Survival Instinct

‘WITH a record like that, it is no wonder that Tony Blair is proud to call President Bush a friend.

The Ugly Rumours were big in Iraq

But even he can surely only marvel at how his Texan chum can boast a favourable poll rating when he has been such a divisive – and often disastrous – President.

The US administration may have lied through its teeth about the reason for going to war with Iraq (such as the absurd notion that Saddam Hussein and Al-Qaeda were somehow in cahoots), but no-one really seems to care.

Blair, on the other hand, may have ‘sexed up’ a dossier outlining the threat posed by the Iraqi regime and he is fighting for his very survival.

According to a poll in this morning’s Guardian, almost half of all voters believe the Prime Minister lied when he said he did not authorise the leaking of Dr David Kelly’s name to the media.

And nearly two-thirds of all voters think he should resign if Lord Hutton’s report arrives at the same conclusion.

Nor is the news much better over university top-up fees, with 60% of the public instinctively opposed and 85% believing that it will lead to fewer people going on to higher education.

However, one grain of comfort for the embattled Mr Blair comes in the Times, which reports that the OECD has backed the plans as ‘essential’ and ‘commendable’.

And, in its annual review of the British economy (a draft of which has been seen by the paper), it holds out the scheme as a role model for other European economies.

In a model of understatement last night, the PM admitted that he was going through ‘a difficult time’, but added: ‘I believe I will survive.’

Oh, as long as I know how to lie…’

Posted: 20th, January 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Wilde Accusations

”TO lose one parent, Mr Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune,’ wrote Oscar Wilde in The Importance Of Being Earnest. ‘To lose both looks like carelessness.’

‘Who has been trying to kill you?’ ‘Mama’

But little can he have expected that just over a century later, a variation on this principle would have resulted in more than 250 parents being convicted of killing their children.

For the now discredited Professor Roy Meadow approach to cot death is not much more than an extension of an Oscar Wilde aphorism.

To lose one baby may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose two looks like carelessness; to lose three is murder.

The Telegraph hears the Court of Appeal yesterday suggest that the authorities should stop prosecuting parents when expert defence testimony pointed to the possibility of cot death.

As the brilliantly named Lord Justice Judge pointed out, medical science is still at the frontiers of knowledge concerning Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, and in many cases the experts have no idea why a baby died.

‘Yet for many years,’ it says, ‘experts paid by the prosecution have expounded their pet theories in the witness box, leading juries to believe that they are explaining proven science.’

As Oscar Wilde also said, ‘the pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple’.’

Posted: 20th, January 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Love Thy (White) Neighbour

‘NOW, don’t you think that if God had really meant for us to “love thy neighbour as thyself”, he would have included it among the Ten Commandments.

”Just ‘cos they’ve got a boat, they think they’re better than the rest of us”

He got adultery in there; he got all that stuff about coveting your neighbour’s ass; he forbade us to worship graven images; and he instructs us to be nice to our mums and dads.

But there’s no mention of loving thy neighbour until years later when his son, Jesus Christ, suddenly plucks another couple of commandments out of the blue.

Well, excuse us. It’s hard enough trying to obey the original ten and they’re pretty clear. Thou Shalt Not Kill. Thou Shalt Not Steal.

How are we supposed to feel when any Tom, Dick or Messiah can come along and make up more of his own?

“Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind,” he says. “That is the first and great commandment.”

Actually, it’s the eleventh, but we’ll let that pass for now.

“And the second is like unto it,” he continues, “Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.”

OK, so now we’ve got 12 commandments; only 10 of them are written on tablets of stone (the other two are just scribbled on the back of a bit of papyrus); the numbering system’s confused; and – let’s face it – the newest ones are a bit wishy-washy.

All of which is a long digression by way of introduction to this morning’s story in the Guardian that, while we’re happy to love our neighbour, we’d prefer it is they weren’t black. Or Asian.

A survey to be published this week has discovered that 39% of white Britons would prefer to live in an area only with people from the same ethnic backgrounds.

Race and immigration is now the third most important concern for people behind health and education, with 29% of people registering it as their most important.

Almost one in five people believes that immigration is responsible for a loss of community spirit.

And of the 45% of respondents who felt they were treated like second class citizens by the welfare state, 39% blame asylum seekers and new immigrants.

“We have overestimated the progress we have made in race and immigration issues,” says Bobby Duffy, research director at Mori.

However, ignorance is to blame for many of the more intolerant opinions, which are disproportionately views held by older people.

For instance, Brits think that first-generation immigrants comprise 23% of the population, when the real figure is just 6%.

Having said that, 30% of the British population think that Princess Diana was murdered, 19% think that Elvis is still alive and a few people would like the BBC to bring back Kilroy.’

Posted: 19th, January 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

School’s Out

‘LAST week, we told you about the train companies that were improving punctuality by altering the timetable so that late trains would in future be on time.

Do not try this at home

Well, this morning we are glad to see similar thinking applied to the problem of truancy.

The Times reports that primary schools could abandon afternoon classes and let children go home at lunchtime if a pilot experiment is successful.

The idea, the paper says, was put forward after a strike by support staff in London meant school could only open for half a day.

“Teachers found that not only did attention and behaviour improve,” the paper says, “but attendance also went up.”

Of course, it stands to reason that the fewer classes there are to miss, the lower the instance of truancy will be.

If the Government is serious about cutting truancy figures, it knows what it has to do – scrap school altogether.

The Times reports that morning-only teaching, which is the norm in Germany, Italy and Canada, would also help to relieve congested roads.

But not as much as no school at all would…’

Posted: 19th, January 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Taking Pot Luck

‘CHILDREN who plan to celebrate the new morning-only school timetable by spending their afternoons hanging round amusement arcades smoking spliff, beware.

The Government’s new leaflet proves to be more than useful

The Independent reports that many of the country’s police forces plan to ignore new laws to downgrade the possession of cannabis.

Under the new law, possession should no longer be an arrestable offence except in aggravated cases, such as smoking outside schools.

People who are caught smoking should be warned and their weed confiscated.

However, according to the Indy, six out of the 20 forces in the country intend to continue arresting people or issuing them with a caution if they are caught in the company of Mary Jane.

The six areas in which PC Plod knows best are Bedfordshire, Cleveland, Lancashire, Northamptonshire, Avon & Somerset and Lincolnshire.

The Indy says that from this week the Government will be spending £1m on radio adverts and leaflets to tell young people about the changes in the law.

We at Anorak advise you all to get your hands on one of the leaflets – they make very good roaches.’

Posted: 19th, January 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

A Day In The Life

‘TONY Blair’s baggy eyes stare blankly from the front page of the Guardian. Tony looks into the future and he sees, as the paper sees, that he is approaching his date with destiny.

‘I can’t see Toni winning the next election’

In “24 hours in the life or death of a premiership”, the paper notes how Lord Hutton is to release his report into the death of Dr David Kelly the day after MPs vote on student grants and fees.

The Times also leads with the story of Tony’s congested diary, agreeing that these will be the “24 hours that will decide whether he [Tony] is Prime Minister at the time of the next general election”.

Tony’s days appear to be numbered; and they are numbered at one.

But if only he could turn back the clock. If only Tony could resuscitate the breathless feeling of excitement and love when he showed baby Leo to the watching press, when he wandered out of No.10 with his mug of tea in hand and stripped off his jacket to show off his sopping wet armpits.

Now all he has, in the opinion of the watching Independent, is “patchy colour with shiny bits”. The paper’s Simon Carr has noticed a perceptible shift in the PM’s appearance.

“The upper bit was as stiff as a stiff upper lip,” he writes. “It was so stiff I was thinking Botox. It was the upper lip of a Thunderbird puppet.”

And we know what happened to Thunderbirds…boy, did they ever go!

But what about Botox? After all, a little trout pout never hurt anyone.

Granted it did make actress Leslie Ash a laughing stock, but a strong political operator like Tony could take any criticism on his remodelled chin.

But if Tony is considering a little nip ‘n’ tuck, he should consult Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi.

The perma-tanned, diminutive leader has, the Times reports, undergone plastic surgery to reinvigorate his flagging features.

Three weeks ago, Berlusconi disappeared from public life. Some thought he was ill, others thought he was dead, a few suspected he was holidaying in Germany.

But yesterday the rumours ended when his doctor reported that the media mogul had undergone a little surgery around his eyes.

Although shocking to some, the Times is swift to state that Berlusconi’s date with the surgeon’s blade will not “raise eyebrows in Italy”.

And if Tony goes for the full facelift, it will not raise eyebrows in No.10 either.’

Posted: 16th, January 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Grave Concerns

‘SUCH has been the relentless rise in property prices that the Government is looking at ways to redevelop graves.

Wanted: non-smoking, prof., clean and tidy lodger; must be dead. Reply to G. Reaper…

The compact and bijou six-foot deep holes, with in-built worm farms and genuine wooden frames, are about to get some new residents.

That, according to the Times, is if the Government has its way. Paul Goggins, the Home Office minister, is looking at ways to reuse existing graves.

The preferred method is to exhume any remains left in a grave and re-inter them deeper in the same plot, so producing a maisonette where a bungalow once lay.

The Telegraph takes up the story, explaining how the “lift and deepen” plan will enable many more of us to be buried in cemeteries when he die.

Graves will no longer be fine and private places, but as busy and well–populated as any city, with apartments for all at different levels.

And this gets us thinking. If you could share a grave, whom would you like to share yours with?

Will men like to rest for all eternity (or at least until that are dug up) on top of, say, Diana Dors or the woman they always fancied but never dared to ask out?

Will men enjoy sharing intimate space with dashing actors, like Richard Burton?

Will there auctions where bidders use their dying breath to say how much they would pay to go to bed with a dead Beatle – for ever?

We hope so. And so we launch our “Grave Mate” challenge.

The best suggestion will get the grave mate of their choice (or a hastily-murdered professional look-alike), while the ten runners-up will get to go on top…’

Posted: 16th, January 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Sign Of The Times

‘WHEN you do die, try not to travel to the low-rise cemetery by train lest you be late for your own funeral.

Live train cam

The rail network is in a mess. Trains run late, stations fall apart as if hit by an earthquake and the staff are the reincarnation of Hitler’s Herrenvolk.

But things are set to change. And they are to change for the better.

The Telegraph reports that John Conway, head of operational planning at Network Rail, has come up with a great scheme to ensure all trains run on time.

No, it does not involve making them leave on time and run at the designated speeds. No, it does not mean that the driver has to run red lights.

The plan is fiendish in its simplicity. You simply reissue a new timetable in which a couple of minutes have been added onto each journey time.

Graham Eccles, head of rail at Stagecoach, calls the idea “interesting”, although he concedes that it’s best to “wait for the detailed outputs from the timetable review” before making any judgement.

A senior figure in the rail industry simply says: “If the railways are going to improve their performances by changing the figures, God help us.”

It is indeed hard to fault the plan. If a train adheres to the old timetable, it might be early and, if it runs to the new, it is not late but bang on time.

It’s genius, but we’ve got an even better idea. Why not just replace the timetables with a sign saying, “We Will Get There When We Get There”.

That way everyone will be as happy as a train driver working to rule…’

Posted: 16th, January 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

To Boldly Go

‘LIKE large parts of Texas, the moon is covered in dust, is inhospitable to human life and is a land far removed from this world.

”How far to Houston?”

So Texan George Bush wants to go there, or at least he wants to send American astronauts to Earth’s one non-US made satellite in a new Nasa spacecraft known as the Crew Exploration Vehicle.

The CEV – which sounds like a new Honda rather than the last word in space travel – will, according to the Guardian, be at the vanguard of what Bush calls the spirit of ”continued exploration…seeking new horizons”.

If that sounds a little Star Trek in tone and language, then rest assured it is probably meant to be. And for Trekkies everywhere, here’s some more of Bush’s speech, courtesy of special guest star, the Independent.

”We will build new ships to carry man forward into the universe, to gain a new foothold on the moon, and prepare for new journeys to the world beyond our own.”

This might translate in some quarters of the White House (and all five corners of the Pentagon) as ”Let’s attack the moon!”

But why stop at the moon? If Bush has heard that Mars is the ”red planet”, he might well be planning a pre-emptive strike to let those commies know who’s the boss.

It’s an interesting thought, especially since Bush is indeed planning a project to land men on Mars, but only after he’s started work on building a permanent base on the moon.

Just listen: ”[An extended presence on the moon] will enable astronauts to develop new technologies and harness the moon’s abundant resources to allow manned exploration of more challenging environments.”

As well as creating the country’s official 51st state (sorry, Tony), it will of course afford George a terrific vantage point from which to shoot at bad people down here on Earth.’

Posted: 15th, January 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

The Bullet Plane

‘WHAT kind of security will be in place for trips to the new Pepsi Moon Experience is not known, but we trust it’ll be better than what’s in place on America’s international flights.

”Anyone got ammo for a Glock .357?”

The Independent relates how a Sudanese man is being questioned in London after arriving on a flight from Washington with four or five what appear to be live bullets on his person.

The shock bigger than this is that the man, who was due to transfer at Heathrow for a flight to Dubai, is not an undercover reporter working for one of the tabloids.

(Note to man’s lawyers: That still remains his best line of defence and Anorak is happy to provide the necessary accreditation for the appropriate fee.)

It is, however, a worry how with all the added security in place a passenger can wander onto an aircraft with a load of bullets, especially one travelling from Washington DC, that hot-bed of American politics.

But not to fret because a spokesman for Virgin, on whose plane the suspect travelled, says: ”The items did not pose a threat to our aircraft.” No, just to your passengers.

It is all delightfully embarrassing for the Americans who, as the paper reminds us, have been questioning the security measures operated by foreign airlines.

Indeed, the Americans are still insisting that all planes to the US carry a so-called sky marshal, who will be armed to the teeth and able to prevent disaster at a moment’s notice.

And the great news is that if our saviour in the skies runs out of bullets in the middle of a shooting spree, he can always ask the passengers if they’ve got any to spare.’

Posted: 15th, January 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

If You Can’t Beat ‘Em

‘WE are pretty certain that the swarthy man arrested at Heathrow Airport with bullets in his pocket is not Robert Kilroy-Silk.

Mohammed Kamal Mustafa

Although dark and tanned in appearance, Kilroy is in actual fact naturally pink of hue; he has also never knowingly been an Arab.

Indeed, Kilroy’s knowledge of Arabs is pretty dire and, as the Times reports, some poor soul at the BBC is watching past tapes of his talk show to see if his views on other religions, creeds and colours are equally as ignorant.

In looking at Kilroy’s old shows, it could mean that some more good may come of this, other than just the removal of the non-Arab former MP from our TV screens.

Forced actually to watch the stuff it broadcasts, the Beeb might come to its senses and create some more interesting shows.

And may we humbly suggest ”How to beat your wife and get away with it”.

But before you congratulate us, and a commissioning editor hands us sackfuls of cash and hires Roddy Doyle to write the script, we confess that it is not our idea.

It’s the headline that appears in today’s Telegraph. And Mr Doyle can hold his quill because the script has already been written by a certain Mohammed Kamal Mustafa.

In his book, Women In Islam, Mustafa writes that verbal warnings followed by a period of sexual inactivity could be used to admonish a stray wife.

If that fails (and looking at Mustafa, it can only lead to a very prolonged silence), you should hit her.

”The blows should be concentrated on the hands and feet using a rod that is thin and light so that it does not leave scars or bruises on the body,” he writes.

If the BBC wish to pick up the format for an upcoming TV series, they will interested to learn that Mustafa, the imam of a mosque in the Spanish resort of Fuengirola, has been fined £1,500 and found guilty of inciting violence against women.

A little notoriety never hurt the viewing figures. And for added sensation, the Beeb might like to employ Kilroy in the role of the preacher.

After all, he is so very good at it. And he has got the tan…’

Posted: 15th, January 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

All Talk And Show

‘CONSIDER yourself lucky. As part of Tony Blair’s Big Conversation, he had planned to write for this publication.

‘Am I still number one?’

But what with the British information superhighway being more of a B road, Tony was forced by the limitations of technology to appear on the radio.

The Telegraph tunes in to hear what DJ Tony has to say. “Right, this is Tony Blair on LBC 97.3 FM taking your calls until 11am,” says Tony.

And so begins an hour-long natter with the fans.

Tess in Uxbridge thinks everyone who has never claimed benefits should get a “no claims bonus” on their pensions. Steve wants council tax to be collected by the Inland Revenue.

The Independent hears Clare, an MP from Birmingham, say she thinks it would be “highly desirable” for the current prime minister to resign before the next election.

“I hope you leave your name and contact number,” says Tony – and that includes you, the Iraqi caller who thinks Tony’s listeners has been misled into war.

“I won’t enter into that argument about whether people were misled or not,“ says Tony, so narrowing the bigness of the Big Conversation.

Another caller, Simon Jenkins, even bothers to write down his points in the Times.

We hear that ”the Prime Minister cannot resist the limelight”.

“Whatever is the business of government must be the business of Mr Blair,” he says. “That way lies madness.”

To that DJ Tony just rattles his jewellery, pulls on his gold lame tracksuit, tugs off his dry brown wig (so revealing his natural bleached-blonde shag) and says that Stoke Manderville Hospital is a shining light in the NHS and that DJ Tony is the one true Caesar…the Geezer.’

Posted: 14th, January 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

The Nifty Fifty

‘WHILE DJ Tony Blair books his ticket to Ibiza, he might like to wonder why he is already out of the running in one popular vote.

‘Call me Tony’

The Independent has seen the runners – and, thanks to the wonders of Viagra, possibly riders as well – in Saga Magazine’s bid to find the 50 wisest over-50s in the UK today.

“There is no doubt about the popularity of this kind of survey,” says a spokeswoman for the magazine, “but they always seem only to recognise factors such as money or sex appeal.

“Wisdom isn’t just about being smart, it is also about experience. We are looking for those with a mixture of brilliance and application.”

Clearly Tony would have topped any poll where the criteria were raw sexual magnetism and wealth. But he’s nowhere on this poll. And neither is Keith Richards.

Tony’s pride at being mentioned in the same breath as his fellow axe-man of rock will be a little dented when he learns that Gordon Brown is on the list, along with fellow politicos Tony Benn and Lord Saatchi.

The Independent goes as far as to say that the list has delivered a “calculated snub” to Tony Blair.

But if true, our Tony surely cares not a jot. It’s water off a duck’s back to him. Only the truly vain and populist would be bothered about not making the list. Eh, Tony…’

Posted: 14th, January 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Bird Watching

‘“WHAT have pheasants ever done to you?”

‘I always found Phil to be a pheasant plucker’

That is the question being directed towards the royal estate at Sandringham by a 10-year-old girl, who remains anonymous, probably for fear of dreadful reprisals.

The Telegraph sees another letter from one of the pupils at St George’s Middle School, situated about a mile from the Queen’s Norfolk home.

“I saw birds spiralling our of the sky and being carried off in the mouths of dogs,” it reports. “Some of the birds were left badly hurt to die.”

Another letter, fully reproduced in the paper, runs: “We are disgusted that hunters were out shooting wildlife in front of our eyes at playtime…It is not right that schoolchildren should have to witness this unfortunate event.”

The unsigned letter is underscored with pictures of four crayon-drawn faces smothered in tears and rage.

The missives do contain a few well-made points (and gold stars for the use of “disgusted”, “unfortunate” and “spiralling”), and have thus achieved their goal.

The response from Sandringham says that the estate is sorry for any distress and that the likes of Prince Philip, who was on the shoot, will not fire their guns during the children’s playtime.

And as for the question as to what pheasants have ever done to you, ask more what you, dear letter writer, can do for pheasants.

And then ask what Tony Blair thinks…’

Posted: 14th, January 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Crime Pays

‘THE message to drivers is that the Government wants you to put your foot on the gas and speed.

Mrs Johnson does her civic duty

A woman in a town 100 or so miles away has been brutally mugged and the Government wants you to chip in to see her right.

So if you could please put your foot on the accelerator when you pass one of the many speed cameras, then that would be most helpful.

The plan is that the £60 speeding fine coming your way will be hiked by an extra fiver, which will be slipped into the victim’s bloodied and bruised paw.

Doing 33mph in a 30mph zone is no longer just a matter of devil-may-care carelessness and criminality – it is a matter of social necessity.

As the Independent says, the Government is finding it hard to raise funds for the Criminal Injuries Compensation Scheme (the bill was £171m last year), so it needs your help.

The new charge is outlined in a Home Office consultation paper, Compensation And Support For Victims Of Crime.

David Blunkett’s office writes: ”We believe that making a small payment towards victims could form an important part of the reparation of an offender.”

How fining speeding motorists does this is questionable. But the plan is to hit all villains, not just mums on the school run and other plagues on human existence.

Anyone convicted and sent to jail will be ordered to pay £30 into the fund.

The burglar will not pay the money straight back to his victim – although they could leave goods to that effect as they flee the scene – but deposit the money into the fund.

There will also be a £5 levy on the fixed penalty £40 fine for being drunk in a public place, the same surcharge as that on the £80 fine for giving a hoax call to the fire brigade.

And there’s an extra £10 to pay for failure to give your driver’s details to police when pulled over for DWB (Driving While Black) and other offences.

So get out there and start breaking the law. Your community, victims and the Government need you and, more importantly, your money.

Go on, hand it over – or else!’

Posted: 13th, January 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Kwik Fixes

‘WHEN you are motoring along at criminal speeds, take care not to career into that enormous lorry pulled up on the hard shoulder.

”Land ahoy!”

It’s not a wagon full of asylum seekers and cocaine, but the last word in medial treatment.

The Independent has a picture of these new mobile operating theatres, each of which carry £1m of equipment and are able to provide cataract operations to 41,000 NHS patients in the next five years.

Readers of the Times also learn that the two trucks are operated by Netcare, billed as Africa’s largest healthcare provider, which owns 45 hospitals in South Africa.

And if the Times is also to be believed, the surgeons on board will wear boiler suits, dance on the spot while holding their instruments in a powerfully suggestive manner and be able to service your car while you wait.

They are, are they not, the staff of a ”Kwik-Fit” style health service running alogde the NHS.

And run along very nicely it will too, since the surgeons’ tools can be used to change tyres and replace an old and worn exhaust while the nurse swabs your windscreen.

And the price for this service? Well, the surgeon will need to suck on a pencil for a moment longer, but his assistant, Lance, assures us that it’s cheaper than the NHS and well worth the effort…’

Posted: 13th, January 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Zero Rated

‘REMOTE controls in the air, all of you who have ever watched any of the BBC’s digital channels. And now hands up, those who did so while in the UK and not in traction.

”Anyone out there?”

So that’s…no-one.

As the Guardian reports on its front page, figures supplied by the Broadcasters’ Audience Research Board reveal that last year BBC News 24 recorded 472 hours of programming officially watched by not one single person.

And it was not alone, so to speak, with 314 hours of the Beeb’s CBBC children’s channel viewed by no-one, not even a truant or a sickly youth bunking off games with a sore throat and a stomach ache.

Other shows with a zero rating include BBC4’s Talk Show, Julie Burchill’s documentary about her father, and all programmes surrounding the Corporation’s Big Read exercise.

In its defence, the Guardian hears BBC analysts say that any research into viewing figures on other digital channels, like ITV2 and Sky Sports, would also reveal shows with a similar zero rating.

Of course, the difference is that we do not have to pay for their funding with our TV licence money.

And Nude Wrestlers Say The Funniest Things was not awful tripe, but just a few years ahead of its time…’

Posted: 13th, January 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Getting The Hump

‘IT’S been a while coming but the Guardian has finally heard from Shafiq Rasul, one of the British detainees being held in Cuba’s Guantanamo Bay.

”You know when you’ve been tangoed”

The letter was written to his brother, Habib, but he has kindly repeated it to the paper.

”Everything’s OK in Guantanamo,” writes Shafiq, in the mode of Allan Sherman. ”It’s just that some of the guards are OK with us, and some are saying things, calling us names like camel rider and raghead.”

The Guardian, like Habib, thinks this is total disgrace. Habib calls the alleged behaviour of the guards ”blatantly racist” and offers the defence, ”he’s never seen a camel in his life”.

Doubtless some listening psychiatrist will latch onto that and say how it was the trauma of never having seen a camel, whether in the Arabian sands or a zoo, that led to Shafiq’s incarceration.

We also doubt that Shafiq has seen many weapons of mass destruction either, especially those shaped like camels; but then neither have we, save for those belonging to our own forces and those of our Allies.

Indeed, in the Independent, Tony Blair can be heard wondering whether such devices of annihilation will ever be found. However, he does consider that claim that Iraq has destroyed all its WMDs as ”palpably absurd”.

Whether this claim is more or less absurd than the earlier claim that we would all be wiped out in 45 minutes or that Tony had no hand in the public naming of Dr David Kelly depends on what angle you take on things.

And if you have ever seen a camel…’

Posted: 12th, January 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Kilroy Was Here

‘DID you know that there are more than four million surveillance cameras taking pictures of our every move?

Coming soon to a solarium near you

The Independent does. The paper, along with The Centre for Criminology Research (which knows about these things), has counted them.

The paper also knows that the popularity of CCTV means that residents of a city like London can be photographed up to 300 times a day.

While this is great news for the likes of Posh Spice and Jordan, to civil liberty groups it is a shocking figure. Indeed, there is now one camera for every 14 people.

But not everyone gets equal billing, and while villains, thugs and muggers get their snaps kept for posterity and even an airing on TV shows like Police Camera Action and Crimewatch, others are tossed in the bottom drawer like so much tat.

And so it is with Robert Kilroy-Silk, who until recently was holding court in his daily discussion programme on the BBC.

He’s now out of shot, having being pulled off air in light of his now infamous remark about Arabs’ contribution to humanity – the one about them being ”suicide bombers, limb amputators, women repressors”.

But he plans to make a comeback soon, when he either returns to his show or holds up a Berkshire sub-post office at around, er, 11:15am tomorrow.

For those seeking a reward for his capture and deportation to Syria, Kilroy-Silk will be the oily one in the headscarf, sitting astride a camel…’

Posted: 12th, January 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Storm Clouds Gather

‘IT’S not said if the photograph of a waterspout lurking off the Welsh coast was taken by a CCTV camera, but whoever is responsible, it does make for a nice shot.

”And here’s its spout…”

So good is it that both the Telegraph and Times have obtained the photograph of the towering column of spiralling air that whipped up the Bristol Channel yesterday, lifting spray 50ft above the sea.

An early Government report, leaked onto the Internet, says that the air was intended to slap into the British mainland, killing us all in a tidal wave of oil, water and immigrants.

But try not to worry because, if that’s true, the water will be useful in putting out the forest fires that one group of Swiss scientists tell the Telegraph are set to sweep across Europe.

The warming planet will also lead to water shortages, crop losses and heat-related deaths.

But until we find Saddam Hussein’s weather machine, the shift in climate is inevitable. And since we are no nearer to finding that device than we are to finding those other WMDs, it’s best to be prepared.

The message is to cover yourself in a layer of oil and condition your skin with repeated visits to the sunbed parlour – sleep under one if you can.

For more expert advice, contact Robert Kilroy-Silk, c/o Shafiq Rasul, Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.’

Posted: 12th, January 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Self-Evident Truths

‘“THE only thing I know for certain,” President Bush said when questioned about the prisoners held at Guantanamo Bay, “is that these are bad people.”

‘Did they catch Richard Hillman?’

It is hard to know what is more worrying – that the President of the United States knows only one thing for certain, that he feels able unilaterally to decide who is, and who isn’t, a bad person, or the fact that the nine British detainees could soon be out and on their way home.

According to the lead story in this morning’s Times, it could be only a matter of weeks before the first of the nine is repatriated.

And the only condition of their release is that they are “managed” by British authorities – a term which could refer to nothing more than being kept under surveillance.

Previously, the US government had demanded that any men released should either be put on trial or detained indefinitely.

The obvious implication of this move (which the Times calls a “clear softening” of the US’s previous stance) is that the nine Britons in question are not “bad people” after all.

And the corollary of that, given the President’s remark quoted at the top of this article, is that President Bush now knows nothing for certain.

Or, as punctuation pedantry is all the rage at the moment, perhaps we should say that the leader of the free world knows nothing, for certain?

However, the United States (in the person of Pierre-Richard Prosper, the US ambassador at large for war crimes) insists that the Brits are still all categorised as high-risk or medium-risk.

But that is a situation that could change as new information became available.

“In time, as you learn more about the individuals, they could flow within the categories…they are a spectrum,” Mr Prosper said.

Of course, there is one tried and tested device for learning more about individuals, for testing new information and for determining what kind of threat a person poses.

It’s called a fair trial.’

Posted: 9th, January 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Feeling Hot, Hot, Hot

‘YESTERDAY we brought you news that a million species of animals, including a third of all mammals, are under threat in the next 50 years from global warming.

‘Come on in! The melting ice cap’s lovely’

Today, we get our calculator out and can tell you that, assuming the million species go extinct at a steady rate, we have lost 55 species in the past 24 hours.

Look out of your window (assuming you are not, like us, walled up in a dank basement with only a single 40W bulb to provide both heat and light) and see if you can work out which ones didn’t make it through the night.

(Of course, we advise you to use your common sense. The fact that there isn’t a herd of white rhino charging down the high street in Brighouse does not necessarily mean that they have gone the way of the dodo.)

And then ask yourself who is mainly responsible for the climate change that is causing this indiscriminate slaughter of animals.

Sir David King, the Government’s chief scientific adviser, is in no doubt, telling the Independent that the United States, as the world’s biggest polluter, needs to take the problem more seriously.

“In my view,” he says, “climate change is the most severe problem that we are facing today, more serious even than the threat of terrorism.

“The Bush administration’s strategy relies largely on market-based incentives and voluntary action…but the market cannot decide that mitigation is necessary, nor can it establish the basic international framework in which all actors can take their place.”

Denying the reality of global warming is increasingly becoming akin to membership of the Flat Earth Society – average temperatures have risen by 0.6C in the past century, sea levels are rising, ice caps are melting, flooding’s becoming more frequent and even Scotland had a nice summer last year.

But President Bush wants more research before he commits the United States to act, suggesting that climate change is a natural phenomenon and not at all linked to the massive amounts of CO2 we release into the atmosphere.

Just as President Bush’s position on this issue is not at all linked to his connections (and those of many within his administration) with the oil industry.’

Posted: 9th, January 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Calling Time

‘STREWTH! After a day of hard yakka in temperatures of 100F, our Australian friends like nothing better than to blow the froth of a coldie.

‘Closed until Australia wins at sport’

But for the residents of Marble Bar, a small hamlet 900 miles north of Perth which is the country’s hottest town, that is no longer such an easy task.

The Telegraph reports that a dispute at the weekend has caused the temporary managers of the town’s only pub, the century-old Ironclad Hotel, to shoot through.

And the result is that Marble Bar (where temperatures in summer regularly reach 110F and which once had 160 consecutive days above 100F) is now a town without a pub.

Anyone wanting a drop of the old amber nectar faces a 200-mile round trip to the nearest pub in Port Hedland.

The licensees are believed to be on holiday in Ireland, but no-one is quite sure when they will be back and when the beer will start flowing again.

Greg Lafranchi, manager of the Traveller’s Stop café, says: “There’ll be quite a few people pounding on the door when it re-opens.”

Just like a normal Monday morning, then.’

Posted: 9th, January 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Pees & Queues

‘BRITONS wishing to visit their cousins on the other side of the Atlantic already have a checklist of things to take with them.

Passengers are already banned from doing their laundry in the plane toilets

Among them are a healthy appetite, an AK-47 and assorted other weapons to help blend in with the local populace and a smile with which to answer the question, ”Do they speak English in England?”

But to that they will soon have to make a few additions – the patience of Job to cope with flight delays and cancellations, a capacious bladder and a visa.

On the day when British Airways was forced to delay Flight 223 to Washington yet again, the Telegraph reports that the US is set to reintroduce visas for anyone entering the country, even for the shortest holiday.

Not only that, but visas will have to be applied for in person, with the procedure including fingerprinting, photographing and a face-to-face interview.

The rules, which will only apply to people with passports issued after October 26 this year, ”are expected to cause chaos”.

The problem stems from the USA Patriot Act passed in the wake of 9/11, which insists that after that date all 27 visa-waiver countries must issue ”biometric” passports or passengers will have to apply for a visa.

But almost none of the countries are expected to be able to meet the deadline – including (ironically) the United States itself.

Having queued for hours to get your visa, having waited days at Heathrow for your flight to take off, you may be forgiven for wanting to sit back and have a few drinks on your way to the land of the freedom fry.

Mistake. The Times reports that US authorities have ordered that airlines entering its airspace to ban passengers from queuing for the toilet.

The directive says the crew must make announcements every two hours telling passengers not to congregate outside the toilets or in any other location.

But the paper says British Airways has no intention of ordering passengers back to their seats.

”Queuing is a great British tradition,” said a BA insider. ”How on earth are we supposed to organise trips to the loo?

”Should we make people put their hands up or have a ticket system like at the deli counter at Tesco?”

Or should we sell off seats with toilet privileges at a premium? Aisle, window, toilet..?’

Posted: 8th, January 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

The Lie Of The Land

‘TONY Blair is a pretty regular sort of guy and when he says he didn’t have sexual relations with that woman (indeed, any woman other than Cherie), we are inclined to believe him.

Ugly Rumours – the 2004 line-up

We were less inclined to believe his erstwhile friend, President Clinton, when he issued a similar denial – but it turned out that it was all a simple misunderstanding over the exact meaning of the words ”sexual”, ”relations” and indeed ”woman”. Oh, and ”not” as well.

We suspect a similar misunderstanding is responsible for the impression given in evidence to the Hutton Inquiry that Our Beloved Leader may have been economical with the actualite.

The Prime Minister yesterday told MPs that he would quit if the inquiry shows that he lied to Parliament over his role in ”outing” scientist Dr David Kelly.

But Gordon Brown shouldn’t be getting out the celebratory bottle of double malt just yet.

On July 22 last year, Blair told journalists that he ”emphatically” did not authorise the leaking of Dr Kelly’s name.

However, permanent secretary at the MoD Sir Kevin Tebbit told the inquiry in October that Blair had chaired the key meetings to discuss the ”naming strategy” with regard to the release of Dr Kelly’s name.

And Tory leader Michael Howard was yesterday anxious to lay the ground for the publication of the inquiry report (probably in early February) by challenging Blair to stand by his July statement.

”Either the permanent secretary or the prime minister is not telling the truth,” he said.

But we suspect that it will be found that in fact neither man lied, with Blair yesterday saying that he stood by ”the totality of what I said at that time”.

”On such nuances careers may turn,” says the Guardian sagely.

Indeed, we are likely to hear a lot about the difference between ”leaking” and ”releasing” in the coming weeks. Not least on flights from London to the US.’

Posted: 8th, January 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment