Bye-Bye, Badger

‘BUTCHERS are by no means the only species in Britain facing extinction.

‘Just because you bought me dinner, it doesn’t mean you can watch’

The Independent reports that several other animals are under threat – for instance, the red squirrel, the wildcat and – no doubt much to Ron Davis’s chagrin – the badger.

And, according to a countryside audit (entitled The State Of Britain’s Mammals 2004), the introduction of GM crops could threaten other species by reducing the number of insects around such crops with “potentially serious consequences” for hedgehogs, mice and bats.

The Guardian warns that the extinction of the red squirrel, one of the most fondly regarded of Britain’s small mammals, was certain unless drastic measures were taken.

A report by the Mammals Trust UK says large-scale control of the American grey squirrel and vaccination against disease is the only way to save the red squirrel.

And the UK red Squirrel Group says it is planning a shooting and poisoning blitz on greys near 20 designated red squirrel areas.

But you too can do your bit to help – send a frog to France, hug a butcher, throttle a grey squirrel or join the brave men and, er, other men who get up in the middle of the night to perform a census of the local badger population…’

Posted: 26th, April 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Papers!

‘IN this age of European rapprochement there was, on the face of it at least, something of the zeitgeist about Richard Desmond’s greeting to four Telegraph newspaper executives.

Desmond mentioned the war

Desmond, owner of Express Newspapers, may, in the opinion of the Telegraph, have used a bad German accent, but “guten morgen” seems a nice enough greeting.

To non-German speakers, the phrase translates as “good morning”. And Desmond’s next comment, “sehr good”, is revealed by the Telegraph to mean “very good”.

In many top German firms, business meetings are conducted in English, so why not reverse the process and talk shop in the language of our European partner?

Had Desmond stopped there, things may have passed without incident. But the man, whose efforts to buy the Telegraph titles are all but sunk, ran out of steam.

It’s a situation many who have taken a German oral examination at GCSE and A–level know only too well. Having greeted the examiner, told him who you are and the colour of your sister’s car, your German runs dry.

You reach into your mind for anything German. And if you’re Richard Desmond, angered that the Telegraph is likely to pass into the hands of Berlin-based publishers Axel Springer, you say that Germans are all “Nazis”.

You then, as the Independent relates, begin goose-stepping around the room, taking care to place two fingers beneath your nose and perform Sieg Heil salutes.

Having suitably impressed the visiting executives, or that now quivering examiner, with your knowledge of German culture, you command all around you to join in with a rousing rendition of that old Teutonic staple “Deutschland Uber Alles”.

But from there things go down hill. Your knowledge stops short of knowing the German for “How do you feel about being owned by fucking Nazis?”, “fucking cunts” and “fucking wankers”.

Mr Jeremy Deedes, the Telegraph’s chief executive, did ask Mr Desmond at this point to sit down and get on with the planned meeting. But again, Desmond’s German fell short of the mark.

“Don’t you tell me to sit down, you fucking miserable piece of shit,” he replied. He then, apparently, asked Deedes if he’d like to step outside “to sort it out”.

“I regard it as extreme behaviour in front of adults,’ said Mr Deedes in fluent German, and now translated for Desmond’s benefit.

“Eventually it was clear there was no way of conducting a meaningful meeting.”

And the Telegraph’s board now refuses to meet again until Desmond buys himself a decent German-English dictionary.’

Posted: 23rd, April 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

That Old Black Magic

‘SOME words need no translation. Their meaning is as clear as day.

Ron will be backed by The Three Degrees – Cunningham, Regis and Baston

But still the Guardian takes an entire page to add context to the phraseology of Ron Atkinson, the erstwhile football pundit, who until very recently wrote for its pages.

Ron’s comment on Chelsea football club’s black player Marcel Desailly – “He is what is known in some schools as a fucking lazy, thick nigger” – may have been taken out of context.

What the context they should have been made in is unclear. Perhaps Ron should have made his comments in a football match in the Seventies or in Richard Desmond’s Germany and not on a live TV broadcast.

Ron’s thoughts might even be better suited to song. But if Ron is to be the new Chant Laureate, he’ll have to see off some stiff competition.

The Times casts an eye over some of the entries to date in the hunt for the person to tour the Premiership stadiums composing chants for fan on a £10,000 annual allowance.

Thirty chants have made it onto Poet Laureate Andrew Motion’s shortlist. And for your delectation, here are a few.

To the tune of The Weather Girls’ It’s Raining Men, take it away, Emma Pursey: “It’s Wayne [Rooney] again/ With a hat-trick/ It’s Wayne again/ Sayin’ ‘Pick me Sven’/ Short, scouse with light brown hair/ All the keeper does is stop and stare…”

Over to you, Sean Kelly, who has quit his job to dedicate his energies to the competition. To the tune of Yankee Doodle: “Darren Huckerby is great/ He’s always on the forage/ He’d really like to score some goals/ But that doesn’t rhyme with Norwich.”

When you learn that Kelly’s job earned him £40,000 a year, you may well shed a tear.

And lastly, let’s hear from Mark Luff, who rewrote the Stranglers’ Golden Brown for Wes Brown. “Wesley Brown, he’s number one/ Centre-half, second to none/ Leeds/ Liverpool/ We’ll beat them all/ We’ll lift the crown/ With Wesley Brown.”

And now to the tune of That Old Black Magic, take it away, Ron: “He is what is known as a thick…”’

Posted: 23rd, April 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

The Joyce Of Sex

‘PARDON Richard Desmond’s German and pardon our French but the paper’s are chock full of swearing today.

Ulysses is now available in text message format

But things have always been so, and the Guardian says that what’s good for us was good enough for James Joyce.

What the Guardian calls a “pulsating gusset-ripper” of a letter from the Irish writer to his lover Nora Barnacle has been discovered.

Written on December 1, 1909, the forerunner to the David Beckham text message, the missive will be auctioned at Sotheby’s where it is expected to go for around £60,000.

If Nora were around today, the letter would go for much more, especially if she could read it while wearing a ripped bodice in The News Of The World.

But to the letter itself, and that sensation. Sadly, we cannot reveal the details therein since the Guardian falls short of relating them to us.

But we do know that the letter was in response to a sexually explicit note that Nora wrote to Joyce in which she said how she longed to be “fucked” by him.

Or “fucked”, as they say in Germany…’

Posted: 23rd, April 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Bombs In Basra

‘IF Tony Blair’s plan to hold a referendum on Britain’s acceptance of the EU constitution was intended to distract the electorate from trouble in Iraq, it failed horribly.

‘How about an oil-for-razors programme?’

Two days on from Tony’s U-turn and the Guardian leads with the grim news of the deaths of at least 68 Iraqis, including 17 children, at the hands of suicide bombers.

Worse for Tony is that the bombs were detonated in the British-controlled sector, shattering what passed for peace in the city of Basra in a series of car bombs.

Of course, Tony cannot be held responsible for such indiscriminate killing by those hell-bent on causing death and mayhem.

And he’s right in saying that the terrorists are “prepared to attack the most defenceless people they can”, that being their modus operandi.

What he needs is a way of reminding the British people why the country went to war in the first place – or to find a new reason. And he gets a helping hand from the Telegraph.

Yesterday, Claude Hankes-Drielsma, who is leading the Iraqi Governing Council’s investigation into what happened to the £60bn United Nations’ oil-for-food programme, said the aid never reached its intended targets.

Rather than going to the sick and destitute in pre-war Iraq, the food and water was in large part siphoned off by Saddam Hussein and redistributed among his supporters.

Yes, Hussein was a bad man. He had to go.

And the Russians, who allegedly provided out-of-date and unfit goods to Iraq, and so created an excess that could be skimmed off by the Iraqi officials, and the UN and French officials alleged to have connived in the scam, were no better.

“The very fact that Saddam Hussein, the UN and certain members of the Security Council could conceal such a scam from the world should send shivers down the spine of everyone in this room,” Hankes-Drielsma told a meeting of US politicians.

And that’s to say nothing of those infamous, and apparently well-concealed, weapons of mass destruction…’

Posted: 22nd, April 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

The Forsyth Saga

‘GIL Scott-Heron was wrong – the revolution will be televised. And we will avidly watch it on the BBC.

‘A real bobby-dazzler!’

The Guardian has seen a report by new media regulator Ofcom and noticed that, in a survey of 6,000 households, whereas more than 90% thought arts and religious programmes were ‘of no importance to society’, only 30% thought the same of news programmes.

The result is that public service broadcasting is going to have to find an innovative way to get the people to watch shows with an artistic or religious bent ‘that is serous in intent but accessible in style’.

And since public service broadcasting means the BBC, that means more shows like Great Britons, Restoration and the Big Read. And if they can be presented by a trendy vicar, so much the better.

But that still may not be enough, and the Times says that the licence fee may be shared around a little, allowing a wide range of broadcasters to bid for the funds available.

The BBC needs to respond with vigour if it is to retain its unique position in broadcasting.

And to the people at the top that means an emergency call to Bruce Forsyth.

Brucie is to front the return of Come Dancing, now called Strictly Come Dancing, which replaces the amateur performers with Z-list celebrities.

So take your seats, pick up your fiddle and play along as Claire Sweeney does the Macarena with David Dickinson, and the BBC’s future goes up in smoke…’

Posted: 22nd, April 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

The Mobile Generation

‘JUST as our viewing habits and attitudes to Tony Blair are changing, so too are our lifestyles.

Phone boxes were very popular in the days before mobiles

The Independent says that, owing to the popularity of mobile phones, we no longer use public phone boxes that much.

So yesterday, BT announced that it is to increase the minimum charge of a call made from one of its phone boxes by 50% and remove 10,000 of them from the streets over the next 18 months.

This is bad news for those of you with no mobile (or no signal), and even worse news for tramps on cold winter nights and anyone busting for a leak but too shy to let it flow in the street.

But let’s not be too upset, because the mobile phone has if nothing else made more of us mobile.

Whereas we used to stand still to talk, we now walk around, often bumping into other people and so getting into calorie-burning arguments.

And this fashion for moving has not escaped the eyes of the McDonald’s corporation, which, the Telegraph says, plans to include a pedometer with each Happy Meal.

This device should not be eaten, even if it does taste better than the actual burger, but clipped to the waist (or failing finding that, the third roll of fat).

The pedometer will then measure how many steps the wearer takes as they talk on the mobiles and make the short walk from the McDonald’s delivery stations to the table.

Diners will need to keep moving for five and a half hours to burn off the fat and sugar content of said meal.

But you’ll feel better for it, especially if your route takes in the toilet or one of those few remaining phone boxes…’

Posted: 22nd, April 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Into Europe Backwards

”I CAN only go one way. I’ve not got a reverse gear.’

‘I’m a pretty straight kind of guy’

No Spanish tank, our Tony; more a non-functioning British one that gets to the front line and then jams at the moment of truth.

Until yesterday Tony Blair had been driving Britain full steam ahead towards acceptance of the European Constitution.

Tony had only to lift his pen and sign on the dotted line for Britain to have, in effect, a new set of governing rules. The decision had been made.

But now things have changed. Now, as the Guardian tells us, Britain will accept the EU constitution only if the people demand it.

‘It’s time to resolve once and for all whether this country wants to be at the heart of European decision-making or not,’ said Tony in the Commons yesterday.

‘Let the Eurosceptics…make their case. Let those of us who believe in Britain in Europe because, above all, we believe in Britain, make ours. Let issues be put. Let battle commence.’

Hang your head in shame, Henry V. Once more into the breach and all that has nothing on our Tony, whose call to arms demands that those who believe in Britain march into the fray backwards.

Unhappily for Tony, Her Majesty’s Opposition is armed to the teeth. And yesterday, its leader, Michael Howard, showed his pearly whites in a broad smile as he repelled Tony’s attack.

‘Six months ago,’ he said, ‘the Prime Minister told his party with all the lip-quivering intensity for which he has become famous: ‘I can only go one way. I’ve got no reverse gear.’

‘Today you can hear the gears grinding as he came before us, lips quivering once again, to eat all those words.’

Howard then, according to the Telegraph, dubbed Blair ‘The Grand Old Duke of Spin’, marching his party’s MPs up to the top of the hill (they voted against a referendum just three weeks ago), before marching them back down again.

The name calling is not without its merits, but Howard may like to note that whereas the Duke of York, on whom he based his Duke of Spin, had 10,000 men, Tony’s happy band is just 319 strong.

Which may not be enough to win the day when the votes are counted…’

Posted: 21st, April 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Screen Tests

‘TONY Blair may yet win the day and we the people may yet vote in favour of Britain’s acceptance of the European constitution.

‘Q1: Fill in the blanks: ‘******* your ****, feeling you **** deep down my ******.’

Such is the high level of voter apathy that, should those 319 Labour MPs vote in support of the Government, the verdict could be landslide victory for Tony’s ‘Yes’ campaign.

However, it could all go horribly wrong for Tony if voting were made easier, especially if voters were able to cast votes online.

And do not think it will not happen. The Internet revolution is gathering pace, affecting all aspects of our lives.

And today the Guardian reports that it might now bring about the end of the pen and ink exam.

The phrase ‘You may turn over your paper now’ could be a thing of the past should the head of the Government’s exam regulator, Ken Boston, prove to be right.

‘On-screen assessment will shortly touch the life of every learner in this country,’ he told a London conference into such matters.

‘The well-worn rhythms of the school year, which have existed for decades, would be challenged by assessment on demand.’

What this means is that you can take your GSCE in Beckham Studies when you are ready and not when someone else says so…’

Posted: 21st, April 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

The Roaring Forties

‘REMEMBER Tony Blair’s Paul Smith suit, the one with the pictures of naked ladies embroidered inside the cuffs?

‘Fuck what I said, it don’t mean shit now’

And remember that time he jammed with a school band on his ‘axe’, sang in front of a gaggle of Chinese students and strapped himself into a rowing machine? Remember Leo?

Great moments, indeed. Times when those of us who like to point and giggle at middle-aged men with sports cars and leather trousers will forever hold dear.

And there are more such moments to come with news in the Times that the mid-life crisis that used to start at 50 now begins at 40-something.

In a survey of 500 men aged between 35 and 64, a quarter of men in their 40s said they felt old and two-thirds said they felt under the same pressure as women to look good and stay youthful.

But whereas Tony and his ilk will join a gym and buy a personalised number plate, this new breed are just as likely to have a body wrap, full facial and a little Botox injected around the mouth.

Professor Cary Cooper, a psychologist, tells the Telegraph why.

‘Once they are at the top of their field,’ he says, ‘they have a reality check and realise that work has overwhelmed their life at the cost of their health and looks.’

Although it’s nothing a new secretary can’t fix…’

Posted: 21st, April 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

The Poodle’s Balls

‘AS he languishes in a vault below the enchanted castle at Disney World, Saddam Hussein could do a lot worse than pick up a pen and begin to write.

‘The right one’s just about this big’

While we grow ever more sceptical about the skewed images afforded by the television set, anything put in pen and ink is treated with reverence.

The book of the day has been penned by Bob Woodward, who rose to prominence as one half of the journalistic team that busted open the Nixon administration with the Watergate Scandal.

Now he’s back with a new work. Entitled Plan Of Attack, the book promises to lift the lid on the White House’s covert drive for war in Iraq.

The Telegraph thinks this is important enough to stick on its front page, even reproducing a shot of the book’s cover with its illustration of President Bush and his happy clappy band in profile.

Give them each a card number (and what price Bush the Joker?) and this looks like a call to get every one of the Bush team one by one.

This confusing of positions, in which the tables are turned on the Americans, is continued inside the book when Woodward alleges that an Arab power planned to interfere with the election of the American regime.

Woodward alleges that the Saudis offered to reduce oil prices in an effort to boost Bush’s chances of winning a second term in office.

This the Saudis deny. But since it’s in black and white, we are forced to pore over its meaning and validity.

But perhaps the biggest shock of all will be felt by those who have bought into the image of Blair as Bush’s poodle.

Woodward claims that Blair was ‘key’ to the Iraq invasion. ‘He was the partner,’ he writes, ‘a driving force in all of it.’

Indeed, such is Bush’s admiration for Blair that he is said to have once turned to the pugnacious Alastair Campbell and said: ‘Your man has got cojones.’

That’s the Spanish for balls. And whether the comment was sparked by the way Tony was sitting or not, it seems a good word to end on.’

Posted: 20th, April 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Suburban Sprawl

‘BOB Woodward’s claims will be debated in the corridors of power and nattered over in the dining rooms of the suburban masses.

The Swinging Suburbs

Over Tesco’s own-brand wine and Jamie Oliver recipes, Abigail and Lawrence will turn to Hyacinth and Richard and fret over what the war in Iraq will mean for the price of their property and for Richard’s asthma.

It’s the type of conversation so beloved by BBC sitcom writers, and now students at Kingston University, who can investigate such exchanges in a new seat of learning.

The Guardian say that the new Centre For Suburban Studies will, in the words of joint head Vesna Goldsworth, ‘redefine the suburb’.

‘In this country, the city and countryside have their interpreters and defenders, but suburbia is not really represented,’ she says.

She goes on to tell the Independent that suburban life is too often patronised and pitied. ‘I see Britain’s relationship with suburbia as the love that dare not speak its name.’

And the relationship is already shifting, with the Times’ Robin Young telling us that ‘the suburbs are not some purgatory forced upon us by modern growth’ and were popular with the Romans.

That was until an Asian family moved in down the street, forcing the Romans to lower their house price for a quick sale and opt for a new life in Italy…’

Posted: 20th, April 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

The Squeak Box

‘HAVING heard David Beckham speak, we were none to surprised that, when it came to phone sex, Rebecca Loos preferred to communicate with her lover by text message.

Dr Sataloff’s David Beckham impression accounts for yet another mirror

One word from Dave and her ardour would deflate like a pricked helium balloon.

But now help is at hand. In future, if Day-vid wants to have it off with his PA and cheat on the woman he loves so very much, he can do so verbally.

Not only that but he will leave no evidence, even if his conquest brings along a tape recorder.

The Times says that doctors in America are offering the vocally challenged the chance of a ‘voice-lift’ – which in the case of Day-vid Beckham’s would make him audible only to dogs.

But for the elderly, the voice lift offers the chance to remove what Dr Robert Thayer Sataloff, of Philadelphia’s Graduate Hospital, calls ‘the tremor’.

For a few thousand dollars, doctors will insert implants through a hole made in your neck, or feed you fat, collagen or an intriguingly named substance called hydroxyl appetite.

After a mere few weeks, the patient can speak without sounding like they’re being shaken to within an inch of death.

Alternatively, you could just cheat on your wife and invite her to kick you in those Blairite cojones…’

Posted: 20th, April 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

About Face!

‘CHANGING direction in midstream is a dangerously unsettling move.

How many gears are there on a Spanish tank?

The Telegraph’s story that the newly elected Spanish Prime Minister, Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero, has ordered the immediate return of all his country’s troops from Iraq comes as a blow to American and British plans.

The paper hears Spain’s Foreign Minister, Miguel Angel Moriantos, tell an audience in Egypt that the withdrawal might be completed in just 15 days, although the Times says Spanish military sources propose a more sedate one or two months.

Whatever the exact schedule, the decision to abandon the cause has been made, and the US-led coalition will be damaged by Spain’s removal.

But is the Spanish Government weak in acting so after the terrible terrorist bombing of its country or brave in reversing the former administration’s commitment to Iraq?

It’s hard to see honour in leaving your allies when the going gets tough, whether your conscience has been pricked or not.

But can the same be said of individuals, like the two American soldiers who the Telegraph notes have fled their units rather than be airlifted to the Middle East?

“Just because you sign a contract, that doesn’t mean you abdicate the right to be a moral human being,” says Jeremy Hinzman, who should have read the terms of employment more closely before making his mark.

“If you know that an order is unjust, it’s your duty to disobey it.”

His 18-year-old cohort, Brandon Hughey, put things in stronger terms.

“This is a war based on lies,” says he.

But isn’t truth the first casualty of any war?

That’s something Private Hughey can consider as he sits as far away from action of any sort as it’s possible to get. He and Hinzman have fled to Canada.’

Posted: 19th, April 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Vote Farce

‘LISTEN very carefully, because Tony Blair will say this only once.

‘So that’s three votes for the new EU constitution’

No need to say it three times, like that famous mantra to “education, education, education”, since the message is unequivocal first time round.

“There will not be a referendum,” said Tony back in October 2003.

Did everyone understand that? The Independent hopes we all realise that Tony Blair is committed to not giving the British people a vote on the proposed European Union constitution.

For those slower than most, the Indy recalls some more Blair bon mots from that same month.

“There is a proper place where this constitution can be debated,” said Tony. “It is Parliament.”

Bravo! That’s a decision made, and it’s one fearless Tony reached without any consultation with George Bush or his good lady wife.

But earlier this month, Tony was forced to suffer the fools that failed to grasp his clear meaning and restated his intent.

“Our policy has not changed,” he said, “and if there is any question of it changing I can assure you we will tell you.”

And that is why later this week, the Guardian reports on its front page, Tony will tell us that things have indeed changed.

Tony will tell us that there will be a referendum on Britain’s place in Europe after all, and that it is the right and proper thing to do.

The paper was tuned into BBC Radio 4’s The World This Weekend the other day and heard John Prescott, the deputy prime minister, say how things have changed.

“We do consult the people where we think it is justified and necessary,” said Prezza.

“The Prime Minister has said he is listening to the argument as it goes on. It appears to be changing even during the process of negotiation.”

In other words, whether there is a referendum or not, Tony will be able to say he kept his word. A real stand-up guy indeed.’

Posted: 19th, April 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Non-Vegetable Curry

‘SUCH is Tony Blair’s U-turn on the Euro-referendum that we medical types fear for his state of mind.

Just what the doctor ordered

Might it be that Tony is less the opportunistic operator, the grinning salesman who moves only when it is expedient to do so, and more the victim of some loss of mind?

So, in the spirit of healing, we direct the PM’s shiny-eyed gaze to the Times’ front page and the paper’s story on how curry keeps Alzheimer’s at bay.

Research by scientists in America and Italy has found that curcumin, a chemical compound found in turmeric, a key ingredient in curry, can defend the brain from neurodegenerative disease.

Scientists in Rusholme and Brick Lane will be conducting their own investigations into the benefits of a good blow-out very soon.

And Anorak will be hosting a similar study at the Raj Poot tonight to see if the right combination of cumin and lager can protect against other illness.

Although, thanks to the sterling work of medical marvel Earnest Saunders, we already know that the Alzheimer-busting powers of a Guinness are hard to beat.’

Posted: 19th, April 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Violent Means

‘THE White House’s obsession with Iraq in the aftermath of 9/11 has always been somewhat bizarre, given that most of the hijackers were from Saudi Arabia.

‘Can I do a rap with Posh next time?’

That is, of course, until you scratch the surface and realise the extent of the contacts between President Bush and his coterie and the House of Saud.

But the faces of two Saudis dominate the front page of this morning’s Telegraph.

The first belongs to a certain Osama Bin Laden, who yesterday released a tape in which he offered Europe a truce if it abandoned its alliance with America.

The terms were, says the paper, “clearly designed to drive a wedge between Europe and America”.

They were immediately rejected as “absurd” by the Europeans, but one doesn’t suppose Bin Laden will be too concerned.

After all, the White House is doing a pretty good job driving a wedge between the two continents as it is.

The second Saudi face belongs to Rania al-Baz, a TV presenter who was beaten unconscious by her husband because he was furious that she answered the telephone.

Domestic violence happens of course in every country in the world, but the paper says Rania allowed pictures of her severely battered face to be published to break the taboo on domestic violence in the kingdom.

“I want to use what happened to me to draw attention to the plight of women in Saudi Arabia,” she said.

Dima al-Sulaiman, director of the National Home Health Foundation, said that abuse of women was a common problem in a country where maltreatment starts from childhood.

And Dina Arif said: “Saudi men think that violent behaviour is the way to solve problems.”

The same could be said about their friends in Washington.’

Posted: 16th, April 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Going For Gold

‘ALONG with the rest of the world, we are very much looking forward to this summer’s Olympic Games in Athens.

‘Drop the flame or we’ll shoot!’

We are hopeful that the British team will excel at such traditional events such as Hod-Carrying, Scaffolding, Bricklaying etc.

But the news in the Times is that the Greeks are trying to stop our team even entering one event – the Shoot A Terrorist competition.

The Greek government has apparently insisted that it will be the only team taking part in this particular discipline and is refusing to allow any armed foreign police on its territory.

The United States, Israel and other countries all want to enter teams for the event because they think they might be a bit better at it than the Greeks.

The Times says the Brits are one of seven countries that have been training the Greek counter-terrorist team, but so far the exercises have been “shambolic”.

On the brighter side, there is a limit to the physical damage any terrorist attack can cause as most of the Olympic venues look like bombsites anyway.’

Posted: 16th, April 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

With Friends Like US

‘WITH friends like George Bush, you wonder that Tony Blair needs enemies.

‘He’ll have what I’m having’

And the papers are not short of advice of what the British prime minister should tell his mate when they meet later today.

Even Blairites are having to admit that the US president’s decision to endorse Israel’s plan effectively to rewrite the Middle East “road map” in their favour is a personal setback for the PM.

And Blair is expected to tell his “friend” that Britain cannot sign up to Ariel Sharon’s plan, which has already attracted the condemnation of Palestinians, the rest of the Arab world and most of Europe.

Not that that is likely to carry much weight with Bush and his neo-conservative cabal in Washington.

The Guardian reports that, although Britain was consulted in general terms before Wednesday’s announcement that Israel would be allowed to keep large parts of the occupied territories in return for withdrawal from Gaza, it doesn’t appear to have had any input into the decision.

Ed Abington, a former US consul general and now a consultant to the Palestinian Authority, said the Palestinians had made a strong plea to the British to use their influence ahead of Sharon’s visit to Washington.

“Quite clearly,” he said, “the British have no influence or didn’t even try. I suspect they have no influence.”

If Blair has no influence on a President for whom he has put his job on the line in fighting an unpopular war, one wonders if the special relationship isn’t entirely a fiction in the minds of British leaders anxious to punch above their weight on the global stage.

However, if Bush’s announcement of US support for Israel’s repudiation of many months of careful diplomacy is not bad enough, there is also the small matter of Iraq to discuss.

Former foreign secretary Robin Cook, who resigned from the Cabinet over British support for the war, is sure that the political fate of both men depends on pulling that country back from the brink.

And he tells the Independent that Blair must dispense with his normal habit of shrinking from disagreeable exchanges and spell out bluntly to Bush where he has got it wrong.

“It does not help,” he admits, “that George Bush keeps reminding us that he has got the Almighty on his side. This cramps his scope for tactical flexibility, and his statement on Iraq this week exuded the certitude of revealed religion.”

But even the Almighty must realise that the coalition’s tactics in Iraq are not working.

As Cook says, “there is no prospect of his [Bush] leading a successful reconstruction of Iraq so long as he regards large parts of its population as enemies”.

Sadly, the delusion that progress in Iraq can be achieved by military victory regardless of political cost seems to be shared by US military commanders.

And we don’t hold out much hope for Tony Blair’s ability to try to persuade them otherwise…’

Posted: 16th, April 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

EU-Turn

‘TONY Blair may have no reverse gear, but he doesn’t need one when he can change direction with a nifty little handbrake turn whenever required.

No reverse gear, no brakes

Having insisted that he would not hold a referendum on the proposed new European constitution, the Times claims the Prime Minister is planning to, er, hold a referendum on the proposed new European constitution.

The paper says he is being urged by senior ministers and officials to perform ‘one of the biggest policy U-turns of his premiership’ by agreeing to some kind of poll as part of June’s European elections.

By not holding a referendum, the Times says the Government opens itself up to – Heaven forbid! – ‘charges of arrogance’.

By holding a referendum, the Government hopes not only to wrong-foot the Tories, but also to put French president Jacques Chirac in a bit of a pickle.

He has promised that there will be a vote over the constitution in France, but is said to be reluctant to call one in the present political climate.

The British government, meanwhile, is confident that it will be able to persuade the people that they have nothing to fear from the new constitution.

A hard enough prospect as anyone who has ever had the misfortune to read the Daily Mail will understand, and one that is not made easier by the EU itself.

Today, the Times reports that under a new EU law due to come into effect in a couple of years children as old as 11 will have to sit in booster seats when they travel by car.

From May 2006, children under 1.5m (4ft 11in) tall and 36kg (5st 9lb) will have to sit in one of five types of official car seat.

At the moment, 63% of parents stop using child car seats when their kids are six or younger. Around the age they start joyriding…’

Posted: 15th, April 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Slowly Does It

‘THE expression, coined by a previous Labour prime minister, that a lie can be halfway round the world before the truth has got its boots on is not entirely correct.

Ever wondered why President Bush speaks so slowly?

In fact, the opposite may be true, according to research by Dr Aiden Gregg, a research fellow at Southampton University.

He claims that it takes longer to tell a lie than it does to tell the truth – a finding that he says could be adapted by the police to support existing lie detector tests.

However, a closer examination of the facts (as presented in this morning’s Telegraph) raises one or two problems.

For a start, it has only an 85% success rate when dealing with basic statements such as ‘Grass is blue’ and ‘Tigers have spots’.

The British criminal justice system might have its faults, but we suspect a one-in-six chance of delivering the wrong verdict would be acceptable to few people apart from the Home Secretary.

And, for some reason that we have not been able to fathom, it has only been tested on Christians.

Maybe this is because it doesn’t work with atheists, Muslims, Jews, Hindus and Scientologists or maybe we should just work on the assumption that all non-Christians are inveterate liars.

But it does make the practical application of Dr Gregg’s findings even more problematic.

To determine whether the system works, the first question should be: ‘Are you a Christian?’

However, if a non-believer answers ‘Yes’, how do we know if he or she is lying?’

Posted: 15th, April 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Tourist Trap

‘WHEN Americans talk about an ‘English smile’, it is not usually a compliment.

‘Zis is for Agincourt et Waterloo et Jeanne d’Arc…”

In contrast to their shiny white ivories, our mouths often resemble disused graveyards with tombstones sprouting from the ground at all angles and in various stages of disrepair.

But that is all soon to change – in future, the Yanks will have to refer to the contents of our mouths as a ‘French smile’ or a ‘Freedom smile’ as it’ll be known if President Bush – God forbid! – wins another term of office.

The Indy reports that such is the shortage of NHS dentists in this country that an Isle of Wight councillor is organising trips to France in an attempt to find affordable dentistry.

Bernard Buckle, who is calling his project The Tooth Ferry, says the cost of a private filling in France was 20 euros (£13.34), compared with £50 here.

‘There is greater competition for trade between dentists in France,’ he explains, ‘and they get much larger government subsidies.’

This practice of taking advantage of subsidies funded by someone else’s taxes has a name – it’s ‘health tourism’.

But of course it’s completely different when we are the tourists, not the attraction.’

Posted: 15th, April 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Driven To Distraction

‘IT is not known what was in the tape player in Princess Diana’s car when it careered out of control and into the wall of the Pont de l’Alma tunnel in Paris.

‘Okay, so that’s Norah Jones followed by the Sugababes’

Knowing the Queen of Hearts, it was most probably Chris De Burgh’s Lady In Red, Phil Collins’ Against All Odds or even – and this would be ironic – Elton John’s Candle In The Wind.

But then again maybe it was Wagner’s The Ride Of The Valkyries, confirmed this morning by the RAC Foundation as the most dangerous piece of music to listen to while driving.

According to the Times, Canadian researchers have discovered that motorists who listen to music on their car stereos at high volume, particularly tracks above 60bpm, run a high risk of an accident.

Second to Wagner (and, one suspects, more prevalent in the mean streets of south London) is the Prodigy’s Firestarter, followed by Basement Jaxx’s Red Alert, Faithless’ Insomnia and Verdi’s Dies Irae.

The researchers gave people physical and mental tasks to perform while listening to music varying from 53 decibels (the noise of a normal office environment) to 95 decibels (the noise of a working oilrig).

At higher noise levels, reaction times decreased significantly, as did speed of decision-making.

Consultant psychologist Conrad King said the findings suggested that motorists should be careful in choosing what music they listened to when in the car.

‘It doesn’t matter if you listen to opera, classical or the latest rave music,’ he tells the Times. ‘It’s the speed of the beat that counts.’

For instance, in that famous scene in Apocalypse Now, Kilgore would have been better advised to have had Gary Jules’s cover of Mad World or Lemar’s Another Day blasting out of the helicopters as they landed on the beach in Vietnam…’

Posted: 14th, April 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Hoodwinked

‘ON the subject of car crashes and Princess Diana, it is worth remembering that, if William Hague had had his way, Heathrow Airport would now be Princess Diana International.

Robin of Scunthorpe

The practice of naming airports after people is of course widespread across the world, most famously perhaps JFK in New York.

Generally, the rule is that the person in question should be dead and that he or she should have some connection with the area served by the airport that is to bear his or her name.

Thus, Liverpool decided to rename its Speke airport after John Lennon who qualifies on both counts – namely, being dead and from the city.

But all rules are made to be broken so, when the powers that be were looking for a name to call the new Doncaster Sheffield airport, they decided to borrow one.

The Guardian reports that the £80m airport on the site of a former RAF station will henceforth be known as Robin Hood Doncaster Sheffield airport – ‘much to the bafflement of people 41 miles away in Nottingham’.

‘It isn’t the awkward name they object to,’ explains the paper. ‘It’s the appropriation of their most famous son.’

Ian Walker, chief executive of the Tales Of Robin Hood attraction near Nottingham castle, said he hooted with laughter when he heard the name.

But added: ‘It is sad that people in other parts of the country do not use their own local heroes or legends rather than trying to adopt, hijack or pinch ours.’

The excuse for the name seems to be that Robin Hood was believed to have spent some time in the Doncaster area.

In which case, it is surely only a matter of time before Glasgow Prestwick airport is renamed Elvis Presley Airport because the King Of Rock ‘n’ Roll had a two-hour stopover there in March 1960.’

Posted: 14th, April 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Club Dead

‘THERE are few sights more guaranteed to turn people’s stomach than the mass seal cull currently taking place in Canada.

Bloody cruelty

And readers of the Independent can be excused if they don’t feel much like breakfast this morning after looking at the paper’s front-page picture of blood-drenched snow.

Anti-cull campaigners claim that the Canadian authorities have deliberately prevented the media or independent observers from witnessing the slaughter because they are aware of the controversy it generates.

But Rebecca Aldworth, a woman who grew up in a Newfoundland fishing village, describes what it is like.

‘There is blood everywhere,’ she says. ‘Every few feet as you walk across the ice, you pass by large pools of blood and carcasses lined up in open graves.

‘Their eyes stare up at you. It’s a dirty little secret the Canadian government doesn’t want you to know.’

Maybe, this is what members of a group called the Captive Animals Protection Society should be protesting about, instead of the Easter Monday demonstration they held outside Colchester Zoo.

The Telegraph reports that one woman among the 15 protesters made so much noise yelling through a loudspeaker that she caused five young sea lions to become distressed.

And – in a delicious irony – the zoo called in the police who are now investigating for causing unnecessary suffering to animals under the 1911 Protection Of Animals Act.’

Posted: 14th, April 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment