Georgia On Our Mind

‘THE people of Georgia are a hard crowd to please. Losing to England, the eventual winners of the rugby World Cup, is no shame for many but to proud Georgians it placed the tin lid on a box full of disappointments.

”Blast that Jonny Wilkinson”

The Independent says that 60% of the locals live below the poverty line, pensioners live on less than £5 a month and corruption is rife. And then came Jonny Wilkinson to put the boot in.

And so the people rebelled, stormed the country’s parliament, causing the Georgian president, the former Soviet heavyweight Eduard Shevardnadze, who along with Mikhail Gorbachev ushered in the collapse of communism in the former Soviet Union, to resign his office.

The bloodless event is duly dubbed a “velvet revolution” by the Guardian although, given the impoverished state of the place, something in a polyester and acrylic mix might be more apt.

Or, perhaps, something in Lycra, given that England’s rugby shirts have brought so much pressure to bear on a once solid administration.

As such, the Independent’s cartoon of Tony Blair pulling on his England jersey, singing “Swing Low, Sweet Bandwagon” while he does, cannot be far from the truth.

Although before the disgruntled can get to him, the people will first have to deal with the leaders of South Africa, Samoa, Uruguay, Wales, France and Australia…’

Posted: 24th, November 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

One Way Or Another

‘AFTER Tony Blair’s professed admiration for the glam rock screams of The Darkness, other Labour musos are opening up their own record collections.

”I’ll have a cup of tea and tell you of my dreaming”

The Independent says that a group of 15 Labour MPs have even formed a tribute band and called themselves the “New Wave”.

The group’s very own Blondie, Angela Eagle, MP for Wallasey, says the band aims to encourage “constructive debate” and is not a “front” or a “cheerleader” for Gordon Brown.

We know this because Angela and her fellow members have published their lyrics in the form of a letter to the Indy. And to the tune of The Stranglers’ Golden (Gordon) Brown, we learn more.

“We believe the way forward lies in a New Wave of innovative thinking based on Labour principles which will take us beyond the Third Way,” it says.

Come again? Did one of these letter writers pen the script for the second offering in The Matrix film trilogy? This talented bunch will surely go far.

“New Wave Labour is about policy developments and building a stronger Labour party and an even better Britain.”

Did you hear that? “An even better Britain!” That’s one in the eye for you who thought it couldn’t get any better.

But you’ll have noticed that there are 15 members in this group, the same number as go into making up a World Cup winning rugby union team.

Perhaps Tony really is in for something of a kicking…’

Posted: 24th, November 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

The Famous Fifteen

‘LIKE you, we’ve been wondering who’ll play Jonny Wilkinson in a soon-to-be-made TV biopic about the all-kicking wonder.

Robinson, Dallaglio and Wilkinson commiserate with George Smith and his soggy meringues

Since Jonny plays his club rugby in Newcastle, and Tony Blair used to watch him kick a ball into the net from the Pavilion End at Elland Road when he was a wee bairn on Tyneside, our leader is the obvious candidate.

But while Tony continues his struggle into Lycra, other names are thrown up: Euan Blair, Nicky Blair, Leo Blair and Ewan McGregor.

Oops, sorry! We’ve just heard in the Telegraph that McGregor might not be available to play Wilkinson should he take up an offer to play that other English hero, Jamie Oliver.

News is that Michael Kuhn, who had a hand in the making of the movie Four Weddings And A Funeral, plans to turn the life of England’s pukka champion of the deep-fried tongue into a movie.

The film will centre on Oliver’s efforts in Jamie’s Kitchen, the TV show in which our hero tries to mould 15 disadvantaged youngsters into a winning unit.

Yes, FIFTEEN! Which means that Euan Blair might yet get his chance to play Wilkinson, the waiter who can dropkick a plate of baked black mission figs with cashel blue cheese and pancetta, lemon thyme, hazelnuts and Selvapiana ‘millefiori’ honey with rare aplomb.

Service!’

Posted: 24th, November 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Murder Most Foul

‘ONE can only imagine the feeling of betrayal on the faces of the two suicide bombers when they find that the cold-blooded murder of 27 people is as repugnant to Allah as it is to the rest of us.

Turkey shoot

No eternal bliss for these two killers, no martyrs’ welcome, no gardens full of virgins – just the rest of time to dwell on the fruits of their perverted philosophy.

The immediate result of the two suicide bombs which went off outside the British consulate and HSBC Bank in Istanbul yesterday was inevitably carnage.

Among the dead in the first bomb was the Consul-General Roger Short, as well as three Britons and 10 Turks. More than 400 people were injured in the two explosions.

The Times says the bombers, who deliberately timed their attacks to coincide with the London meeting of President Bush and Prime Minister Tony Blair, ‘mocked the massive security precautions in London by launching assaults hundreds of miles away against soft targets’.

However, writing in the Guardian, Martin Kellner argues that the ‘victory’ for the Muslim radicals that make up al-Qaeda will be short-lived.

‘As bomb succeeds bomb, the radical groups in many Muslim countries that have taken up what they see as the duty of jihad are losing key members both in the attacks themselves and in the arrests that follow,’ he suggests.

‘They are also losing not popular support, which they do not really possess in most places, but the romanticised image which they were able to exploit in the past.’

However, the papers are as divided as to the best way to respond as they were about the war in Iraq.

The Independent blames the invasion and occupation of Iraq for ‘recruiting martyrs to the cause of hating the non-Muslim world in general and America (and Britain and Israel) in particular’.

The Guardian agrees, suggesting that the Western response to 9/11 has only served to polarise opinion.

‘There is no case for surrender,’ it says. ‘But there is a very strong case for a more intelligent, less confrontational, combined east-west approach to an intensifying global crisis.’

However, the Telegraph is having none of it, claiming that al-Qaeda’s vision is ‘inspired by a deep-seated hatred of the fruit of European Enlightenment’.

‘Yesterday’s atrocities,’ it says, ‘are yet another reminder that the West and its allies, and moderate Muslims throughout the world, are up against a foe who, blasphemously, given that God is the creator of life, glorify their deaths and the innocent people they kill as a passport to Paradise.’

As they will find, it is not a passport that is accepted as entry into any Paradise – but the mark of a murderer.’

Posted: 21st, November 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Any Storm In A Port

‘MANY miles from Istanbul in the north Lincolnshire town of Immingham, life goes on as normal.

‘Any other business?’

Or not quite as normal because the town’s self-styled ‘man of the people’ Michael Perrin has been banned from holding public office for three years.

This will come as a great blow to the many supporters of the 56-year-old electronics technician, who no doubt entertained fantasies of seeing their hero installed in Downing Street after the next General Election.

However, it appears that Mr Perrin’s own fantasies got the better of him.

The Telegraph reveals how the divorced father of two became fixated by Irana Lesi, the clerk to Immingham Town Council and a decade and a half his junior.

He accused Miss Lesi, who attended council meetings wearing low-cut tops and split skirts, of dressing ‘more like a barmaid’ than a civic official and expressed his disapproval in a series of letters.

‘Miss Lesi had long hair, low-cut dresses and was flashing her legs all over the place, which was very unprofessional,’ he said in one of his complaints.

However, Mr Perrin denied that his interest in Miss Lesi was sexual.

‘We’ve always had dour male clerks in the past and she was certainly better looking,’ he said, ‘but I had no sexual interest in her at all, let alone having fantasies about her.’

The councillor doth protest too much, methinks…’

Posted: 21st, November 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Heart Attack

‘IT appears that just about everyone knew about the Prime Minister’s heart problems before he did.

The Bushes come out in sympathy for the Prime Minister

President Clinton recently told reporters that he had known about the condition for years, while the Queen also seems to have been up to speed on the fact that Tony Blair’s heart wasn’t.

The Independent reports that the Queen’s reaction to Blair’s heart scare a couple of months ago was: ‘I do hope it’s not too serious. He told me he’s had serious complications in the past.’

And with that she no doubt went back to watching reruns of EastEnders on UK Gold.

But the paper says it again casts doubt on Downing Street’s version of events, which was that Blair’s irregular heartbeat was a one-off problem.

Pah! Next they’ll be suggesting that Downing Street knew that Saddam Hussein couldn’t launch a biological or chemical attack at 45 minutes’ notice.’

Posted: 21st, November 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Singing The Same Song

‘IMAGINE President Bush as Keith Harris and Tony Blair as Orville. [As John Lennon said, it isn’t hard to do.] Clear your throat and prepare to sing along.

‘She’s only bloody gone and swiped my wallet’

‘I wish I could fly up to the sky, but I can’t.’

‘You can.’

‘I can’t. I wish I could see what folks see in me, but I can’t.’

‘You can.’

‘I can’t.’

‘Look, Tony.’

‘Yes.’

‘Nothing that you can say will change how I feel today. I know that we’ll never part. Now hear what I’m saying, Tony.’

‘Yes?’

‘Who is your very best friend?’

‘You are.’

And that, dear reader, is what we call a special relationship as yesterday Bush and Blair indulged in some high-profile, not to mention extraordinarily expensive, mutual back-slapping.

However, the Telegraph is the only one of the four broadsheets to lead with Mr Bush’s actual speech to an invited audience at the Banqueting House last night.

The other three concentrate on the embarrassing lapses in security that saw a Mirror journalist employed in Buckingham Palace for two months prior to the US President’s visit.

However, the Independent is not the only paper to find itself pleasantly surprised by Bush’s speech.

‘Whoever has been coaching George Bush in oratory deserves the Presidential Medal of Freedom (and a congratulatory glass of champagne),’ writes Mary Dejevsky.

The speech itself was delivered with due gravitas, she says, ‘but also with the full authority of his office and not a few excursions into wry humour that bespoke the greater comfort he now clearly feels when speaking in public’.

The Guardian, however, still takes issue with the message, especially the way in which ‘his administration continues to subvert or bypass collective decision-making whenever that suits its purpose’.

‘No amount of sugar coats this bitter pill,’ it says. ‘No amount of folderol, flummery or flattery makes it easier to swallow.’

A bit like a particularly argumentative pretzel, then.’

Posted: 20th, November 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Tony & Mr Simpson

‘WITH journalists, comedy terrorists and peace-loving pensioners all breaching security at Royal residences in recent weeks, it was only a matter of time before they were joined by a cartoon character.

‘And that’s what we call the Boston Tea Party’

And Homer Simpson it is who, in the newest episode of the Simpsons (to be shown in the US on Sunday night), drives a Mini Cooper through the gates of Buckingham Palace and catapults the Queen out of her horse-drawn carriage.

Anorak has not seen the script for the episode, but if it is anything like real life we should expect the police to announce an inquiry, promise that it will never happen again and then wait for the next joker to sneak into the Queen’s bedroom.

However, the reason the Simpsons episode makes the front page of the Times is not because of the breach of Royal security it involves, but because it sees the first appearance of Tony Blair in the programme.

Called The Regina Monologues, one scene features Blair teaching Homer the finer points of tea drinking.

Another involves Blair asking Homer which way he thinks it’s going to go in the General Election, to which Homer replies: ‘Well, that Queen seems to be very popular. Is she going to run again?’

Blair recorded his dialogue for the show in April, causing something of a controversy because he was supposed to be involved in fighting a war at the time.

And the Times says the broadcasting of the episode has also been the subject of some debate, with Fox TV claiming that No.10 prevented any tapes being released before President Bush’s visit to avoid possible embarrassment.

Presumably, Blair’s aides were worried that comparisons would be drawn between Homer Simpson and George Dubya.

One is an oafish American who plunges London into chaos during his visit, a two-dimensional character with a tenuous grip on life outside his immediate environment; the other…’

Posted: 20th, November 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Hitting The Right Note

‘IT would be the ultimate Christmas present – a fiendishly difficult jigsaw puzzle that leaves anyone who completes it £1,200 richer.

‘Let’s see them try to stick pieces of ash together’

A year ago, 12-year-olds Rachel Aumann and Maisie Balley found just such a jigsaw in a bin as they walked to school in Brighton – a bag of shredded bank notes.

Being fine, upstanding citizens, the two handed the loot into police who, when it had not been claimed after six months, returned it to the girls.

So, says the Telegraph, for 30 minutes a night for the past year Rachel and Maisie and Rachel’s step-father Peter have laboriously been trying to match the pieces and stick the notes back together.

So far, they have made £1,200 and are hoping to top £2,000 when they have got through the whole bag – money which Rachel intends to save until she goes to university and Maisie means to blow on a shopping trip in London.

As for where the money comes from, Maisie thinks it may have been shredded by an old lady who didn’t want to leave it to anyone when she died, while Rachel thinks it could have been a divorce, where one party didn’t want the other to have it.

Alternatively, it could be a brilliant marketing ploy for the new Anorak Rags To Riches Jigsaw (available at all good stockists, price £2,009.99). Or, given the amount, it could be that Jeffrey Archer’s been up to his old tricks again…’

Posted: 20th, November 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Hospital Pass

‘WHEN Lord Nelson was ordered to halt bombardment of the Danish fleet in the middle of the Battle of Copenhagen, he deliberately put his eyeglass to his blind eye and thereby claimed never to have seen the command.

CENSORED

Had Sports Minister Richard Caborn had a deaf ear, he would have been well advised to have put the phone to it and feigned ignorance of a command from Labour whips to return home from Australia for tonight’s Commons vote on foundation hospitals and so forfeit his seat at this weekend’s Rugby World Cup final.

Instead, the blunt Yorkshireman ”flew into a rage”, according to the Telegraph, and expressed his displeasure in what is normally referred to as Anglo-Saxon language.

His spokesman refused to reveal the exact nature of his tirade, saying: ”I can’t tell you. It’s before the watershed.”

However, there is a more serious side to the story as the Guardian notes, suggesting for a start that it shows how worried the Government is about tonight’s vote.

Downing Street concedes that it will be close, despite the fact that Labour has a 164-seat majority in the House of Commons.

”It is an important issue for the Government,” a spokesman says, ”and people want to be seen to be supporting it.”

We think he will find that people want to be seen supporting Martin Johnson and his team on Saturday rather more than they want to support the policy of foundation hospitals.

Indeed, culture secretary Tessa Jowell is jumping on a plane for Sydney right after the vote and Mr Caborn has been told that he is welcome to join her.

However, one wonders how much all these comings and goings are costing the British taxpayer, with only first-class seats available for the 12,000-mile round trip.

Julie Kirkbride, shadow culture secretary, accused the Government of wasting money and of jeopardising London’s bid for the 2012 Olympic Games.

She has a point – surely it would have been cheaper to fly one Tory front-bencher out to Australia and so equal out the voting in the Commons tonight. Eh, Julie?’

Posted: 19th, November 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

On The Trail Of Trailblazer

‘IT is a safe bet that President Bush knows little about the Rugby World Cup – a safe bet because President Bush knows little and because World Cups traditionally take place on American soil with only American participants.

”What time do you want your wake-up call?”

Whether the Queen spent last night trying to educate the President on the finer points of the rolling maul we don’t know, but we are glad to see that George Dubya has emerged from his first night at Buckingham Palace unscathed.

No bomb blew him up, no salty snack choked him to death nor, we presume, did any Royal servant mistake him for Prince Charles and administer an unscheduled wake-up call.

Indeed, such is the ring of steel erected around the President, by the end of the visit he will be able to report back to his countrymen that London is a virtually uninhabited city with few or no cars to be seen.

All the more so because the Times says the President, whose Secret Service codename is Trailblazer, has cancelled his only scheduled public appearance.

The paper says last-minute security fears were responsible for the dropping of plans to meet families of British victims of 9/11 at the memorial garden outside the US embassy.

All of which explains why the Telegraph has dubbed Bush ”the invisible visitor”, albeit an invisible visitor with 700 friends.

In fact, the Guardian says the size of the entourage is ”worthy of a travelling medieval monarch” – a good analogy given the President’s Manichean view of the world.’

Posted: 19th, November 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Sandwich Course

‘SUCH is the security surrounding President Bush’s trip that we are not even privy to what he will have for dinner, let alone the identity of his pre-dinner snacks.

Education Secretary Charles Clarke – before and after lunch

Suffice it to say that they will all be from Marks & Spencer’s easy-to-swallow range lest the President meets a grisly end courtesy of a rogue cheese twist or a particularly vicious pork scratching.

However, if the food is not up to the President’s standards, he would be well advised to take a short walk across Whitehall and drop into the Department of Education.

There he is guaranteed the best food in the whole of London, a fact borne out by the £600,000 annual bill for departmental refreshments last year.

To put that figure in some kind of perspective, the Department of Health spent £88,503 on hospitality in the same time.

Even within the Department of Education, it represents a 30% increase on the previous year when Estelle Morris was Secretary Of State.

One civil servant tells the Independent: ”Just think what an extra £200,000 would do for an inner-city primary school.”

Or how many first-class tickets to watch the rugby in Australia it could buy.’

Posted: 19th, November 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

A Black Day

‘SCHADENFREUDE is a German word. There is no equivalent in the English language because of course it is not in our make-up to laugh at the misfortunes of others.

The Telegraph’s new City editors

Well, occasionally we might allow ourselves a little chuckle, sometimes a guffaw might escape our lips, and very, very rarely we might be incapacitated with laughter.

And so it is that the travails of Conrad Black, Canadian media baron and owner of the Telegraph, make the front page of the Times, Guardian and Independent this morning.

In fact, the only paper that doesn’t seem to judge the story worthy of such a mention is the Telegraph itself, which relegates it to the business pages.

The Guardian tells its readers that Lord Black ‘resigned in disgrace’ from the helm of his media empire amid expectations that the group would be sold off.

The Indy says the right-wing peer is facing an investigation by US regulators over suspect payments totalling £20m paid to him and three other directors.

And the Times says Black has offered to pay back £4m in an effort to save his empire.

Telegraph readers who battle through to Page 36 learn only that Lord Black is to retire as chief executive of Hollinger International following mounting criticism of the company’s corporate governance.

‘Now,’ he said in a prepared statement, ‘is the appropriate time to explore strategic opportunities to maximise value for all shareholders…blah, blah, blah.’

If, as expected, the Telegraph is now put up for sale, the person seen as most likely to buy it is pornographer Richard Desmond, who already owns the Express, Star, OK! and of course Asian Babes.

What price tits in the Telegraph by Christmas?’

Posted: 18th, November 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Special Kay

‘TO make matters worse for the retired majors who comprise the Telegraph readership, we report that the nation’s favourite sleuth is a woman. And an American.

‘Looks like a case for Kay Scarpetta, Watson’

According to the Times, Kay Scarpetta, the ‘genre-busting’ forensic scientist created by Patricia Cornwell, is the top character in detective fiction.

And second is James Patterson’s Alex Cross, a black single father with a degree in psychology. He is also American.

Only then do we find the grand old man of the crime novel, Sherlock Holmes, who garnered 16% of the vote, followed by Inspector Morse (14%) with Miss Marple (2%) and Hercule Poirot (1%) trailing in towards the bottom of the list.

Russell James, former chairman of the Crime Writers’ Association, told the paper that it was ‘a pretty depressing list’, made partly by television and film.

‘Where’s Raymond Chandler?’ he asks. ‘Where are a number of top Americans, such as Elmore Leonard?’

Good question – it sounds like a job for Kay, Alex, Sherlock or even Sherlock’s cleverer (but lazier) brother Mycroft.’

Posted: 18th, November 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Ring Of Steal

‘TRY to get a single policeman to come and visit your home after you’ve been burgled is like trying to find someone who will admit to liking Chris De Burgh – very difficult, if not impossible.

‘Damn! Forgot my keys again’

But President Bush will have 14,000 officers at his beck and call when he arrives in London this evening and he hasn’t even been the victim of a crime – yet.

In fact, the Independent outbids the other papers and suggests that the total police presence will be 16,000 – one in nine of all the police officers in England and Wales.

However, it is good to know that not that even this unprecedented level of police protection could stop a 61-year-old grandmother piercing the ring of steel and climbing the gates to Buckingham Palace yesterday.

Lindis Percy spent almost three hours on top of the gates with a flag telling the US President that he is not welcome in this country.

In doing so, she gets her picture on the front page of all four broadsheets – although she will be distressed to learn from one of them that hers is not a majority view.

A Guardian poll finds that 43% of voters are in favour of Bush becoming the first US President ever to be honoured with a state visit to the UK, with 36% against.

Bizarrely, it is mainly Labour voters who are in favour of the visit from the most conservative occupant of the White House in living memory.

And, says the paper, ‘it explodes the conventional wisdom that Mr Bush’s visit will prove damaging to Tony Blair’.

However, there is one other important group who are very much in favour of the three-day visit – criminals.

With more than 10% of the country’s entire police strength engaged in protecting just one man and thousands of people on the streets in protest, Thursday should be Christmas day in the burglars’ calendar.’

Posted: 18th, November 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Bush Whacked

‘IN his spare time, US Secretary of State Colin Powell and his wife Alma apparently like to educate young girls in Washington about the virtues of sexual abstinence.

Go Tony

It is a pity that he didn’t teach President Bush to “just say no” to the half-baked plans to invade Iraq emanating from the Pentagon and his vice-president’s office.

But if the US and its allies thought Iraq would roll over like a £20 whore in a sleazy hotel room, they were mistaken.

They haven’t even managed to find former Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein, who yesterday gloated about the miscalculation on Arabic TV station al-Arabiya.

“The US thought and made others think that they were going on a picnic to occupy Iraq and destroy their weapons of mass destruction,” the Times quotes him as saying.

“The evil ones now find themselves in a crisis and this is God’s will for them. The aggressors have no choice but to leave our nation.

“The evil ones will not be able to occupy and colonise Iraq.”

The evil ones seem to have realised this as well, with the Independent suggesting that the United States is ready to agree to put its troops under international control.

Javier Solana, the EU foreign policy chief, says decisions along those lines will be taken in the next few days.

“Everybody has moved, including the United States because the United States has a real problem and, when you have a real problem, you need help,” he said.

All of which only serves to remind us that President Bush’s controversial state visit to Britain starts tomorrow with what the Telegraph says is the biggest anti-terrorist operation ever mounted in Britain.

More than 2,000 armed police will patrol the centre of London, RAF jets will patrol the skies above the city and large parts of the capital will be closed off.

However, US anti-Bush polemicist Michael Moore urges the British people to make their opinion of his president known.

“It’s up to the British people to do their job in letting the American people know the British people don’t support this war,” he tells the Independent.

“It has to be done in a graphic way, in a physical way; it can’t just be said. It has to be dome with the images that will be sent back to America because the American media will be there with Bush.”

In other words, teach the White House the virtues of sexual abstinence before they fuck up in another part of the world.’

Posted: 17th, November 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Kippers’ Ties

‘IF only George and Barbara Bush had not let young George Dubya and brother Jeb move out of home, how different the world might be.

If George and Barbara Bush had only let the boys have a TV in their room

For a start, Al Gore – or President Gore as he would have been known were it not for the 2000 Bush coup – would never have grown a beard.

For another, pretzels would not now be classified as dangerous weapons and come with a health warning advising consumers to “chew before attempting to swallow”.

And for another, we would not have had to spend the weekend stocking up on rotten eggs and soggy tomatoes to hurl at the President when he arrives in London this week.

Had George and Jeb stayed at home, they would have been no different from the million or so children in the UK still living with their parents at an age when they are old enough to know better.

“The combination of high property prices and laziness has left many parents with the surprise – one that is not always welcome – of fining their thirtysomething children are not in a rush to leave,” says the Telegraph.

Of course, these stay-at-home children have an acronym – kippers (kids in parents’ pockets eroding retirement savings), according to the Prudential.

Prior to this, the paper says, they have been known as the “boomerang generation” because they kept on leaving and coming back and then “homebounders” because they wanted to move out but were unable to do anything about it.

Most of the adult children who live at home don’t pay rent and those who do pay well below the market rate, while many had received a lump sum from their parents presumably as an incentive to leave.

It’s just that in George Dubya’s case, this lump sum included an oil company, a baseball team and an office in the White House.’

Posted: 17th, November 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Liar Liar

‘TONY Blair should be careful – the CIA, Pentagon and FBI are apparently considering using brain scans to tell whether a person is lying or not.

FBI locate Bush’s brain in a Texas bar

The Guardian explains that it takes more mental energy to lie and investigators believe the resulting brain activity will provide an unmistakable “Pinocchio response”.

So, when Blair says that Saddam Hussein has chemical and biological weaponry that can be deployed in 45 minutes, his nose might not grow, but a trigger in his brain will set alarm bells ringing.

Unfortunately, the same technology cannot work on President Bush, when he says that Saddam helped plan 9/11 or insists that Iraq had bought enriched uranium, because he has no mental activity to scan in the first place.

However, the Guardian says scientists believe the technology can be used for other purposes such as detecting people with racial prejudices and identifying psychopaths.

Of course, the tattoo ‘White Power’ on the skinhead’s scalp is quite a good indicator in the first instance, as is in the second instance an almost Messianic belief that it is your mission to destroy “evil folks”…’

Posted: 17th, November 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Identity Crisis

‘THE picture of Michael Howard admiring his presentation plate for Parliamentarian of the Year is certainly a “good omen”.

‘A lot of blood, sweat and tears have gone into me getting this award’

It’s pretty clear that rumours as to Howard’s vampire tendencies can be laid to rest as he does indeed have a reflection.

But while Howard promises not to bleed us all dry, and celebrates his award – bestowed upon him by senior political writers – David Blunkett wonders about his own identity.

The Home Secretary is having something of an identity crisis. As the Guardian reports, just two days after proposing the scheme for compulsory ID cards, Scotland has played a joker.

Scotland’s first minister Jack McConnell has told Blunkett that he is opposed to the concept of compulsory cards for all and anyone not carrying one will be allowed to go about their business as before.

The Telegraph puts this succinctly, reporting that the card will not be required for services such as health and education in Scotland, but in England the locals will be required to use it to get medical care.

Of course, the ID card is not yet law and, until it becomes so, we are free to come and go as we please. And that seemingly goes for asylum seekers and illegal arrivals too.

According to the Times, more than 500,000 migrants arrived in this island paradise last year, the highest number on record.

But not to worry, such is the popularity of TV programmes like “No Going Back”, “I’m Off”, “Last One Out Turn The Lights Off” that around 359,000 went the other way.

And given the popularity of Mr Blunkett’s knee-jerk half-baked schemes, he might soon be joining them. A little bat tells us that Romania offers much excitement…’

Posted: 14th, November 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Heart Of Darkness

‘MANY of the greatest artists have produced their finest works from the very pits of despair.

‘Help me if you can, I’m feeling down…’

While losing his crown as Parliamentarian of the Year to Michael Howard is not in itself a devastating blow, it is nonetheless another chip away at Tony Blair’s Teflon-coated skin.

But in times of trouble Tony doesn’t turn to Mother Mary and let it be. Tony reaches for his air guitar, slides his pre-greased, shaved legs into some Lycra and screams along to the tunes of the Darkness.

We know this because the Independent was in attendance yesterday afternoon when Tony told children of Sacred Heart Roman Catholic School in Southwark, London, about his musical bent.

Tony says that whenever he dips into his children’s CD collection, he bypasses Leo’s Noddy CDs and Euan’s Bavarian Drinking Songs and reaches for The Darkness.

Of course, ‘Ugly Rumours Do Cliff’ is always on in the Blair household by way of musak, but with enough oomph on the volume knob, the Darkness obliterates all that goes before.

And that includes D:Ream’s Things Can Only Get Better, anything by Oasis and UB40’s Cherie Oh Baby.

As Tony now screams to anyone within earshot: “Stuck in a rut! Stuck in a rut for eternity. Stuck in a rut! Stuck in a rut for eternity.” (Repeat until 2009).’

Posted: 14th, November 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

You’ve Been Ad

‘WHAT do you think of when we say the words “Gary Lineker”?

After Cheese and Owen and Salt and Linkers, Walkers seek inspiration for a new flavour crisp

Some will think of goals and see Gary scampering up the pitch in his shorts. Others will think of his ears. But your average child will think of but one thing: crisps.

Yesterday, the Guardian reports, the Commons health select committee challenged the role advertising so-called junk foods plays in a child’s diet.

In the course of the meeting, the committee’s members challenged the wording of a private media brief for advertising Wotsits, a crisp made by Walkers, paymaster to the aforementioned Mr Lineker.

The advertising agency brief ran as follows: “Wotsits are for me. I am going to…pester mum for them when she next goes shopping.”

Apparently, the paper says, this breaches the advertising industry’s own guidelines on encouraging children to pester parents into buying “fattening” foods.

But what of Lineker? Well, the Telegraph catches up with him (which these days is none too challenging) and hears him defend himself.

“We never said that people should eat crisps all the time,” says Lineker.

“The point is today’s health problems are nothing to do with snacks like crisps…We have to fight to keep our kids away from the television.”

Which is the point, isn’t it. Because the nippers look at what’s on the magic box and next minute they’re stuffing their face with crisps, chomping on chocolate and deep-fat-frying their friends…’

Posted: 14th, November 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Marks Out Of No.10

‘DID the habit of giving marks for everyday life begin with tabloid football reporters, who equip their missives with ‘Beckham 9/10’ and so forth?

‘I’d give the Right Honourable gentleman a seven’

Or are Chris Tarrant and TV to blame for the new trend for review by numbers?

‘Now, Euan from Bristol, how sure are you that Michael Howard delivered a good performance in yesterday’s Prime Minister’s Question Time? Twenty percent? Thirty-three percent..?’

The Guardian reports that Adam Boulton, Sky’s political editor, thinks Howard deserves an 8/10, an impressive but not totally convincing 80%.

It’s the same score picked by Bob Marshall-Andrews, a rare double-barrel on the Labour benches. He saw Howard’s debut as Tory leader and concludes that the Prime Minister is going to have to take Howard ‘very seriously’. But not 90% seriously.

Before we can coax Marshall-Andrews up to a score of 83% or even 85%, Robin Oakley, billed as European political editor of CNN, produces something of an echo with his 8/10.

And so it goes on, right through Mathew Taylor’s (Lib-Dem) 5/10 and Jacqui Lait’s (Tory) 10/10.

The new shadow home affairs spokeswoman may be a lickspittle of the most toadying order, but Ms Lait knows her own mind.

‘He was light on his feet and light in his sharp reactions,’ says Jacqui of Howard. ‘He clearly got Tony Blair on entirely the wrong foot.’

This is clearly fighting talk. And while George Foreman eats his lo-fat grilled heart out at the power of a 62-year-old, we consider it a pity that we don’t get to hear the judges’ marks for the titleholder, the lightweight Blair.

But, with a nod to Tony’s passion for football, we suspect that he’d get an 11/10 from his team, which, as any political pundit worth his salt knows, is an encouraging 110%.’

Posted: 13th, November 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Vive La Deutschland

‘EUROPEAN politics can be distilled into one key aim: to stop the Germans invading France.

Jacques Le Lad & Herr Dye

A big wall, a long moat or a row of neat yet fashionable bungalows along the demarcation point between the two European neighbours are all valid forms of protection for the rest of us. But how much better if they simply unite?

Britain and America’s so-called special relationship looks a little ordinary this morning as the Guardian reports on how the French and Germans are discussing the possibility of a ‘Franco-German’ union.

French foreign minister, Dominique de Villepin, says the move is ‘essential’ and ‘the only historic gamble that we cannot lose’.

While the French and Germans share kisses and lusty slaps on their thighs, Britain, reports the Telegraph, has taken delivery of a ‘toxic armada’ of rusting American ships.

It’s the kind of gift that makes us British wonder if the love we have for America is reciprocated in equal measure.

And perhaps now the French and Germans are ready to take over Europe, we should put it to a sterner test.

Lasso the tugs to the Cornish hook and prepare to pull hard, boys. The British and Britain are finally coming…’

Posted: 13th, November 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

The School Run

‘LACK of a decent education means that many of us are too stupid to know what we were dong two minutes ago let alone two months in the past.

‘Pssst. Can I borrow a tenner?’

However, the Times knows that two months back the Government was launching a £50m strategy aimed at persuading children to walks or cycle to school.

All very well and good if little Bianca lives close to the school, but less wonderful if little Nicky lives well outside the catchment area and would have to leave home at 5am to make registration on time.

It’s none too surprising that the plan has yet to bear fruit.

But by way of an inducement to follow guidelines, parents of pupils at St Osmund’s Roman Catholic primary school, Salisbury, have been made an offer.

From now on any parent who wants to drop off their little loves by the school gates must pay an annual £25 fee.

That sounds fair doesn’t it? But, amazingly, not all the parents are delighted. Indeed, around 100% of them are completely hacked off.

‘No thought has gone into this traffic situation and now it has come to a head,’ says David Parker, a disgruntled parent. ‘On a point of principle I shall not be paying the charge.’

But children whose parents do not want to break school rules or are unable to pay face a long walk to the gates.

And if the traffic is as fierce in Salisbury as it is in other cities, those gates could well take on a pearly sheen.

Look out, kids!’

Posted: 13th, November 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Your Number’s Up

‘WHAT number would you best use to describe yourself? Are you a well-rounded 8888 or a more aloof and individual 1357, all jagged and edgy?

‘And the winning card is…’

Today’s lead story in the Telegraph about how ID cards are to be introduced by 2007 has instantly raised a few concerns.

Will Tony Blair get a card and, if so, will he get preferential treatment and reserve a number that he believes best suits him, like 007, 10 or 666?

And will there by a new business in personalised numbers, as with cars? The two are not unrelated, since Home Secretary David Blunkett has said how these new ID cards may be combined with driving licences.

You can just imagine the copper taking your card and snorting as ‘BIG1’ pops up on his screen.

But if you don’t drive, you need not worry about missing out. The Times says that anyone renewing their passport in 2007 will have to undergo fingerprinting and iris scans at post officers or register offices.

Anyone not wanting a passport or able to drive a car will still get the chance to apply for a plain ID card costing around £35 for 10 years.

But before any of us can get anything, asylum seekers and the country’s 4.6 million foreign citizens will get their cards first.

And we’ve got some inside knowledge that anyone tagged with the number 24980 will be allowed to stay in the country and work for their freedom.

However, anyone bearing a resemblance to the Ace of Clubs will be taken to the edge of a ditch and shot.’

Posted: 12th, November 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment