Love Potion

‘THANKS to the living cool that is science, we have learned that everything can be expressed in the form of an equation.

”What’s the recipe for lasting love, Cher?” ”My pretending you’re someone else”

For instance, we know the code for the perfect hamburger, the formula for a perfect day at the beach and now, thanks to Professor James Murray, we know the recipe for a perfect marriage.

The Telegraph watches Murray leave his post at the University of Washington in Seattle to deliver his theory to a Mathematical Biology Conference at Dundee University.

And there were shocks ands gasps all round as the equation for domestic bliss was not revealed to be: CB + TB (E+K+N+L) = LOVE.

Instead, it is ”eye-rolling + coldness + mockery = divorce”.

That’s the headline interpretation; the actual equation is split into two parts, one for the husband and one for the wife.

Since maths became more user friendly with the arrival of GCSEs, we’ll not bore you by producing the actual equation but keep it simple and say once more that that there are two of them.

And that, thanks to his work, the Professor now claims to have a 94% success rate when it comes to forecasting whether or not a couple are compatible.

Of course, British youth have little truck with the numbers game.

They should stick to the tried-and-tested formula: ”I’m yours for a bottle of alcopop and a go on your stolen scooter.”

‘

Posted: 8th, August 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

A Zee And Many Zeros

‘THE inescapable truth is that apart from this site – although occasionally this site too – the Internet is a sink of human depravity and porn.

”Last one into the sofa shop’s not a geek”

But people keen to explain to their parents and spouses why they need the computer moved to their bedroom and out of the communal lounge are always looking for educational and fun things on the web.

And now they’ve come up with ”Flash Mobs”, something the Independent calls ”an Internet-based craze”, ”a phenomenon”.

It works by people e-mailing each other with instructions. After a while a mob builds of people who have been instructed to do something at the same time and place.

And yesterday, around 300 such losers, sorry, pioneers of nascent technologies were told to descend on a furniture shop in London’s Soho and sit there.

Boring? No! In the words of the Indy, this happening enabled the crowd to ”create the equivalent of a mobile art installation in a 10-minute performance”.

If that doesn’t put you off, a few words from some of the hipsters who partake in a bit of steaming without the buzz of actual theft should.

”It’s supposed to be about getting back to the roots and keeping it real,” says Janine Grainger. ”I would definitely do it again, it’s been kind of bizarre.”

Janine sounds like the type who finds propelling pencils way out, as does one of the group’s organisers, a man calling himself Zee.

”It works because there is no ideological point behind it. You just chill out and have fun.” That’s just the right blend of long words and Californian head-talk from Zee.

So if you want to join Zee and his mates, they’ll all be jumping off Beachy Head in Sussex at 4pm today. Last one there’s an AOL user…

‘

Posted: 8th, August 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Train Spotted

‘ARE you ready for extreme trainspotting? In this version of the popular sport, daredevil spotters have to collect numbers while the train is actually moving at full pelt between stations.

Neville, Brian and Janet were surprised that they had been able to outpace the train

But spoilsports at South West Trains are onto their little game, and in the interests of health and safety have instructed their drivers to go at an all-time slow.

Just yesterday, as the Times reports, the 9:22 from Southampton Parkway to Waterloo, a 70-mile journey that should take 64 minutes, took nearly nine hours, arriving in London at 6:20pm.

Somewhat unsportingly, the passengers on the train, of which there were roughly 100, were not happy. People like Ron Edwards, who speaks to the Guardian.

”One person smashed open an emergency exit because the guard would not open the doors,” says Mr Edwards, as the temperatures onboard rose.

”We then threatened to get off the train if something wasn’t done. By this time the guard had locked himself in his cupboard.”

Over in the Telegraph, however, the paper has advice as to how Mr Edwards and his fellow commuters could have kept cool – by spitting at each other.

Indeed spitting is something of a craze on the rail network, given how, it seems, so many commuters like doing it, especially when a railway employee’s face is nearby.

And now Central Trains have acted, issuing all their staff with DNA testing kits, which will allow them to preserve the saliva that’s come their way and hand it over for police testing.

While this spells imminent arrest for the likes of Roy Hattersley and Bob Carolgees and his dog Spit, the kit is already being used to identify the body of a man who appears to have melted inside his anorak alongside train tracks near Winchester…

‘

Posted: 8th, August 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Hasta La White House, Baby

‘WATCHING Ronald Reagan in the 1980s, many of us believed that poor Ronnie thought he was not really in the White House at all, but merely on set.

”And my wife is played by Jane Fonda…”

His entire term of office was not an actual happening, rather an elaborate soap opera in which Ronnie played the head honcho of a large household.

To this day Ronnie is surprised that the role of Margaret Thatcher was not given to Joan Collins, and that their ‘special relationship’ failed to produce an illegitimate heir who grew up with a grudge in the backwoods of Montana.

And now America is preparing to do it all again. With Ronnie out of the picture, the Times says that the lead role could go to Arnold Schwarzenegger.

First Arnie will have to do as Ronnie did and become Governor of California – and he’s planning to do just that.

In a plot straight out of soap, current State Governor Gray Davis (John Forsythe) is facing an election after one million voters petitioned to remove him from office. (David Lean, eat your heart out.)

And last night Arnie appeared on a TV show to tell the world about his plans for a new movie: True Lies II: The Body Politic.

”I will go to Sacramento [the state capital] and clean up the house,” says Arnie, ”All the politicians are not ruling for the people but for special interests.”

But the job is not his yet. Over in the Independent, other frontrunners are thrust under the limelight.

There’s Richard Riordan, a small part actor, who has been playing Mayor of Los Angeles and waiting tables while he waits for his big break.

There’s Larry Flynt, the man behind Hustler magazine and star of The People Vs Larry Flynt.

And there’s Arianna Huffington, ”a sharp-tongued Greek-American society hostess”, who played one of the bridesmaids in the dreadful My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

It’s an open audition. And it could get more complicated if rumours are correct and Bonzo, Reagan’s old Chief of Staff, decides to read for the part…

‘

Posted: 7th, August 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Drop Dead, Mr Chips

‘FOCUSING on American life is something we should do more often, given that what passes for normal there will soon be exported over here.

Miss Glossop’s third year maths class

And so to the Telegraph’s news that a professor who specialises in saving American schools from guns and crime is on his way to Haywood comprehensive school in Nottingham.

Professor H Jerome Freiberg and his Consistency Management & Co-operative Discipline Scheme (CMCD) have been invited in by the Department of Skills and Education for two years at the lo-lo-lo price of £180,000.

”Most schools face the same difficulties across the western world,” says Freiberg to the Telegraph. He’s right, of course.

If we had a pound for every time a Nottingham youngster pulled out a semi-automatic weapon and shot up Mrs Bunting’s Citizenship Class, we’d have enough to hire Prof Freiberg for, oh, three years.

And the statistics speak for themselves. In Chicago, CMCD has led to better results. In English, test results are up 23% and in maths they’ve jumped by 42%.

And as any British student could tell you, 42% is very nearly perfect. Well, it’s an A-Star grade at GCSE…

‘

Posted: 7th, August 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Trigger Happy

‘JUST think how great it will be when cloning becomes the norm.

”You look exactly like I did when I was your age”

George Bush can sit on the American throne forever, Tony and Cherie can keep their Cabinet stocked with grinning fools and race horses can all be champions.

That’s the news in the Independent, where a team of Italian veterinary researchers have created the world’s first cloned horse.

It was a long shot, but given the success of Dolly The Sheep, well worth a moderate flutter.

Giovanna Lazzaro, a member of the stable of vets, is happy.

”The cloning of the horse was attempted just on scientific grounds,” says he, ”but, in terms of the practical implications, you can imagine that someone may want to clone a famous horse.”

Which takes us neatly back to the Arnold Schwarzenegger and the race for the governorship of California.

You can just see Arnie on Trigger II, the golden palomino stallion providing the perfect foil to the great man as he goes about his daily deeds – munching jelly beans and remembering to wake up…

‘

Posted: 7th, August 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Don’t Worry, Be Happy

‘THANKS to the selfless work of Jeffrey Archer and his in-depth investigation into the country’s penal system, prisons have never been so popular.

Lord Archer, responsible for making prison fashionable again

In the parlance of the press, prison is the new black.

And the even better news is that, after summers ruined by foot and mouth disease and terrorist threats, more tourists than ever are joining the happy throng.

The result is that, as the Times reports, there are now more foreigners in HMP Morton Hall in Lincolnshire than there are British citizens.

And that’s not all. The paper also boasts that one in seven of the all-time-high prison population of 74,000 is a foreign ‘jail tourist’.

There are now inmates from over 160 counties sampling the delights of Her Majesty’s finest pleasures.

And for those wanting to take an extended break in Blighty and get to know the real Britain, the way in is via Heathrow Airport with a bag full of cocaine.

And so much the better if your flight is from the Caribbean, given that Jamaicans can’t get enough of our porridge, with 434 females and 2,361 men from that island here for a stay.

And to facilitate other arrivals, from now on all ‘suspicious’ passengers flying into Britain from eight Caribbean islands will be electronically scanned for cocaine.

For anyone interested, the list of countries offering the new service can be had by sending a large self-addressed envelope to the usual address.

We’ll see you get a menu of hotspots and an official Anorak E-Zee Swallow condom.

‘

Posted: 6th, August 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Asian Invasion

‘YOU’D think UK Customs would have enough to do processing new arrivals from the Caribbean and giving them directions to the tourist resorts at Belmarsh and Holloway.

Believed to be claiming benefit under the name Aedes Albopictus

But, as the Guardian reports, they have now also to be on the look-out for other arrivals, namely the Asian mosquito.

The paper says that a ‘nationwide search’ has been ordered at ports and, oddly, used-tyre depots for the illegal immigrant.

For anyone wanting to join the hunt, the paper shows a picture of the mosquito, which may be travelling under the name Aedes Albopictus and may have set up nest with a domestic breed.

Like all good villains, it also has black and white stripes around its middle.

But the real giveaway is that this mosquito, which likes tyres because the water that collects in them makes them the ideal place to lay its eggs, can carry the West Nile virus.

It’s believed this is done by swallowing a large condom full of the microscopic stuff, thereby evading detection.

Anyone who sees the bug should approach with extreme caution and then stamp very hard on its head…

‘

Posted: 6th, August 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

The Kelly Gang

‘YOU wait for years for one Kelly to come along and then the papers are full of two of them.

‘Yes, it is true that Lord Archer and I were the first to discover the source of the Nile’

After Dr David Kelly provided much-needed fodder for journalists in the traditionally lean summer months, it’s now the turn of his namesake, Tom Kelly, to take centre stage.

Tom Kelly is the Prime Minister’s official spokesman and the person who described the dead Kelly as a ‘Walter Mitty’ character.

And today he’s on the cover of the Independent looking suitably contrite and apologising for any offence caused.

He’s even issued a statement, which uses phrases like ‘I deeply regret’, ‘a mistake’ and ‘unreservedly apologise’.

It is, however, unlikely that his comments will gain him a seat at Lord Hutton’s inquiry into the whole sorry matter.

But even if they do, the Guardian says that we the people will not see Tom Kelly nor any of the other parties give evidence as the inquiry will not be televised.

Lord Hutton has ruled that Article 10 of the European human rights convention, which deals with freedom of expression, does not cover the ‘right of access to material not yet available to the person concerned’.

Which pretty much say that, thanks to the EU, we won’t have to endure TV coverage of the most pumped-up, sexed-up, cranked-up, talked-up case in years.

Who still says the Europe doesn’t work in our best interests? ‘

Posted: 6th, August 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Kelly’s Heroes

‘IT’S not known if, like the White House, Downing Street has a private cinema.

Dr Kelly thought he was a World War I flying ace

If it does, you can bet that among the Billy Graham Collection, Thora Hird Out-Takes and the locked-away Stripping For Jesus is The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.

This film, in which a humble man with a mother complex fantasises about being a hero, is required watching among the Blair elite, as it is an important point of reference.

For the Independent is sticking by its story that one of Tony Blair’s team described dead scientist Dr David Kelly as a ‘Walter Mitty character’.

But it’s a claim refuted by the No.10 machine in the Telegraph.

‘I don’t know where this comment has came from,’ said Tony Blair’s spokesman yesterday morning, ‘but we do want to make it absolutely clear that nobody with either the Prime Minister’s or anybody else in Downing Street’s approval would say such a thing.’

That is indeed absolutely clear.

As is the Government’s position later in the day that a comment just might have been made and that, if it had been, then it was not the official Government view, although it may very well be one cooked up in private and voiced by another of Tony’s spokesmen, Tom Kelly.

Tony Blair, who by sheer coincidence is still out of the country while the Kelly row rolls on, would do well to replace his video collection.

And if he wants some advice, he should consult the Telegraph, which has learnt which movies are most requested in the White House.

Of 5,000 flicks shown by the official White House projectionist, Bill Clinton watched High Noon 30 times, while Dwight Eisenhower asked for three screenings.

Richard Nixon preferred to lose himself in 1930s and 40s musicals, whereas Ronald Reagan liked Casablanca, Roman Holiday and Bedtime For Bonzo.

Bringing things up to date, the paper says that Saving Private Ryan is an all-time favourite of George W Bush.

He also loves Austin Powers who, like George, is something an international man of mystery.

After all, just how on earth was he made president – if that is indeed what he really is? Walter Mitty, over to you…

‘

Posted: 5th, August 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Wrong Kind Of Sun

‘AFTER the wrong kind of leaves, the wrong kind of snow and the wrong kind of staff comes news that the railways are in thrall to the wrong kind of sun.

The wrong kind of sun

It’s nothing to do with the sun being a non-union member, just that it is so very hot. Indeed, the Guardian says that this sun is so hot that it could cause rails to buckle.

It could also cause the paint on the top of the carriages to peel in a manner displeasing to the eye and the driver’s cup of regulation strength tea not to cool at the required rate.

Fending off any chance of industrial action, Network Rail has imposed speed restrictions of 60mph across much of southern England and the Midlands.

But the real culprit might not be under-investment and work-shy railwaymen, but global warming. The Independent asks if this heatwave is evidence that the planet is heating up.

For proof that it is, the paper shows forest fires sweeping through Portugal and Spain and watches polar bears in a French zoo slurp on mackerel-flavour ice lollies as the country swelters.

The paper moves onto Germany, where Dresden train station is a tangle of train tracks on parched grass, although the trains are moving, as they are in Italy.

Perhaps the sun’s not to blame for our impoverished rail service after all. Perhaps, it’s just the wrong kind of planet..?

‘

Posted: 5th, August 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

‘Yorkshire’ Dales Winton

‘WITH nothing else for it, Brits are using their own two feet to get around. Some are even doing it in the nude, in a practice known as ‘boots-only-hiking’.

Some ramblers didn’t bother to bring ski poles

But not everyone is a fan, and the Telegraph hears that locals in the Yorkshire Dales have been complaining at the sight of naked ramblers, and one in particular.

Police are on the lookout for a man with an all-over suntan, a floppy hat, hiking boots, socks, who has been carrying a rucksack with a white flag on top.

This man has already made himself know to a married woman on a canal tow-path, bidding her ‘good morning’ without so much as breaking his stride.

It’s nothing short of a scandal. As a local copper says: ‘It can be quite startling and upsetting to a lot of people.’

Police are already preparing a line up for the nude rambler’s eventual apprehension, and have called in look-alikes Robert Kilroy-Silk, David Dickinson, Dale Winton, Grant Bovey and Des O’Connor to help.

‘

Posted: 5th, August 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Holy Ghostwriter

‘NO one can argue with the power of religion. Just listen to Ayman al-Zawahiri, Osama bin-Laden’s second in command, talking in the Guardian.

‘In this one, the English kill Jesus’

‘I swear by the almighty God,’ says Ayman, ‘that crusader America will pay dearly for any harm done to any Muslim prisoners in its holding.’

He then says that the real battle is about to truly begin, employing a rich language that shows a terrific blend of vitriol and vengeance.

If only Mel Gibson had Ayman’s scriptwriter. Instead the actor’s employed god-botherers to pen the dialogue to his latest folly: The Passion.

As the Guardian tells us, it’s written in Aramaic and Latin.

The star, however, is already planning for the film’s certain flop, thanking a higher power for inspiration as he clutches his Golden Raspberry to his heart.

Gibson claims that ‘the Holy Ghost was working through me on this film, and I was diverting traffic’.

If employing a ghostwriter in future, Gibson should get one that speaks the same language as his audience.

And then there’s the Bible, the original book on which Gibson’s movie is based.

Paula Fredriksen, a professor in such scriptures, says that ‘between the four evangelists [Mad Max, Mark, Luke and John] Jesus speaks three different lines from the cross’.

And using our O-Level Aramaic, we don’t recall any one of them being: ‘Perhaps there’s an opening in the LA Fire Department?’

Best stick with tradition: ‘Always look on the bright side of life…’

‘

Posted: 4th, August 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Island Records

‘YOU imagine that Mel Gibson’s relationship with the Holy Ghost(writer) is much like that enjoyed by Tony Blair and Alistair Campbell.

Tony and Cliff model the Anorak E-Zee Thong

But there is no visible sign of Campbell as the Times spots Tony going to church in Barbados.

With a mission to banish snakes from the Caribbean idyll underway, the Independent notes Cherie Blair’s impact on another holiday island.

Over in Ibiza, Cherie’s voice can be heard singing ‘When I’m 64′ after her version of The Beatles’ song, which wowed the Chinese last month, was worked into a dance track.

Says one music bigwig: ‘The tune has taken off in a big way in the nightclubs all over Europe. It was treated as bit of a joke, but it’s now proved to be big favourite on the dance floor.’

Eat your heart out Cliff Richard…

‘

Posted: 4th, August 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Family Planning

‘IF only Jaguar made a people carrier, John Prescott would be an even happier man.

John was delighted to hear that his new family runabout did two miles to the gallon

As it is, John will doubtless soon take delivery of one of a less noble marque, equipping his already impressive fleet of vehicles with one into which all his extended family can fit.

Along with Prezza, his wife, sons Jonathan, 40, and 33-year-old David, is their new half-brother Paul Watton, a lieutenant-colonel in the Military Police.

The story that broke over the weekend still interests the Telegraph. That paper says how Pauline Prescott, John’s wife, gave Paul up for adoption 43 years ago.

Now the family is reunited: John is in the front with Pauline, and the boys are sitting in the back, fighting and doing all things Prescott men do.

The one issue yet to be resolved is who will sit shotgun when John drives. It’s thought that Jonathan and David used to take it in turns but, now with Paul, the situation is more complex.

A fresh approach to transport policy is needed. And what better man for the job than our very own Prezza, or Dad, as more and more of us are wont to call him…

‘

Posted: 4th, August 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Conviction Politician

‘WE all applaud politicians who are prepared to gain first-hand experience of their subject.

‘Where to, Mr Prescott?’ ‘Anywhere, so long as there’s lots of lovely traffic’

You know – Home Office ministers who spend time at Her Majesty’s pleasure, Health Secretaries who die on the operating table, disabled rights ministers who get paralytically drunk…

Remember Patrick Nicholls? He was the transport minister in the last Tory government who was forced to resign after being convicted of drink-driving.

What about Sir Nicholas Scott, a disabled rights minister who got so drunk at a Tory party conference that he lost his ability to walk and was found face down in a gutter?

And of course there’s Mr Two Jags himself, John Prescott.

As the man in charge of the country’s transport network, he can share the misery of motorists up and down Britain every day by taking his own mini-traffic jam with him wherever he goes.

It is a long and distinguished list – and to it today we must add the name of Shane Collins, the Green party spokesman on drugs.

Mr Collins was last night enjoying his fourth night behind bars after police found 19 cannabis plants growing in the basement of his Brixton home.

The Independent calls it ‘an unusual example of a politician practising what he preaches’.

And, far from disowning 41-year-old Mr Collins, the Green party says his conviction is proof that the drugs law in this country needs to change.

For the past six years, Collins himself has called for the ‘possession, trade and cultivation’ of cannabis to be legalised and for drug ‘pubs’ to be set up.

The Coke And Horses, The White Line, The Brown Horse, The Camberwell Carrot…

‘

Posted: 1st, August 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

When In Rome…

‘THE Roman Catholic Church may sometimes appear to be little more than a global paedophile network, but it has a serious purpose as well.

‘…at the Y. M. C. A’

It stands as a sign of religious intolerance in an increasingly secular world – a Christian counterpoint to some of the radical teachings in the mosques.

And so the Pope yesterday launched a global campaign against the legalisation of gay marriages, branding such unions ‘evil’ and ‘deviant’.

‘Marriage is holy, whereas homosexual acts go against the natural moral law,’ says the Vatican pronouncement (reproduced in the Times).

And it urges Catholic and non-Catholic politicians to campaign against what it sees as ‘the deeply alarming trend in Europe and America towards giving homosexual unions legal status’.

Already, he has recruited President Bush to the cause, with the Times saying that the White House is looking to have marriage strictly defined as a union of a man and woman.

Getting Catholic priests on his side might be harder – first, he’s got to persuade them to take their hands out of the trousers of their choirboys…

‘

Posted: 1st, August 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Voices Off

‘SIR Denis Thatcher, we were told when he died last month, was in fact nothing like the right-wing, drunken golf bore of caricature.

‘Why did the golfer take two pairs of trousers on a round?’ I don’t know. ‘In case some bloody immigrant stole the ones he was wearing’

He was clever, politically astute and a successful businessman in his own right who only played up to the Denis of Private Eye’s Dear Bill fame because it was convenient to do so.

Well, it seems it was a part that Sir Denis played to perfection right up to his death, as the Telegraph witnesses during his last interview.

John Major is described as ‘a ghastly prime minister’ who destroyed the Tory party, while Tony Blair merits only ‘that bloody man’.

‘The whole of the situation of the Conservative Party today springs from that night when they dismissed the best prime minister the country has had since Churchill,’ he says.

He recalls how he wooed the young Margaret Thatcher – ‘a nice-looking young woman, always has been’ – on a tour of France in his ‘tart trap’ of a sports car.

And he reveals that he still had an eye for the ladies even into his dotage, most notably Nancy Reagan and Barbara Bush.

‘Mark you, I never took any liberties, you know,’ he says in the interview, which will be broadcast on Channel 4 on Sunday.

‘I wasn’t trying to get off with them or anything like that ’cause that’s not my style.’

The Guardian, meanwhile, recalls that Sir Denis’ pet hate was the BBC, while his weakness, apart from gin and tonic, was the apartheid regime in South Africa.

On one occasion, it remembers, he shouted at anti-apartheid demonstrators: ‘Why don’t you all just bugger off to Moscow?’

How people got the idea that he was a right-wing drunk, we really don’t know…

‘

Posted: 1st, August 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Beetle Mania

‘FOR years now, the common flea has had an uncommon claim to fame – it has been renowned throughout the animal kingdom as the world’s greatest jumper.

Froghopper is now looking to dominate the long jump as well

No longer. That accolade now belongs to a beetle which spends most of its life encased in cuckoo spit but which has emerged as a kind of insect Dick Fosbury.

The spittle bug, otherwise known as the froghopper, can leap to heights of 70cm, according to scientists at Cambridge University – the equivalent of a human hurdling a 210m skyscraper.

Using a high-speed camera, entomologist Dr Malcolm Burrow discovered that froghoppers use pent-up energy to accelerate to speeds of up to 4,000m/s.

‘Fleas are considered to be the champion jumpers, but here I show that froghoppers are in fact the real champions and that they achieve their supremacy by using a novel catapult mechanism for jumping,’ he tells the Independent.

In fact, the froghopper is easily the flea’s superior, being able to exert a force of more than 400 times its body weight, compared with a flea at 135 times and a human at about three times.

Elsewhere in the animal Olympics, the cheetah narrowly edged out the roe dear in the 200m, the orang-utan won the shot-putt but there was a surprise in the pole vault, which was won by a lowly locust from the Gambia.

‘

Posted: 31st, July 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Kick A Fat Cat Day

‘IF you wonder why so few cats feature in the roll-call of champions at the animal Olympics, it is because most of them are too busy gorging themselves at home.

BHP dug a big hole for Brian Gilbertson to stash his money

More specifically, you can find them on the front page of this morning’s Guardian, their whiskers drenched in cream and their stomachs bloated from overconsumption.

Yes, another day and another fat cat expose, this one from the paper’s special survey of boardroom pay in the FTSE-100 index of top companies.

The broad facts are these – last year, shares in the UK’s top 100 companies declined by 24%; average earnings rose by 3%; boardroom earnings rose by 23%.

The average pay of a FTSE-100 chief executive, including all the share options and other benefits, is an obscene £1.67m.

But for some that would just be beer money.

Take Brian Gilbertson, until recently the chief executive of BHP Billiton, whose basic salary of £798,842 was boosted to a total package of £9.1m.

He has since been kicked out of the company after a boardroom row, taking with him a golden handshake worth some £16m.

If we thought any of these people had any shame, we would name every single one of them.

But suffice it to say that boardroom pay has risen by a cumulative 84% over the past three years, in every one of which the FTSE-100 has fallen.

In response to which, Anorak proclaims tomorrow the inaugural Kick A Fat Cat Day.

Remember to take some heavy shoes to work…

‘

Posted: 31st, July 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Greek Tragedy

‘GIVEN that British justice has not exactly been infallible over the years (as many Irishmen could testify), we have to be a bit wary at criticising other countries’ systems.

The Johnson brothers show off their welcome from the Greek police

But the Telegraph this morning wades in where the other papers fear to tread in support of the Johnson family, three of whom were given jail sentences yesterday in a Greek court.

Vera Johnson was given a three-month sentence for threatening behaviour for allegedly swearing and throwing a kebab at shopkeeper Dimitris Karamichalous.

Her sons, Frederick and Christian, were given 12-month sentences for causing grievous bodily harm to the 49-year-old, who suffered a broken leg in a fracas on an Athens street.

They claim that Mr Karamichalous launched an unprovoked attack on them for eating a souvlaki kebab outside his shop and that he broke his leg when he fell trying to hit Christian with a metal bar.

He claimed that he was thrown to the ground by a karate move and that his leg was broken by a very hard kick or a blow from a metal bar.

But it is the process of justice that appals the Telegraph.

‘During the four-hour hearing at Athens criminal court, the main prosecution was read, with no opportunity for cross-examination,’ it says.

‘Police statements were contradictory and the British defendants had only five minutes each to state their case.’

There was no forensic evidence, the metal bar was not recovered, no statement was taken from the defendants and, in all, the whole process took less than four days.

No wonder Home Secretary David Blunkett is believed to be following the case closely – it’s only a matter of time before he adopts such practices here…

‘

Posted: 31st, July 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Rally Cross

‘THE British bobby may traditionally be better at telling the time and giving directions than his foreign counterpart, but he’s always been pretty rubbish at solving crimes.

‘And the car failed its emissions test, Mr McRae’

In fact, had it not been for amateur sleuths like Father Brown and Miss Marple or professional ones like Sherlock Holmes and Hercule Poirot, barely a single murderer would have seen the inside of a prison cell in the past 150 years.

But what he lacks in what Poirot used to call ‘the little grey cells’, Old Bill makes up for in cunning.

So desperate were South Wales police to improve their detection rates they decided to lay a speed trap for unsuspecting motorists…at the Rally Great Britain.

‘With thousands of fans expected to attend, it was assumed that a good few would be caught trying to emulate their heroes’ high-speed antics,’ the Times explains.

‘What the force had not counted on, however, was catching 20 of the world’s top rally drivers as they dashed between the event’s different stages on public roads.’

Among the drivers caught and now facing disqualification are several former world champions, such as Colin Mcrae, Richard Burns, Tommi Makinen and Carlos Sainz.

Belgian Freddy Loix is accused of breaking the 30mph speed limit seven times on the same day.

The World Rally Championship said banned drivers would still be allowed to compete, but they would have to get someone else to drive them between stages.

Police in Northamptonshire are believed to be kicking themselves after hearing of their South Wales colleagues’ coup.

They could have had the licences of all the drivers at the British Grand Prix at Silverstone before they’d got round the first corner.

‘

Posted: 30th, July 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Carve His Face With Pride

‘HAVE you ever wondered what is on the side of Mount Rushmore that we never see, the one without the faces of Presidents Washington, Lincoln, Jefferson and Theodore Roosevelt?

‘There’s some chump behind me trying to swallow a pretzel whole’

Well, just as there are carvings of America’s best presidents on the south face, so there are carvings of America’s worst presidents on the north face.

There is the ineffectual John Quincy Adams, the unpopular Franklin Pierce, the downright crooked Richard Millhouse Nixon…and room for one more.

But hark! Do we not hear the sound of chisels working at the granite, carving out the handsome visage of none other than the present incumbent, George Dubya Bush?

And all the while cheering them along is the Independent, which this morning adds a couple more charges to the growing indictment against the 43rd president.

It says that Bush is currently seeking funds for a controversial project to drive gas pipelines from pristine rainforests in the Peruvian Amazon to the Pacific coast.

‘The plan,’ the paper says, ‘will enrich some of Mr Bush’s closest corporate campaign contributors while risking the destruction of rainforest, threatening its indigenous peoples and endangering rare species on the coast.’

Among the companies to benefit are Kellogg Brown & Root, a subsidiary of Haliburton, Vice President Dick Cheney’s former company, which is of course currently involved in the lucrative business of rebuilding Iraq’s oil infrastructure.

Faster with the chisels, boys…

‘

Posted: 30th, July 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Call Waiting

‘THE American-led coalition may have won the war in Iraq pretty quickly, but they are doing a fine job of losing the peace.

‘prez bsh u r a wnkr’

The Independent says that a Bahraini company that had established a mobile phone network in Baghdad has been forced to scrap its plans because of US pressure.

The GSM network meant that foreign businessmen and journalists had been able to abandon their expensive satellite phones for the first time.

It had also given ordinary Iraqis access to mobile telephony for the very first time.

But the US authorities want to hold a tender (US-speak for giving the contract to an American company) for what promises to be some of the most lucrative contracts in post-Saddam Iraq.

Rashid al-Snan, regional operations manager of Batelco, said: ‘I feel really sorry – sorry for the Iraqis and sorry for the foreigners who were using the network.

‘It’s a pity we had to stop. We really put in an effort and felt a cheer coming towards us from all over the world.’

Part of the problem is that the United States hasn’t yet decided which technology should be used throughout the three regional networks.

Should it be GSM, as used in Europe, the Middle East and many other parts of the world, or should it be CDMA as used in the United States and, er, nowhere else..?

‘

Posted: 30th, July 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

The Wages Of Sin

‘AN Englishman’s home, they say, is his castle – quite literally, one suspects, with many Telegraph readers.

‘God, is Tony Parsons still getting paid to write this rubbish?’

Which is no doubt why the paper has always been a valiant supporter of Tony Martin, the Norfolk farmer who was jailed for shooting and killing a burglar on his premises.

So, while the other papers are all upset by the fact that the 58-year-old has sold his story to the Daily Mirror for a six-figure sum, the Telegraph doesn’t bat an eyelid.

Instead, it prepares to welcome new laws from Home Secretary David Blunkett to prevent burglars suing their victims.

Martin is currently being sued for £15,000 by Brendan Fearon, who claims he hasn’t been able to find work since being shot in the leg by Martin in 1999.

Given that Fearon is described as a 33-year-old career criminal, one can only assume that honour among thieves doesn’t run to disability benefit or equal opportunities employment.

And given that he not only managed to get himself shot but has also just finished a term in chokey, perhaps his incompetence as a criminal might be a better explanation for his lack of work.

However, even if the proposed new law were already on the statute books, it would not apply in this case.

The Telegraph says it is only relevant where the householder had acted ‘reasonably and proportionately in self-defence’, for instance in cases where burglars have sued after falling from a window or gashing their hand while breaking in.

Martin was found not to have acted reasonably or proportionately in the shooting of Fred Barras, which is why he was convicted first of murder, later reduced to manslaughter.

That is why papers like the Independent talk of an ‘uproar’ over the news that the Mirror has paid more than £100,000 for a convicted criminal’s story.

The PCC code bans newspapers from paying criminals ‘except where the material concerned ought to be published in the public interest’.

The paper says that whatever happens, the farmer is not likely to go short of money, with a soon-to-be-published book with the ‘less than charming’ working title, My Right To Kill.

Soon to be followed by the sequel, My Right To Cash In On My Notoriety…

‘

Posted: 29th, July 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment