Music Category
Music news and reviews, music videos and tittle tattle, with a lingering look at the past from Anorak. A source for rock, pop, album and live music, new releases, artist interviews and features.
Eurovision 2011: Blue Are Now A Cartoon
BLUE, the UK entry into the Eurovision Song contest, have been turned into a two cartoon.
Yep, yeah the early middle-aged boybanders have been transformed into a 2D outfit. What are the odds?
As MEN put sit soberly:
Joining an elite group of acts like The Jackson 5 and The Beatles.
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Mariah Carey Wants Everyone To Guess Her Twins Names
MARIAH Carey is, of course, more mental than a tree filled with talking toasters. She became pregnant with twins, which left the universe considering implosion briefly. Could the human race stand Mariah gloating about her working ovaries? Could we collectively take the cloying praise bestowed on her little bundles of disappointments?
One person who doesn’t care about our feelings is Mariah Carey who, for some inexplicable reason, wants us all to guess the names of her newborns, who were brought into the world while Carey was listening to one of her own albums.
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Posted: 3rd, May 2011 | In: Music | Comments (3)
Def Leppard Tribute Act Wants One-Armed Flame Retardant Drummer
SITUATIONS Vacant: Pyromania, the “hottest” Def Leppard tribute band in Dallsa are looking for a one-armed drummer:
“Must have flame retardant kit & stick.”
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Steven Tyler Took American Idol Job To Irritate Aerosmith Bandmates
RUBBER duck faced, No Frills Mick Jagger – Steven Tyler – has been talking about his decision to take the American Idol gig. It seemed a strange decision to stick a supposed wild man of RAWK on the judging panel for a show that, in essence, churns out obedient pop singers, waiting for the zeitgeist to hit them, rather than create it. So, apart from cold hard cash and attention, what were Tyler’s motives?
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Posted: 27th, April 2011 | In: Music | Comment (1)
RIP Poly Styrene: ‘Oh Bondage, Up Yours!’
RIP Poly Styrene, aka Marianne Elliot Said. Cue the nostalgia. But Poly was not always accepted. She was once the anti-fashion rebel. She was the screeching voice of X Ray Spex, a band that if you blinked you missed. But they mattered. At their pomp, the punk bands were everything the Establishment hated.
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Lady GaGa Didn’t Mean ‘Retard’ Like That, She Meant It The Other Way
UH-OH! Lady Gaga is in trouble again! Why? Has she been wearing meat again, making vegetarians puke? Nope. Has she been living inside a hot water bottle made from tinfoil while wearing a hat made from scrota?
Sadly not. She’s got into a little trouble because she said the word “retarded”.
That’s right. When answering claims that she copied Madonaa’s ‘Express Yourself’ on her (infuriatingly catchy) ‘Born This Way’, she said:
“I’m a songwriter. I’ve written loads of music. Why would I try to put out a song and think I’m getting one over on everybody? That’s retarded.”
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Morrissey Talks About David Cameron, Like You Care
MORRISSEY, rock’s longest face, has refuted claims that he banned suet faced Prime Minister David Cameron from his dressing room at a concert.
The fact is, Mozza probably didn’t have to ban Cameron from his shows because the coalition leader will have no doubt been sneered at by bespectacled Smiths fans, all pathetically grazing his back with their well thumbed Morrissey scrapbooks, pomade and NHS hearing aids.
Seeing as Cameron is a Tory, he’s completely oblivious to criticism. You could call him the most unspeakable insult right to his puddingy head, and he’d spin it into some kind of discourse about something so tedious, that you’ll end up killing yourself at his feet, which he’d then use as encouragement to carrying the devastating cuts, as tribute to you.
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Lady Gaga Is Not Madonna’s Camel: She Also Looks Like Kylie, Britney And Christina
LADY Gaga is pilloried for being Madonna’s cameal – a popstar formed by committee. But the criticism is unfair: Lady Gaga has also adopted the looks of Kylie Minogue, Gwen Stefani, Christina Aguilera, Grace Jones and Britney Spears. It is all done with a massive sense of self-awareness, of course. Gaga would not more pass off an old look as her own as she would bash out a Euro pop number entitled Alejandro that sounds a lot like an Ace Of Base track, which in turn was not overly different to Aswad’s Don’t Turn Around…
Posted: 20th, April 2011 | In: Music | Comments (4)
Susan Boyle Waxes: Photos Of The Hair Angel’s Public Smoothing
SUSAN Boyle is no longer a Hairy Angel, having been immortalised in wax at the opening of Madame Tussauds, Blackpool.
Boyle is now the Depilated Angel, guaranteed not to chaffe your tongue, tickle your top lip nor ladder your tights.
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‘Who Killed Smiley Culture?’
THE death of Smiley Culture, aka David Emmanuel, continues to make waves. Today demonstrators were outside New Scotland Yard, marching in protest of the death of the man during a raid on his home in Surrey last month. The official version of events is that Mr Emmanuel stabbed himself in the heart when – during the raid – he went to make a cup of tea in his kitchen.
“Who killed Smiley Culture?” asks the protesters.
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Blue Invent Turd Pop With Inevitable Eurovision Failure!
BLUE are impressively awful. They make music for people who clearly don’t own a rudimentary ear or functioning brain cell. And making up the numbers in the band are Lee ‘Doesn’t Care About The Victims Of 911’ Ryan, Duncan ‘Looks Like A Dummy In The Window Of Next’ James, Simon ‘A Thing To Occupy Some Shoes’ Webb and, last and by no means least, Anthony ‘Likes Having A Piss On Cash Machines’ Costa.
And these reprobates are leading the charge into Europe like the most ineffectual army the world has ever known, as they stake a claim to be slightly more popular than a singing funeral director from Moldova or whatever they’re entering into this year’s Eurovision Song Contest.
So dislikeable are the boys from Blue, that we’re are absolutely guaranteed to make the rest of Europe hate us so much that they might actually declare war against us or, indeed, ask us as a nation, to never make another sound for the rest of eternity.
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Posted: 14th, April 2011 | In: Music | Comment (1)
Israeli Prime Minister Hates Justin Bieber Or Something
JUSTIN Bieber has slowly been revealing himself as a little superbrat. An impressive feat seeing as he’s only a matter of minutes old, still dripping in amniotic juices and placental gunk.
Rumour has it that, despite not having grown a proper set of finger nails yet, the pint sized popstar is already cheating on his celebrity girlfriend, Selena Gomez, and has been caught flipping the bird at the paparazzi after they took his picture repeatedly (not that he likes the attention and the riches and privilege that comes with being someone in the public consciousness constantly).
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Mariah Carey Is Stupid Because She Thinks Her Unborn Twins Have Different Personalities
IT must be slowly dawning on Mariah Carey that she’s not the only person on Earth who has ever had a baby. As each new stretch mark appears on her drum-taut stomach and each haemorrhoid pings like popcorn from her anus, her sheer will to make this whole pointless event special grows and grows.
Fact is, her new children are just another pair of things to occupy some vital space on our failing planet. They’re guaranteed to grow-up to be disappointing adults, drunk on their own sense of self worth and ultimately jaded at the prospect that they’re just things that live to ultimately die without ever achieving anything remotely great in their lives.
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Posted: 12th, April 2011 | In: Music | Comment (1)
Fugees To Reform To Remind Us How Few Hits They Actually Had
RUMOURS are floating around some imagined pop ether, noting that the Fugees may be reuniting to peddle out old hits and remind us how irritating Wyclef Jean is, how mental Lauren Hill has become and just who Pras Michel is at all.
This is the first time a reunion has been suggested, but this time, producer Jerry “Wonda” Duplessis is weighing in, saying that they may be getting back together.
Why should we trust someone called Duplessis?
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Posted: 8th, April 2011 | In: Music | Comment (1)
Is This The Sickest Thing Michael Jackson’s Ever Done In London?
MICHAEL Jackson has been spotted hanging a baby from the window of The London’s Premises Studios. Can it be that rehashing old songs has failed to keep Jacko in hush money? Can babies talk?
Having tossed a few pebbles, insults and bricks at the figure, we came to realise that it’s a statue that recreates the moment Jackson dangled his child from a window in Berlin way back in 2002.
We also lean that the effigy is the work of Swedish-born artist Maria von Kohler. It’s called Madonna and Child. And that’s odd because until now we’d only heard rumours that Madonna and Jackson created a baby. If they did, it might be best to keep the blanket over the chimera’s head until the features have settled down.
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Posted: 8th, April 2011 | In: Music | Comment (1)
Are The Stone Roses Going To Ruin Our Year By Reforming?
THE Stone Roses – a band who made one decent LP, followed it up with a collection of odds-and-sods, then bowed out with a sludgy blokerock LP that avowed contrarians defend to the hilt – may be reuniting to pay off some mortgages and generally remind everyone just how awful they were live.
Of course, it was roughly one year ago that this persistent rumour was last muttered about, and it probably has as much truth in it as it ever has.
However, there’s legions of slightly balding men in Adidas shell-toes and cod-mod parkas all desperate to see the return of a band they could never quite let go of.
With that, the Ben Sherman crew will be pink with glee and fizzing at the mouth with nostalgia at the reports that Ian Brown and John Squire have made friends after not speaking for around 15 years.
Apparently, the two muttered to each other about playing together again after meeting at bandmate Mani’s mum’s funeral. Nice to see two lads talking business while a corpse slowly goes cold before them.
It’s said that Ian broke the ice at the wake, as well as displaying one of the longest faces in rock ‘n’ roll. Before long they were hugging, back-slapping and reminiscing about the good times.”
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Jay Z Loses His Mind And Becomes Fan Of Kerry Katona
JAY-Z, for the most part, is a man you can trust. He’s given the world a frightening amount of great hip hop records, shared fine artists like Rihanna via his record label and, of course, he’s married to Beyonce which shows he has impeccable taste in the female form.
Or does he? You see, J-Hova has clearly lost his bap as he’s apparently come forward as a fan of Kerry Katona.
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Posted: 6th, April 2011 | In: Key Posts, Music | Comment (1)
Plan B Would Like To Do A Comedy TV Show
IF his preposterous pop-rap career wasn’t comedic enough, Plan B would apparently love to star in a comedy show on the television! Imagine the japes he could get up to! Telling his hilarious stories about selling a bit of weed way back when and ‘conquering soul music’! Haw haw!
Apparently, Plan B (real name Clarence Glans Thimbleberry III) would only do it… not that anyone has shown the vaguest bit of interest in giving him his own show… if he could showcase his ”sick” humour.
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Rebecca Black To Sue ‘Friday’ And Biting The Hand That Feeds Her While She’s At It
REMEMBER when everyone thought it was funny to go tell a 2 year old girl to go self harm herself to death for making a bad record? Those were fun times weren’t they?
Of course, everyone’s hatred and projected loathing saw Rebecca Black reportedly earning an impressive $27,000 per week, leaving her to cry amongst toppling wealth. That’s the usual trade-off in fairness and at least she got it out of the way before the agony of adulthood broke into her brains and turned her into a listless, jaded husk of her former self.
That said, this hallowed out feeling has already started to creep into the bones of young Ms Black as she’s decided to indulge in a very adult activity – no, not that kind of activity you lisping pervert – as she’s all set to take out a lawsuit!
And so, are we to assume she’s going for the jugular against though who made incredibly harmful comments against her? Don’t be stupid! She’s going after the people who facilitated her fame!
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Liam Gallagher’s Help Japan Benefit Concert: Grandstanding Photos
THE Help Japan benefit concert at the O2 Academy Brixton featured event organiser Liam Gallagher, Paul Weller, Kelly Jones of the Stereophonics, Richard Ashcroft, The Coral and Primal Scream. This was a one-off gig last night in aid of relief efforts for victims of the Japan earthquake and tsunami.
Said Gallagher:
“Whenever that kind of stuff happens, it’s not good, is it? It’s not just because we’re popular in Japan. As a human, you just think it’s heavy. We’ve always had close ties with Japan and great affection for our fans out there. Our hope is that this benefit concert can help the people of Japan.”
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The Miley Cyrus Sex Doll Comes With A Warning
THE Miley Cyrus sex doll is finally here. The photo on the box is less overtly sexual than many of Miley’s wholesome poses.
The Finally Miley love doll boasts “3 achey love holes“.
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Susan Boyle At 50: Birthday Photos
SUSAN Boyle is 50. We went to see her open cards at her house in Blackburn, Scotland. The woman is warm, gracious and immensely likable. She’s every inch the untypical star…
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Posted: 1st, April 2011 | In: Music | Comment (1)
Kylie Minogue Plays Carry On Aphrodite In Glasgow
KYLIE Minogue plays Glasgow’s SECC on a leg of her Aphrodite Tour 2011. The show was more Carry On Kylie than concert. It would make a half-decent comic-musical – with Babs Windsor as Old Mrs Aphrodite and Bradley Walsh as ‘Muttons’…
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The Greatest Songs About The Police (Not All In Favour)
WHEN Smiley Culture died, we played his hit Police Officer loud, and we wondered what are the best songs about the police – ever! Here is our Best Police Themed songs ever (not all – are any? – are in favour of The Cops):
The Equals “Police On My Back”
Fela Kuti (Sorrow, Tears and Blood)
Leading on to… Whoop! Whoop!
KRS One “Sound of Da Police”
Drive By Truckers – I Used To Be A Cop
Blind Blake – Police Dog Blues
Supergrass – Caught By The Fuzz
The Rolling Stones – Undercover Of The Night
Ice T – Cop Killer (NSFW)
N.W.A – Fuck Tha Police
Happy Monday’s – God’s Cop (tribute to Sir James Anderton, Chief Constable of Greater Manchester, who said he was “an instrument of divine judgement”.
Alkaline Trio – Cop
Dead Kennedys – Police Truck
And here it is:
Justin Bieber Plays Nottingham: Photos (With Flies Up)
JUSTIN Bieber was at the Nottingham Capital FM Arena. He sang. He danced. He remembered to do his flies up…
