if they cross the line and the introduction of two referees.

Coleen McLoughlin is getting over the disappointment of Wayne Rooney’s red card by doing what she does best: shopping. She was spotted in London’s Harvey Nichols department store investing £2,500 in a green snakeskin handbag.

Losers

Reports are that Steve McClaren’s staff have prepared a dossier for journalists. The hacks are divided into “pros”, “antis” and “don’t knows”. We are unsure how this will help England. Ideas in the form of a scribbled note to the usual address.

England were the only team in Germany that did not have sponsored training tops. Which is a scandal. Isn’t it?

David Beckham is no longer England’s skipper. And that could be bad news for the FA’s sponsorship department. Branding experts say the absence of the marketable one could cost the FA up to £20million.

Joe Cole burst into tears on a night out in London. While having a quiet drink in Faces club, in Gants Hill, Cole was approached by England fans keen to speak to him. He is said to have answered their questions politely but things soon became too much for him to handle. And he cried.

Posted: 6th, July 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Harry’s Big Business

Anorak Gossip

Real Madrid say Roman Abramovich allowed them to discuss signing Dutch winger Arjen Robben (Sun)

Arsenal will secure the services of Argentine striker Javier Saviola for just £2m (Sun)

Arsenal are keen on Ghana’s Stephen Appiah (Express)

Spurs boss Martin Jol will offer £7.5m for Middlesbrough’s Stewart Downing (Mirror)

Harry Redknapp’s Portsmouth will offer £13million for PSV Eindhoven’s Peruvian striker Jefferson Farfan (Mirror)

David Beckham could well be offered a new three-year contract at Real Madrid (Sun)

Robbie Savage does not want to join Wigan (Sun)

Wigan want Birmingham’s Emile Heskey (Mail)

Hernan Crepso is in talks to join AC Milan (Mirror)

Kanu will quit West Brom (Mirror)

Shaka Hislop has joined FC (Dallas)

Posted: 6th, July 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

England Expectorates

“YOU’RE NOT WINKING ANY MORE,” jeers the Daily Mirror, while the Sun, in similar vein but with a more restrained lower-case typeface, opts for “You’re not winking any more”.

Both appear above the predictably tearful Cristiano Ronaldo, pictured after Portugal’s defeat to football’s equivalent of the Rolling Stones – a French side who groaned “Start me up!” and roused themselves from retirement for one more tour.

It was Ronaldo’s misfortune to play last night’s match in front of a large contingent of England fans who had booked semi-final tickets in the hope that “The Boys of 06” would be appearing. They showed their appreciation for the tricky winking winger by booing and whistling every time he touched the ball, but this seemed to spur Ronaldo on, and he turned in a tremendous performance full of direct attacking play and imaginative athletic diving. Did it get him the man-of-the-match award in the English papers? Take a wild guess.

So the stage is set for a dramatic final between those two historical enemies, France and England. Yes, that’s right, it’s Zidane and Co versus Simone Perrotta’s boys. Perrotta, as we informed you the other day, hails from
Ashton-under-Lyne, Greater Manchester, which also happens to be the birthplace of hat-trick hero Sir Geoff Hurst.

“Englishman makes the World Cup FINAL,” announces the Sun. “Perrotta a Lancs lad.” We see pictures of “HIS HOUSE” (caption: “Humble beginnings”) and “DAD’S PUB” (caption: “The old Yates Wine Lodge”). The Lancs lad, whose family returned to Italy when he was six, reckons he still has “a little bit of England in me” (probably a piece of undigested gristle from a school dinner) and holds fond memories of a place where “it was always grey and raining”.

Simone reveals that he was eligible to play for England, but chose Italy. Did his Italian parents influence his decision? No – apparently his friends and family were happy for him to don the three lions. Yet “there was no doubt in my mind I wanted to play for Italy”. Looking at England’s current golden generation, he probably made the right choice, as it would have been unrealistic in the extreme to expect a place in the present squad.

How is Ashton-under-Lyne preparing for the final? Has the Coronation bunting been retrieved from the old biscuit tin and hung proudly aloft? Will there be street parties? “Sales of Italy shirts have been ‘nothing to shout about’,” says The Times, rather missing the point that Perrotta is ENGLISH, and that ENGLAND shirts have been selling rather well.

The paper spoke to the mayor of Tameside, councillor Margaret Sidebottom (crazy name, sensible lady), who says that if Italy win, the council might consider commemorating the contribution of The Man With the English Gristle Lodged in his Digestive Tract. “We’re proud of all our citizens, whoever they represent,’ avows Sidebottom. “I’ll certainly be keeping a close eye on the final and cheering him on.”

There might be a few more English citizens considering switching their football allegiances if the Mirror’s “GRIM VERDICT ON OUR FUTURE HOPES” is anything to go by. Former England supremo Graham Taylor reckons that England will emulate Scotland and regularly fail to qualify for tournaments. Of course, England didn’t regularly fail to qualify for the World Cup under Taylor – his impressive 100-per-cent failure rate was achieved through just one solitary attempt.

But he knows what he’s talking about. “I’m a very depressed Englishman at the moment,” he admits. “I have a dreaded feeling that perhaps we are not going to win the World Cup again.”

Come off it, chum! With the golden generation hitched to Steve “Magic” McClaren’s bandwagon, we predict nothing less than triumph in South Africa 2010. You read it here first.

Posted: 6th, July 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Spot On

Quotes Of The Day

“I will never understand why Wayne Rooney was left to play up front on his own. To leave him without any support was asking too much” – Pele

“I have always said the presidents of each football association should take them [penalties] because the responsibility is so great” – Pele

"It’s lovely to see two strikers playing with each other" – David Pleat enjoys Germany’s Klose and Podolski partership.

“I have a dreaded feeling that we’re not gong to win the World Cup again” – Graham Taylor (and, no, he hasn’t applied for his old England manager’s job)

“We did everything possible but if you don’t score you don’t win the game" – Luiz Felipe Scolari accepts the simple truth of football

Puns Of The Day

“You’re not winking any more” (Mirror, Sun) – Ronaldo’s Portugal crash out

“Nice and ZZ does it” (Mirror) – Zinedine Zidane scores the penalty to take France into the final

“Zid’s spot prize” (Star)

“Zidane claims the spot prize” (Mail)

“ZZ top of the world” (Star)

“Simply Ze best” (Sun)

“We’re glad to see the bag of you” (Sun) – Sven Goran Eriksson jets off to Sweden

“On me dread” (Sun) – Jamaica want Sven as their new manager

Posted: 6th, July 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

United They’re Not

Red-card fool Wayne Rooney faces a possible five-match ban from Fifa if he fails to apologise for his inexcusable sending off in the quarter-finale against Portugal (Mirror)

Liverpool remain interested in Birmingham’s Jermaine Pennant (Sun)

Cristiano Ronaldo has no intention of playing for Manchester United again (Mail)

West Ham will make a move for Chelsea’s Carlton Cole (Star)

Manchester City and Bolton want Liverpool’s Didi Hamann (Star)

Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink has been released by Middlesbrough; Celtic are interested is signing him (Mirror)

Martin O’Neill could be next coach of Australia (Star)

Cesc Fabregas wants to join Real Madrid (Mirror)

Reading are in for Ghana’s John Mensah (Mirror)

Posted: 5th, July 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Losing It

Quotes Of The Day

“I’ve seen the video and it doesn’t look like Graham Poll refereeing. Any supporters, if they watch the last 10 minutes, would say it doesn’t look like Graham Poll referring, that’s true” – Graham Poll looks at that other Graham Poll, the fool who gave a player three yellow cards

“We had played quite a lot of the game with 10 men and I think we took the penalties in a tired way” – Peter Crouch explains why England had trouble hitting a ball 12 yards into a net

“Wayne will get some sort of revenge in training. Manager Sir Alex Ferguson will then say ‘you’re all square – get on with it’" – ex-Everton player Nigel Martyn looks at the Ronaldo-Rooney spat

“To win in their own backyard – there aren’t any words that describe what I’m feeling right now” – Italy’s Alessandro Del Piero enjoys beating the Germans

“A big compliment too to Italy, they are in the final and good luck to them" – Germany’s Juergen Klinsmann takes defeat with good grace

Puns Of The Day

“Roo la la!” (Star) – Back France to beat Ronaldo and those Portuguese

“Here oui go!” (Star) – More of the same

“Grosso is the bosso” (Star) – Italy’s Fabio Grosso scores the goal that matters

“Del boy’s joy” (Mirror) – Luverly jubberly for Italy’s Alessandro Del Piero

Posted: 5th, July 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Red-Top Alert

Winners

Germans have attempted a spot of satire, with the England team as their favoured target. After their poor showing in the shoot-out, German newspaper Bild produced a cut-out-and-keep guide to kicking a ball. “The player must shoot from their penalty spot with either his right or his left foot. This is the goal. This is where the goalkeeper will stand. It is his job to stop the ball.”

Sven Goran Eriksson shows that life goes on, taking delivery of a £375 pop art picture of Bobby Moore lifting the, er, World Cup for England

Losers

The Daily Star is going in with its studs up on Portugal’s Ronaldo. A sample of text messages sent to the paper by readers, and published, runs: “I would hit him so hard that his name would hurt…and snap his legs”; “I would pull his Portuguese head off and bite his ears off”; “I’d break his ankles”; “”kneecap him”; and “snap his legs”. All that for a wink? Imagine the reaction if he’d stamped on Wayne Rooney’s groin as he lay on the turf.

The Sun is asking England fans to log on to the Fifa World Cup site and vote for Wayne Rooney(!) as the player of the tournament(!!). Well, he did help Portugal beat England…

Almost 400 passengers were left waiting when pilots and cabin crew failed to show up for work because they were watching the World Cup. As Italy kicked off against Ukraine, passengers at Rome’s Fiumicino airport waited in vain. An Alitalia source says: “If Italy get to the final and you have a flight booked for Sunday forget it.” Forget it.

Posted: 5th, July 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

It Gets Worse

IF you thought it was all over, you were wrong. The papers are chock-full of England (of which more later), and the Mail reminds us that there will be an Englishman in the final on Sunday.

This news awakens Mr Anorak from his slumbers. He wipes spittle from his lips and hauls himself upright. Like Sir Francis Drake, he is ready at any time to rise and come to his country’s aid. ‘What’s that?’ he asks, reaching for his ankle-high footer boots and trusty tin of dubbin. “Has my day finally come?”

No, sir. You go back to sleep now.

A look of alarm comes to his face. “You don’t mean that Graham Poll has been awarded the final, do you?’

No, sir. The Mail is simply pointing out that Simone Perrotta will be playing in the final. The lad was born in Ashton-under-Lyne, Greater Manchester, you see. If Anorak’s sources are correct, he is a former pupil of St Anne’s Roman Catholic Primary School. The Mail reminds us that Perrotta’s essential Englishness “gives us the excuse (like we needed one) not to support Portugal or France”.

Perrotta has no plans that we know of to make an emotional return to his place of study, but the paper says that seven of his Italian team-mates could be. The imminent relegation of clubs like Juventus means that there is likely to be the football equivalent of a fire sale.

One of the players mentioned is Juventus goalkeeper Gianluigi Buffon. The paper reckons that Arsenal ‘admire’ him, which is a curious thing to say. After all it would be odd if they didn’t admire the man generally considered to be the finest ‘custodian’ in the world. But we assume that this is a mealy-mouthed way of implying that Arsenal are planning a bid. Where does this idea come from? Before yesterday’s semi-final, Buffon’s advisors apparently put the Arsenal story out. Given that Germany’s goalkeeper is Jens Lehmann, who has been outstanding for club and country, could it be, as some have suggested, a simple case of mind games?

If so, it had no discernible effect on the Arsenal man, who made several good saves before being cruelly denied the opportunity to use his penalty crib-sheet. The papers are united in their praise for both sides, who contributed to a classic football match full of skill and intelligence, but also the bite and thrills of a proper cup-tie.

The immaculately coiffeured Brian Woolnough of the Star turns his eye to the spectacle, and as usual there is not a word, nor a hair, out of place. “WOOLLY’S VERDICT” is stark and simple: “England, at this World Cup, would not have got near these sides.” Sad but true.

Which brings us back to Our Boys. Before the rebuilding of the team commences, there are important off-the-pitch matters to consider. The FA, as ever, has its priorities right. First, there is the problem of David Beckham’s resignation, which is expected to lose £20 million of sponsorship money. Then there is the news that England were the only team without sponsored tops. Thank goodness they devoted their energies to securing a new improved deal for Eriksson instead.

There are pages and pages devoted to the aftermath of Black Saturday. The Mirror offers a pull-out Becks souvenir: “BECKHAM: 21ST CENTURY FOOTBALLER.” It is divided pretty much 50-50 between the football and the fashion, which is probably how he will be remembered.

Meanwhile, his team-mates are finding it tough going. “Embarrassed to go out the door,” declares the Sun. “RIO: MY AGONY.” And there is Rio, with his hand over his head. The gesture is not intended to hide his cornrows, and the headline has nothing to do with the lad’s physical appearance. He is embarrassed to meet the public after England’s performance in Germany. “I went into Sainsbury’s with my girlfriend Rebecca and people were coming up to me and saying ‘Well done,’ reveals the central defender. ‘They all had the best of intentions but all I could think of was ‘Well done for what?’ We hadn’t done anything. It’s better than being told you’re c**p I suppose, but it was still uncomfortable.”

Meanwhile, Jamie Carragher is fighting back after claims by England’s fitness coach Ivan Carminati that he ‘bottled’ his penalty. (Of course that isn’t what the coach actually said, but the Sun helpfully interpreted his words in this way.) The paper says that last night “Carra” told Carminati to “belt up”. Or rather, he told a Sun reporter that “What happened in the shootout is one of those things that happen in football and you have to get on with it… The fact is, we didn’t go out because we lost on penalties – we went out because we didn’t do enough to win in 90 minutes.”

And if Sr Carminati is reading this, we’ll translate it once again into simple English: Belt up, and tell your countrymen that if they win on Sunday it will be mean nothing because the moral champions are ENGLAND.

Got that? Good.

Posted: 5th, July 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Texting Times

Quotes Of The Day

“At half-time, Big Phil would have spotted a weakness in our formation, whereas Sven would have spotted a woman with big tits in row G” – Frank Skinner

“Is it a day for cool heads, Wayne?” – Rooney nodded to the BBC’s Garth Crooks when that question was put to him before the Portugal game

Between me and Rooney, there is no problem. At the end we texted each other and between us everything’s been cleared” – Ronaldo proves that Wayne Rooney does have opposable thumbs

"But we should have been beaten Germany as we did Ivory Coast and Serbia and Montenegro as Germany is not much better than Ivory Coast" – Departed Argentina coach Jose Pekerman gives hope that an African team can win the World Cup one day

"I want to say absolutely categorically that I did not intentionally put my foot down on Carvalho" – Wayne Rooney

Puns Of The Day

“Italy gets Frings benefit” (Mirror) – Germany’s Torsten Fings is suspended for the semi-final

“I Roofuse to say I’m sorry” – Wayne Rooney refuses to apologise to the nation for his red card

“Fit? You must be Juergen – Klinsmann’s preparations make Sven look amateur” (Mail)

“Coleen Asda be a model” (Sun) – Coleen McLoughlin is the face and body of the supermarket chain

“World War Roo” (Sun) – Trouble at Manchester United between Ronaldo and Rooney

Posted: 4th, July 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

The Fence Of God

Winners

Had enough of John Motson? Fancy eating David Beckham for breakfast? Well you need not be cannibal to have your heart’s desire. Peperami has fashioned a series of six celebrity fanimals, its sausage-shaped mascots. As well as Motty and Becks, you can rip into Wayne Rooney, Gary Lineker and Ian Wright. And Sven Goran Eriksson, although we’ve had our fill of him.

The Pope will support Germany for one half of tonight’s semi-final and Italy for the other. Benedict XV was born in Germany and supports Bayern Munich. He lives and works in Rome. His personal secretary Father George Gaenswein says: “His Holy Father is always impartial and so he will be tonight. His heart is with Germany and Italy.” And his money is on..?

Race horse owner Gary Martin had his horse Ronaldo gelded in an act of revenge on the Portuguese winger. “It would have given me much more satisfaction if I could have had the real Ronaldo’s nuts cut off. But this is the best I could do,” says he.

Losers

England have scored just one of their last five penalties in shoot-outs, and one of their last five kicks taken in normal time.

Former France forward Youri Djorkaeff told his paymasters at the New York Red Bulls soccer team he needed time off to deal with a family emergency. "We were told by Youri on Thursday that he had to leave the team and attend to an unexpected, serious family matter in France," a spokesman for the team, formerly known as the MetroStars, said in a statement. "As with any player in a situation like this, we granted his request with the understanding that he would rejoin the club immediately after the personal matter was resolved.” And that personal matter? The cameras panned the crowd at France v Brazil and there was Yuri. Oops.

For all his apparent lack of desire and skill, Sven Goran Eriksson’s England team created four good goal scoring changes to Portugal’s one. Should we blame the Swede for failure? Or Rooney for getting himself sent off?

Posted: 4th, July 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Barton Fink

Gossip

Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho will launch a £20million bid for Arsenal’s Ashley Cole (Sun)

Real Madrid’s new president Ramon Calderon says Arsenal’s Cesc Fabregas and Chelsea winger Arjen Robben are his top targets (Independent)

Middlesbrough are interested in signing Manchester City’s Joey Barton (Mail)

Niall Quinn wants Martin O’Neill to manage Sunderland (Mirror)

Charlton will not allow Darren Bent to leave (Sun)

West Ham have failed to sign Charlton defender Luke Young (Mail)

Tottenham have bid £5.5m for West Brom’s Curtis Davies (Times)

Rangers will sign Lyon midfielder Jeremy Clement (Record)

Posted: 4th, July 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Captain Courageous

BRIAN “Woolly” Woolnough, the Star’s respected football writer, is a man who sports an impressive coiffeur. One gets the feeling that if his house caught fire he wouldn’t leave until he had checked that there wasn’t a hair out of place.

Today he turns his attention to Chelsea skipper John Terry, the man widely expected to be the next captain of England. Woolly is keen on him, and no wonder. He writes that after every game, Terry “goes to all his team mates and asks if they can look in the mirror”.

But Woolly’s point is not that Chelsea’s players are well groomed and immaculately turned-out – although they are, of course. His point is that Terry makes sure that they can look honestly at themselves and know that they have done their job to the best of their ability.

John Terry is in stark contrast to David Beckham. He looks as if he’s in his forties, as footballers did back in the black-and-white days. (Indeed, with Steve McClaren appearing ever more youthful, we could soon have an international team captain who looks older than his manager – a feat Terry has already achieved at club level.) Terry’s character is also reminiscent of a bygone age, and will be a welcome break from the celebrity circus that surrounds Beckham and has expanded to take in most of the England camp.

Woolly points out that as a no-nonsense teenager, Terry bollocked Gianfranco Zola on the training ground and crocked manager Gianluca Vialli. He reckons that Steve McClaren’s image is of ‘a man lacking in personality’, and that JT can help him win the nation’s confidence. As an illustration of Terry’s courage, Woolly recalls how he stayed on the pitch after having his leg gashed by Wayne Rooney, because he wanted to lift the Premiership trophy after the match. “It was only pain and as captain you have to lead by example,” said Terry. Echoes of Dave Mackay playing with a broken leg: “The pain can wait.”

Being crocked by Rooney is an occupational hazard of being an England player, as the volatile striker likes to put himself about on the training ground. But at the moment Wayne is keen to play down his aggressive side.

The Times has “exclusive” evidence that quarter-final referee Horacio Elizondo had intended sending Rooney off for “violent play”, and claims to have been uninfluenced by Cristiano Ronaldo’s interference. This news has repercussions for the whole affair. Rooney himself is busy telling all the papers that his stamp was not a stamp at all, but an accidental dragging of the foot. Meanwhile both Rooney and Ronaldo are busy trying to build bridges now that the departure of the Portuguese winger/winker from Old Trafford looks less certain.

The Guardian reports that because the Real Madrid presidential election did not go the way Ronaldo’s advisers expected, the United player might not be on his way to the Bernabeu. “There is no problem between me and Rooney,” he announce via his advisers’ website. “At the end of the game we exchanged a series of text message just as we had the day before.” Whether the tone of the texts was the same, he doesn’t say. Perhaps Rooney’s promise to “split him in two” was a joke, or, who knows, part of some private sex game. One thing is for sure, though: behind the scenes there is a huge amount of patching-up and damage limitation going on.

England’s former backroom boys have no need to worry about diplomacy. “BOTTLER,” says the Sun. “Top England coach slams Carragher.” Well, yes and no. Former England fitness coach Ivan Carminati dismisses as a “joke” Jamie Carragher’s claim that he didn’t know he had to wait for the ref’s whistle before taking his penalty. It’s hard to disagree with this assessment, but it’s also hard to see where the Sun gets the “bottler” bit. “Normally Carragher is a good penalty taker,” says the not-really-very-offensive Italian, “but anything can happen when the pressure gets to you.”

The World Cup post-mortem looks likely to rumble on for days, but in the meantime, there are lots of other things for the papers to get excited about. Like Andy Murray, for example.

What’s that?… Oh dear.

Posted: 4th, July 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

No Saint Andrew

HOLD the blue felt-tip! There’s no need to alter your flag of St George into a Saltire. Andrew Murray is out of Wimbledon.

The Scot’s Wimbledon dream ended with a 6-3 6-4 7-6 (7-2) defeat to France’s Marcos Baghdatis.

Murray is ranked No. 44 in the world. Baghdatis is at number 55. In football terms, this is Serbia & Montenegro losing to Zimbabwe.

Not that football has much to do with tennis. Since Goran Ivanisevic retired from the game, we struggle to remember any player who has kicked a ball on court, let alone attempted to juggle it on his toe, as the affable Croatian was wont to.

Boris Becker has commentated on the “beautiful jackets” in both sports, but this we feel has less to with his sporting knowledge and more with his role as our favourite German; a condition aided by the fact that the only other German we are supposed to like is Jurgen Klinsmann, and he’s too busy leading his country to World Cup supremacy to talk to Sue Barker about umpire’s blazers and Comfi-Slax.

Football and tennis rarely if ever mix. Which is why it was odd for Murray to say that he’d be supporting “anyone but England” at the World Cup.

And all the odder because tennis players – especially British tennis players – are as controversial as wet toast.

Murray’s error was not only to voice an opinion, and so make the kind of people who watch tennis – middle-aged, middle-class and middle management – baulk, but to look like he cared about football.

Football. Eu! That’s the sport for sweaty oiks and thugs. Tennis is so much more refined, less a sport than a chance to discuss Gavin’s promotion at work and Lucy’s custard tarts.

And here was Murray talking about football. In a single comment he had alienated many of us.

England football fans noticed him and did not like what they saw. Tennis fans thought him crass and vulgar. Unsurprisingly, Murray’s blog has attracted over 1,000 unflattering comments and no little abuse.

Pete Wishart, of the Scottish National Party, said in the Commons that his “sickening hate mail” has to stop.

And so it should. Hate mail in tennis? How so? Football has the tabloids mutating men’s heads on turnips, sticking players’ faces on dartboards and likening games to war. Football has wives and girlfriends who dance on tables and tell Germans to “f*** off”. Tennis has Lucy Henman in a silk scarf and bob.

Thankfully, it is now all at an end. Murray can disappear until next summer. He is out. As, of course, are England.

Indeed, defeat is perhaps the one thing that unites both sports and their sets fans. And balls.

Posted: 4th, July 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

After The Ball

THE World Cup is a party to which we are all invited – and that includes Britain’s paedophiles.

On Saturday night they will have headed to south-west London to join the revelries of our ex-pat Portuguese community and then headed home to sleep soundly in their beds for the first time since June 2004.

That’s because they know that once every two years England will crash out of a football tournament, and for a brief period they will be knocked off their spot as public enemy number one. The only question this year was who would replace them: Rooney or Sven? We turn to the Sun to discover Rebekah’s name-and-shame selection. And the winner is…. Neither!

Sven’s apologetic press conference, and his plea not to slaughter Rooney seems to have paid off, because the man who can no longer safely set foot on Britain’s tolerant soil is not English at all – he’s Cristiano Ronaldo, aka the “slippery Portuguese winker”.

Ronaldo’s crime was to wind up his Manchester United team-mate before the match, point out to the ref that Rooney had committed a foul, and allegedly suggest a card, and then wink and pout provocatively afterwards. Rooney is understandably furious, and, having failed to get into the Portuguese dressing room after the match, has now threatened to ‘split him in two’.

The Sun provides a Ronaldo dartboard, with the slippery one’s winking eye as the bull. Underneath is Bully from Bullseye, holding up the World Cup with the words “…and here’s what you could have won”. Clearly no room for the words “with a decent team and manager”.

Once we turn to the back pages, Sven and Rooney have to take their fair share of stick. “GOODBYE TOSSER,” says the Sun of the Swede who “tossed away” our cash, our talent and our world Cup dreams. “Sven stuffed his pockets, and then he stuffed us all,” declares Ian Wright, whose World Cup Super Goals section is adorned with the flag of St George, the patron saint of penalty shoot-outs.

The Daily Mail’s prize-winning Chief Sport’s Writer Paul Hayward “delivers his withering analysis” over two full pages, but it is helpfully summed up in three quotes. Eriksson is “the man who vandalised our team in five awful years”. Rooney “disgraced himself in his first big match”. And David Beckham “has dodged the silver bullet”.

The latter refers to Beckham’s emotional announcement of his resignation as England captain, which Hayward sees as an opportunity to “escape the celebrity culture of the Eriksson years”. He says that England (surely Team England, Paul) is “not a brand or a vehicle for advertisers” but “a football team hurtling towards a half-century of Wilderness Years”. We assume he means a half-century post-’66, rather than starting now, but in the current climate of gloom it’s hard to tell.

The Mirror offers a more conciliatory approach, and includes a poster of our David waving sadly, with the words “BYE BYE SKIP”, and some snapshots of his golden moments, for which it offers thanks.

But there’s no respite for “flop Eriksson”. The paper claims that the ice-man “stunned players” by bursting into tears as he thanked the players in the dressing room. An “insider” says that the players then consoled him. (Later, when they had finished, they all got into their pyjamas and had some cocoa and a group hug before going to bed.)

As for the future, the Telegraph quotes Eriksson on his successor Steve McLaren. “He will be a very impressive manager for England,” says Sven. “I’ve been working with him for five-and-a-half years.” And that, ladies and gentleman, is as good an example of a non sequitur as you will ever see.

Steve should take heart from the fact that if he does half as badly as his mentor, he’ll be doing very well indeed.

Posted: 3rd, July 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Later, Ron

Cristiano Ronaldo will be sold by Manchester United, probably to Real Madrid (Sun)

Middlesbrough still want Fulham’s Steed Malbranque (Mirror)

Glenn Hoddle has resigned as manager of Wolves (Guardian)

Paul Ince is favourite to be the new Wolves manager (Mail)

Liverpool have signed Valencia’s Fabio Aurelio (Mirror)

Sir Clive Woodward is to discuss his future at Southampton with new club chairman Michael Wilde (Mirror)

Manchester United want Derby’s Giles Barnes, who has also attracted interest from Everton, Liverpool and Newcastle (Mail)

Sheffield United want Ghana’s Derek Boateng (Mail)

Everton want to sign Brett Emerton from Blackburn (Mail)

Posted: 3rd, July 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment