Country Life

‘DISAPPEARING sparrows, cockatiels who whistle the 1812 Overture, a north-south ornithological divide…the papers have been full of bird stories in recent weeks.

‘It’s a lovely area, but the property prices are ridiculous’

And this morning the Telegraph has more news of our feathered friends, with a report that urban songbirds are raising the pitch of their voices to make themselves heard about the city roar.

‘But the sounds of city life may be harming the chaffinch, dunnock and other birds, whose vocal range is unable to soar above the din,’ it says.

Now, we at Anorak do not profess to being experts when it comes to matters ornithological.

So perhaps someone can explain to us why, if city life is so bad, these birds don’t just pack up their nests and move to the country.

It’s not as if they’ve got jobs in the city or they don’t want to upset their fledglings by taking them out of school.

There are, we are led to believe, plenty of trees in the country and plenty of bass parts for a dunnock to take in his local choir.

Just a thought… ‘

Posted: 17th, July 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Song For Whoever

‘WANTED: A Tchaikovsky-loving, insomniac, bird enthusiast who has recently lost a cockatiel in the Sunderland area.

And introducing, on percussion…

You wouldn’t have thought there were many people meeting the above description, but for James and Elaine Redhead one cannot come forward quick enough.

The couple provide a temporary home to lost birds for the RSPCA, and so were happy to welcome a grey and yellow cockatiel called Spiky when it was brought in eight days ago.

But in just a week Spiky has managed to drive them to distraction by whistling excerpts from the 1812 Overture at the ungodly hour of 4am.

‘Every morning at 4am, he stands to attention and starts whistling, which sets all the other birds off and wakes everyone up,’ Mrs Redmond tells the Times.

‘Someone must have taken a lot of time and trouble training him, so I’m sure they are missing him and it’s only right that he should go back to his true owner.’

An RSPCA spokeswoman said she was confident that Spiky’s owner would come forward – although maybe not after discovering the joys of a good night sleep.

If the owner doesn’t come forward, the Redmonds could always try playing the cockatiel at his own game.

After all, a shotgun could easily recreate the live cannons in the Tchaikovsky overture…

‘

Posted: 16th, July 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

A & E-By-Gum

‘GOOD news – hospital services are improving. Bad news – you can’t get there to find out.

‘These plastic dummies are buggers to resuscitate’

That’s the message on the front of the Times, which looks at the first independent audit of the health service.

The paper reports that of 166 hospital trusts surveyed, 50 had improved from last year, 35 had got worse and 81 had stayed the same.

But ambulance services have deteriorated, although the Times suggests this may be because the services had misrepresented their performance in the past and were now being more honest.

Another trend to emerge from the audit is that people in rural areas tend to get better healthcare than those in the cities.

So next time the yokels start getting uppity because there isn’t yet a Starbucks in every village, just remind them of that.

They will live longer – even if they haven’t got anything much to live for.

‘

Posted: 16th, July 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

In A Spin

‘WHEN Michelangelo crafted his 14ft high masterpiece, the statue of David, almost exactly 500 years ago, he omitted one very vital thing.

Another cold day in Florence

No, not a bigger willy, although it is true that David could use an extra few inches in that department.

He forgot to add a label with washing instructions for the statue – and has consequently provoked a heated argument over whether the marble is dry clean only.

The statue, which hasn’t been cleaned since 1843, is now caked in grime and there are still traces of protective wax left over from his last bath (in hydrochloric acid).

And the Italian government wants it spruced up ready for its 500th birthday next year – but how?

The Guardian explains that Franca Falletti, director of Florence’s Gallria dell’Accademia, believes that wet poultices are needed to suck the grime from the statue’s pores.

But restorer Agnese Parronchi is convinced that the dirt should only be brushed away using hair brushes – and has resigned in protest at Ms Falletti’s intended methods.

However, the Independent says that, ‘despite an anguished petition in support of Ms Parronchi from scholars all over the world’, another restorer has been appointed to carry out what is likely to be the world’s most expensive sponge bath.

Ms Parronchi told the paper that the salt that had formed over the years was part of the masterpiece itself, and argued that washing would make the surface too uniform, hiding the natural colours and veins of the marble.

It should also be pointed out that washing something that is marked ‘Dry clean only’ can lead to shrinkage – and that is something that David really cannot afford.

‘

Posted: 16th, July 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Pearly White House

‘WE all know that Government ministers have expensive tastes in wallpaper. Well, it looks like they’re not much into cheap toilet bags either.

Tony treasured his birthday card from George

When Tony was looking for a present to give his new best friend George, he wanted something personal, something that George would remember him by.

He considered buying one of those nodding dogs and even thought of sending a CD of Ugly Rumours’ Greatest Hits, before plumping for the toilet bag.

‘It was clearly no ordinary bag,’ notes the Guardian, which has been rummaging through George’s present drawer, ‘as it was embossed with a gold monogram and officially valued at $351 (£216), probably much more if it ever found its way onto eBay.’

The paper doesn’t specify the exact nature of the monogram, although favourites include ‘TB 4 GB’ and ‘DUMB & DUBYA’.

But why a toilet bag? The Guardian thinks it is possibly a witty echo of Mr Bush’s remark at their first meeting that the two men used the same toothpaste.

Or it may just be a none-too-subtle hint about the President’s personal hygiene.

What is for sure is that is wasn’t the most expensive present that George Dubya has received – the Saudis gave him a $1m oil painting and the Italians an alabaster sculpture depicting The Allegory Of The Triumph.

Nor, however, was it the cheapest present – Morocco sent a $3 jar of fish bait, Canada a $20 pen holder and Poland a paperback book on fighting terrorism.

As the President has famously only read one book in his life, we fear the Polish present is destined to lie unread on a White House bookshelf.

After all, after almost two years George Dubya still hasn’t finished Eating Pretzels For Dummies…

‘

Posted: 15th, July 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

eBay Of Pigs

‘WHAT is the difference between President Kennedy’s boxer shorts and President Bush’s head? There’s a lot more going on in one than the other.

‘Whoops! I think I might have followed through there…’

But there is also an important similarity – both have a price on them.

But while evil folks plot to destroy George W Bush, any one of us could become the proud owner of JFK’s underwear, which goes under the hammer on Saturday.

Lot 173, for instance, is described as World War II Navy-issue white cotton boxer shorts with snap closures and drawstring waist and label ‘Jack Kennedy’ sewn in red.

And, according to the Times, Lot 175 is also a pair of JFK’s boxer shorts, these described as ‘soiled front and back’.

Soiled with what exactly we do not know, and nor do we know why.

Perhaps they were the pants that the President wore during the Cuban Missile Crisis or perhaps he was wearing them when Jackie came home unexpectedly early one evening.

Whatever, they are among a selection of intimate objects owned by the Kennedys and collected by Mary Gallagher, JFK’s personal assistant and Providencia Paredes, Mrs Kennedy’s private attendant until her death.

‘So many people were asking Providencia what the Kennedys were like as people,’ says auctioneer Paula Hantman.

‘This gives every American the chance to find out by owning something belonging to them.’

After all, nothing says more about a man than a skidmark or two…

‘

Posted: 15th, July 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Pasta Masters

‘LASAGNE is as Italian as blokes pinching girls’ bottoms, footballers diving for penalties and politicians insulting the Germans. Or is it?

The centre of Huddersfield

A report in this morning’s Telegraph suggests that it is, in fact, a British dish.

The world’s oldest recipe book, The Forme Of Cury, which was commissioned by King Richard II in 1390, describes a dish called loseyns (pronounced lasan) made from flat pasta and cheese.

It says: ‘Take good broth and do in an erthen pot. Take flour of paynedemayn and make erof past with ater and make erof thynne foyles as paper with a roller; drye harde and see it in broth.

‘Take chese ruayn grated and lay it in dishes with powder douce and lay eron loseyns isode as hole as you might and above powdour and chese; and so twyse or thryse & serue it forth.’

The Telegraph concedes that no mention is made of meat or tomatoes, the latter because they only started to be used for cooking in this country 200 years later.

The Italians quickly pooh-poohed the idea, saying: ‘Whatever this old dish was called, it was not lasagne as we make it.’

And further doubt was cast on its authenticity when it was pointed out that the recipe bore a remarkable resemblance to the average GCSE Home Economics essay.

‘

Posted: 15th, July 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Vive La Difference

‘IT’S Monday, the sun is shining across the country and the Eurostar has just set a new speed record, reaching 169mph on a new stretch of track.

Eurostar unveil their latest prototype

Even that record, we are told, is unlikely to last long, with a company spokesman saying that trains would try for a 204mph record when track testing is complete at the end of the month.

Yes, you could almost be forgiven for thinking you were in France, were it not for the absence of stroppy waiters and men in strange coloured Lycra cycling everywhere.

But such dreams/nightmares* (* delete according to whether you supported the war in Iraq) quickly hit the buffers as we read the full story in the Times.

For, as Eurostar was patting itself on the back after breaking the 24-year-old rail speed record, passengers at Waterloo were climbing on a bus for an eight-hour journey to Paris.

All cross-channel services yesterday were cancelled for engineering work on the first section of the £5.2bn Channel Tunnel Rail Link, which opens in the autumn.

When it opens, trains are expected to run routinely at 186mph, thereby cutting 25 minutes off the current three-hour journey time to Paris.

However, for newly-weds Helen and Adrian Feeney, embarking on their Parisien honeymoon, a sweltering bus journey was hardly the dream start to their holiday.

And, in true British style, they were only too keen to vent their fury, telling the Times that they were ‘pretty fed-up’ about it.

To rub it in still further, the Times tells us that the British rail speed record is still considerably less than the world record of 320mph – set in France.

‘

Posted: 14th, July 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Roe Betide You

‘RUSSIAN customs officers are mourning the loss of the country’s only ‘sniffer cat’ – run over and killed in what looks to all the world as a mafia contract killing.

Batik – believed to be the brains behind both deaths

Rusik had become the scourge of the Stavropol region’s mafia for his success in hunting out caviar being smuggled from the Caspian Sea to Moscow and thence to the West.

It is a lucrative trade, worth an estimated £1bn a year – but in recent months it had been severely curtailed by the talented Siamese’s nose for the sturgeon’s roe.

‘One day, Rusik just leapt into the boot of a passing car at a checkpoint and immediately sniffed out some sturgeon,’ police officer ergei Kovalenko told the Telegraph.

‘After that, we decided to use him all the time.’

However, Rusik’s celebrity was his undoing – and, soon after his prowess was publicised last week, he was mown down by a car in which he had once discovered smuggled sturgeon.

Another sniffer cat, Barsik, died a couple of weeks after eating a poisoned mouse.

Cat lovers, however, should not get too upset. Both Barsik and Rusik are now in some kind of aquatic cat heaven – swimming with the fishes.

‘

Posted: 14th, July 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Sympathy For The Devil

‘THERE are all sorts of miscreants jostling for space on the front page of this morning’s papers.

The Devil is believed to have used fire and brimstone

Zimbabwean president Robert Mugabe has been given a senior role within the African Union, an organisation set up to promote good governance on the continent.

It is a move that might strike us as akin to putting the Child-Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang in charge of Unicef or Silvio Berlusconi in charge of the European Union.

But the Telegraph reminds us that it is not without precedent – in the 1970s Ugandan dictator Idi Amin was head of the AU’s predecessor, the Organisation For African Unity.

It is not clear whether Saddam Hussein still has ambitions of high office, but the Independent assures us that he is still alive and living near Baghdad.

So claims a former head of Iraqi intelligence – which means, if they’re anything like their British counterparts, that Saddam is either dead or sunning himself on a beach in Brazil.

However, General Wafiq al-Samarrai also claims that with Saddam is Ali Hassan al-Majid, otherwise known as Chemical Ali – a man who we were assured had been killed in the fighting near Basra.

Which disputed war claim leads us neatly on to Tony Blair, whose silhouette appears on the front page of the Guardian against a backdrop that looks remarkably like the fires of Hell.

Of course, this can only be an illusion for we all know that a space for Tony has been reserved in Paradise by the right hand of God.

We can only conclude that Tony has decided to try to effect regime change in Hades itself and bring the Devil’s reign of terror to an end…

‘

Posted: 14th, July 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Sexing Up School

‘AS Leo Blair approaches school age, Government think tanks are working tirelessly to explain and then reverse the trend of boys doing badly at school.

Catch Tony And The Rhythm Methods at the church hall this Sunday and every Sunday

The latest initiative, as reported in the Independent, is for something called ‘gender-based seating’. In simple terms this means placing a boy next to a girl and so on.

A survey by Ofsted, the education watchdog, says that in a survey of over 200 schools, those that had chosen the mixed seating policy reported improved academic performances by both sexes.

But the scheme’s real worth will surely come when one other Government body, the Independent Advisory Group on Teenage Pregnancy, gets its wish for primary school children as young as five to be educated on sexual maters.

Think how proud Tony and Cherie will be when Leo comes home from school and tells them that he’s popping upstairs to do his sex studies practical with the Browns’ girl from next door.

If he reads the Times, Leo will also be able to tell mum and dad that the rhythm method, the only form of birth control permitted by the Catholic church, doesn’t work.

Just listen to Roger Pierson of Saskatchewan University. He says that the so-called safe period, when women are not receptive to insemination, is a fallacy.

‘We all know people trying to use natural family planning, and we have a word for those people,’ he says. ‘We call them parents.’

And their children we call Leo…

‘

Posted: 11th, July 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Playing A Round

‘ONE man who perhaps should sit in on primary school classes in sex is Bill Clinton. After all, this is the man who is unsure what the term ‘sexual relations’ actually means.

‘I’m telling you, Monica, this is how they play golf in Thailand. Now, remove the flag…’

We, of course, know. Sexual relations mean a political career for Mrs Clinton as the wronged women of substance and a life on the celebrity circuit for Miss Monica Lewinsky.

Meanwhile, the Telegraph spots Bill preparing to putt a ball in the direction of a hole.

‘Bill Clinton yesterday united his two loves,’ says the paper, inviting readers to insert any two of the words: cigars, Bill, Monica, interns, Chelsea, sax and – oh yeah – Hilary.

The two loves chosen by the paper are Ireland and golf. Bill apparently loves them both, and has just bought a two-bedroom flat on a plot of land bordering Ireland’s prestigious Kildare Hotel and Country Club, better known as the K Club.

Great news for Bill. And good news for Hillary who can finally admit that her husband is not with her because he’s playing a round…

‘

Posted: 11th, July 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Northern Exposure

‘AFTER yesterday’s picture of Clive the model sparrow, the Guardian introduces its readers to Barry, the robin red breast.

Barry

Barry offers his best side to the camera and illustrates the story that woodland species of birds are thriving in the northern reaches of England.

Which is just about all that is given the news that life is tougher up north, with more child poverty, less work and more crime than in the south.

The quality-of-life indicators, released by the Department of Rural Affairs, show that the North East is bottom of the league in all things.

The one respite given to Geordies is that they will have to endure their misery for two years less than their southern contemporaries, finally escaping the benighted region at the age of 74 for men and 79 for women.

But Mr Elliott Morley, the environment minister, is more interested by the Guardian wildlife story and Barry.

Attributing the rising numbers of woodland birds to the common agricultural policy, he says that when farming regimes change, birds thrive.

Just ask Steve, the Norfolk turkey…

‘

Posted: 11th, July 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Hanover And Out

‘ANYONE contemplating a last minute summer break can now take advantage of a trip to Pesaro on Italy’s sun-dappled Adriatic coast.

What do you mean they’ve taken all of the towels?

The dolce vita is open to all non Germans who can name the three Italian capos to have lifted football’s World Cup and give answer to the question: ‘What’s the difference between a German and a shopping trolley?’

Anyone not in that group can join German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder in Hanover for much belching, drinking and cooking of enormous sausages.

The reasons behind one German’s unstereotypical decision to drape a towel on his own sunbed are rooted in the infamous Nazi remarks made by Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi less than a week ago, and supplied with little prompting by the Telegraph once again.

In a statement issued by Schroeder to the German people and Italian tourist board, he says that he ‘does not want to put his family through further speculation about the little vacation time they have together’.

To this Berlusconi offers only the rather ambiguous comment: ‘I’m sorry for him.’

But it’s the Italian who is most deserving of pity, with Telegraph saying that some Italian politicians are now hoping for a collapse in the Berlusconi coalition.

At the most fundamental level, the papers tell readers that Germans account for 38% of Italy’s tourist trade.

And with the German habit for following their leader, a slump in the Italian tourists industry is surely on the way…

‘

Posted: 10th, July 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Migrating Birds

‘TWITCHERS who think the house sparrow is not a migratory beast can think again.

To book Clive for private photography sessions call Lincoln 876 5486

Each year for the past five or more, examples of the passer domesticus make the move from bird box and nest to the pages of the papers.

Just look at the Independent, where one of their number sits on a small twig, showing his best side to the camera.

His name’s Clive, a sparrow model whose been adopting this pose so beloved by newspaper editors since scientists first noticed a fall in sparrow numbers.

But the drop is not across the board, and while there are only, on average, 4.53 sparrows in each Cockney London garden there are an impressive 9.41 in the green spaces of Lincolnshire.

One theory, espoused in the Times, is that the fall in numbers is in someway liked to a scarcity of food.

Amazing as it seems, ‘house sparrows are more likely to be present where food is provided’.

They really are so very intelligent, but they still need our help.

In partnership with the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds, the Times wants us to leave fresh water and food out for birds all year round.

And if you can also attract some domestic rats and other vermin, so much the better…

‘

Posted: 10th, July 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Had Their Chips

‘THE days of chips with everything are drawing to a close.

‘You’ll never take me alive!’

The Independent reports that the humble potato is under attack from noxious pests, like the spud-free Atkins diet and the popularity of rarer vegetables.

As a result, the British Potato Council is launching a campaign to restore the potato to it position as mainstay of the British plate under the slogan ‘Fab not fad’.

‘Not only are potatoes great for energy, but they are low in salt, almost fat-free, cholesterol-free and with important vitamins and minerals,’ enthuses Fiona Hunt, a nutritionist for the council.

And if you are lucky enough to find a sparrow to go with them, you’ve got yourself a great meal.

‘

Posted: 10th, July 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Sexed-Up Lies & Videotape

‘WHAT is clear about the fall-out from the farce of the Government’s Iraq dossiers is that the BBC, Government and the men in shiny suits at MI6 operate a swap shop of information.

‘Where’s the whistle?’

It’s a bit like the alleged relationship between Al Jazeera, the Arabic TV station, and the Iraqi security services, only obviously far less awful and underhand.

But even in this small world there is room for secrecy and subterfuge, and the Guardian leads today with news that the Beeb is refusing the name its whistle blower.

In any case, the Ministry of Defence says that is knows who he is. Yesterday it released a statement saying it had identified the possible source of the broadcaster’s story into ‘sexed-up’ dossiers.

We now know that this official is ‘middle-ranking’, an ‘expert on WMD’ and for all we know wears a large bristling moustache and answers to the name Saddam.

He also may or may not live in the inhospitable isolation of Niger. This country has been in the news of late, being as it is the source of Saddam’s uranium.

Or not – because the Independent says the George Bush administration is in ‘full retreat’ over the claim that the deposed Iraqi leader was trying to buy uranium from the African county.

The statement issued by the White House says that reports ‘suggest’ Iraq was looking to buy uranium in Africa, but the intelligence was ‘not detailed or specific enough for us to be certain that attempts were in fact made’.

Shame that President Bush used the claim in his State of the Union address.

Which raises the question in the mind of Michael Ancram, the shadow Foreign Secretary as to whether or not we went to war on a false premise.

With the BBC, the Government and the spooks searching for the truth, however, at least we know that we will never find out.

‘

Posted: 9th, July 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Plane Madness

‘THE mere mention of the European Court of Human Rights is enough to introduce a state of catatonia in most readers.

‘There’s Barnes below us now…’

Luckily, those reading the Guardian and who live near an airport are awakened from their slumber by the sound of 747s chopping up the air.

And the din of approaching aircraft is set to get worse, since the last word in European justice ruled yesterday that aircraft noise does not violate human rights.

If the aircraft are dropping bombs on your hamlet, the matter is somewhat altered, and this ruling is concerned mainly with commercial aircraft flying at night.

Passengers who search for cheap flights will be happy that night flights have been given the official go ahead; residents who live below the flightpath will be less so.

Take Katie Gent – as the Guardian does. She lives in Barnes, for ages one of the most boring places on God’s earth…but no longer.

‘It’s like Clapham Junction in the sky,’ says she of the overhead traffic, albeit without the mugging potential and the sudden stops in mid-journey.

Someone calling himself Raymond Hounslow from Hounslow says that he can’t sit in his garden when the planes are flying over.

‘I wouldn’t care to eat vegetables grown in my garden because of the aviation fuel,’ says he.

This throws up a few questions. Is it fair that residents are tortured by planes flying overhead? And if Mr Hounslow isn’t eating the vegetables grown in his garden, who is?

Answers on a blackened carrot to the usual address.

‘

Posted: 9th, July 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Stereotype Cast

‘IT’S a shame the Germans have no sense of humour, given that they give the rest of us so much cause for laughter.

Italy and Germany in happier times

Of course, that is an untrue statement, a concept based on a stereotype of the kind that pollutes the mind of Silvio Berlusconi.

Germans are no more humourless robots who jump to orders and like fighting than Italians talk with their hands, eat pasta and respond unquestioningly to German instruction.

And in the spirit of laying such ignorant ideas to waste, the Telegraph hears once more from Senor Stefano Stefani, the junior Italian minister, member of the xenophobic Northern League and Berlusconi loyalist.

In a spirit of brotherhood, Stefani says that he would like German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder to go on holiday with him, saying how he is ‘not as bad as most Germans’.

For a start, Herr Schroeder is not one of the ‘stereotypical blondes with hyper-nationalistic pride’ that Stefani talked of earlier this week.

On the contrary, he is dark of hair – which is not dyed in any way at all…

‘

Posted: 9th, July 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Desert Storm

‘INSTEAD of sexing up (or sexing down) dossiers, the Prime Minister should work on sexing up his own image, as today’s Times reports that voters are losing faith in him and his Government.

Jammin’ today – and jammin’ tomorrow

To the paper’s question, ‘How would you vote if there were a General Election tomorrow?’, 36% of respondents say Labour, 34% say Tory, 21% answer Liberal Dem and 9% opt for a party called ‘Other’.

But before Tony and the Blairios strap on their PVC catsuits and step onto the church stage for one last rabble-rousing concert and before Cherie raises the hems of her leather skirts, there are questions to the answered.

One of the chief reasons for the fall in the Government’s popularity is the Iraq effect.

And, as the Independent reports, yesterday’s published findings from the Foreign Affairs Select Committee say the ‘jury is still out’ on the accuracy of the Government’s now infamous dossier.

As a verdict from a political jury, ‘the jury is still out’ leaves something to be desired.

The committee’s MPs talk of a feeling of ‘continuing disquiet and unease’ about the validity of the dossier, a sense that is ‘unlikely to be dispelled unless more evidence of Iraq’s WMD programmes comes to light’.

You can see Euan Blair unwrapping his new metal detector right now. ‘Wicked! And where did you say I’m spending my gap year, dad?’ ‘Iraq, son. There’s plenty of beach.’

But if mum Cherie is worried about her boy, she need not be, because the Times says the committee did find that the Government gave ‘undue prominence’ to the claim that Saddam Hussein could launch biological and chemical weapons in 45 minutes.

Euan can take as long as he likes, but he should be on his guard for the sun and the flies…

‘

Posted: 8th, July 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Cab Rank

‘WITH Tony and his gang’s popularity sinking by the day, the time is surely ripe for a leadership challenge from that old-fashioned socialist and Mayor of London, Ken Livingstone.

‘I had someone apart from Ken Livingstone in the back of my cab once’

You can see Ken stepping into his cab, and heading to Iraq to sort out the mess over there. It’s then back in the taxi for a tour of the States, the driver keeping the meter running while Ken pops into the UN and finds a solution to world hunger and religious bigotry.

It will be some cab fare but it will be worth it. In any case, as the Telegraph says, Ken’s already spent £3,000 on taxi fares in the last year in readiness for his role.

Clever old Ken has by-passed the London congestion charge – the one he created to reduce traffic and pollution in the capital – by hopping in cabs.

And in declining a free bus and Tube pass, Ken saved London’s sardine-like commuters having the life squeezed out of them by one extra body.

Already Ken’s lead is being followed – and even bettered. Nicky Gavron, Ken’s Labour opponent at the next mayoral elections, spent £4,484.92 of Londoners’ money on cabs.

Like Ken, she declined the offer of a free travel card, preferring to support the beleaguered cabbies in their time of need.

Ken’s radical policy is working well. It can’t be long before he’s taking a cab to the doors of No.10…

‘

Posted: 8th, July 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Heil Caesar

‘THE new euro coins and notes should simply carry the message ‘Don’t mention the war’ written in every language of the European Union.

Gerhard Schroeder celebrates winning the Dale Winton lookalike contest

It’s a message not being made clear enough for four pupils at a secondary school in Wales.

The Independent says that the four, all aged 13, have been suspended for making Hitler salutes at their German supply teacher.

The school’s headteacher is shocked and appalled and says that the incident may have been connected to the recent comments by the beloved Italian Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi.

His boss having told German MEP Martin Schulz that he would make a good Kapo in the Lagers Of Auschwitz, one of Berlusconi’s colleagues, a junior Italian minister called Stefano Stefani, has taken up the anti-German drum.

In a letter published in an Italian paper, Stefani calls Germans ‘hyper-nationalistic blondes’.

‘We know the Germans well…indoctrinated from the beginning to feel top of the class whatever the situation,’ he says.

Stefani then moves on to the question of the aforementioned Herr Schulz.

He concludes that ‘he probably grew up taking part in noisy burping contests, after drinking gigantic amounts of beer and gorging himself on potatoes’.

The result is that Gerhard Schroeder, the German chancellor, is threatening to cancel his annual holiday in Italy.

Rumours are that he plans to visit the Czech Republic instead, before moving onto Poland, Hungary, Norway, Denmark, Holland, Belgium, France…

‘

Posted: 8th, July 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Biased Broadcasting Corporation

‘POLITICS is a knock-about affair and, battered and bruised from accusations about ‘sexed up’ dossiers and plagiarised policy documents, the Government seems to be playing its joker.

‘I’m going outside; I may be some time’

Step forward and rattle the bells on your hat, Alastair Campbell. The man behind many of the news stories has now become the story himself.

It could be an act of selfless heroism up there with Captain Oates.

The Independent says that Campbell’s allegation that the BBC has exercised bias against the Government in its coverage of war in Iraq has set the corporation and Tony Blair’s spin doctor on a ‘collision’ course.

Last night the BCC’s governors emerged from a meeting in one mind. Gavyn Davies, the Beeb’s chairman, called on Campbell to withdraw his claims of bias.

In a statement, repeated fully in the Times, Mr Davies says that the BBC’s coverage of the Iraq issue has been ‘entirely impartial’.

The response to the statement of BBC unity by No.10 is as direct. ‘We are saddened that the BBC continues to defend the indefensible,’ it tells the Telegraph.

This ‘indefensible’ is not the suggestion that the dossiers might have been designed to win public support for war, talking of the 45-minute deployment time for weapons of mass destruction and such, but that the Prime Minister misled the nation.

In a further statement, spoken through Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, Campbell’s new deputy, we hear that the enemy are moving up the Thames on a flotilla of nuclear-powered dinghies and lilos and unless we all give Tony our complete support and stop being so negative the world will end in seconds.

We have been warned…

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Posted: 7th, July 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Cheep And Nasty

‘HARK! Can you hear that? Unless we are very mistaken that’s a breeding pair of Golden Oriole (Oriolus oriolus). And…yes, it is a lesser spotted woodpecker calling out in a clear summer voice.

‘And I can whistle The Great Escape’

Great to hear these bird in full throat. Slightly, odd, though, that they should be aboard the 7:15 to Waterloo and talking to ‘Clive’ in accounts about ‘stage three’ and the new girl in sales.

But we can expect to hear yet rarer sounds, as the Times reports that the British Library is releasing its collection of recordings of creature noises to the kind of people who usually equip their mobile phones with passages of Mission Impossible and the Great Escape theme music.

Those two ‘songs’ are the most favourite ringtones on today’s mobiles phones, a fact delivered by the Telegraph.

Others among the top ten ways to drive your neighbour to murder are The Rainbow theme, Tubular Bells and the themes from the Muppets, Only Fools And Horses and the A-Team.

Soon, however, these irritants will be usurped by the sounds of gorillas thumping their chests, the roars of lions, the hiss of a cobra and the shrill sound of someone screaming: ‘If you don’t turn that ringer off I’m going to shove it right up your…’

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Posted: 7th, July 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Going…Going…Gonk!

‘WITH the fox one step closer to being spared the chase, animal protectors are wrapping their shields around the humble goldfish.

‘My memory’s playing tricks on me again’

The Guardian says that the RSPCA is supporting a ban on funfair stallholders who give goldfish as prizes.

The organisation say that the lone fish in the plastic bag is an abuse of animal rights.

Anyone lucky enough to get a hoop around the frog on the lily pad, score over 21 with three darts or get the ball up the clown’s leg should be content with a ‘gonk’ or an outsized cuddly toy.

What exactly a gonk is, we would like to know. But the message is that giving pets as prizes is wrong.

It’s a viewpoint backed up by evidence, such as the case of the bagged goldfish that became attached to helium balloons and ended up snagged in a tree.

This must stop. It is not clever and it is, clearly, not funny.

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Posted: 7th, July 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment