Celebrities Category
Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Beyonce Knowles catches Jay-Z head in a door
BEYONCE Knowles spent part of the week showcasing her new nails. Beyonce’s nails feature portraits of herself and husband Jay-Z. Not all fingers are covered with faces, and the thinking is that for the right price you can put your likeness or brand on Beyonce’s nails. A week as Beyonce’s thumb would set you back a cool $1m, while the fourth toe on the left foot – the marketing dead zone – is perfect for online bingo sites and debt management agencies.
Meanwhile, we look out for Beyonce using Jay-Z to picker her nose, illustrating her displeasure at an undertaking truck driver and watching his head hang loose as she catches a nail on a stray diamond…
Posted: 10th, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Michael Jackson’s corpse and the case of the big fake will
WHEN any furiously wealthy person dies, there’s always a mad scramble through the ribcage of the cadaver in a bid to stake some kind of financial claim. It’s all incredibly undignified and very rarely gets cleared up quickly and neatly.
And so, supreme corpse, Michael Jackson, has something of a dogfight on his grave as everyone tries to get a slice of his vast riches and now, the very validity of his will is being questioned, this time in federal court.
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Posted: 9th, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
The Stranglers and a Mariachi band sing Golden Brown
SONG of the day: Hugh Cornwell joins Mariachi Mexteca in London to sing The Stranglers’ narcocorrido classic Golden Brown:
Spotter: DM
Pictures emerge that suggest Chris Brown is gay?
WHEN Frank Ocean declared that he wasn’t straight, there was thunderous applause from all corners. Frank Ocean: Nice guy, super talent and having sex with whoever he feels like. Cool eh? What about Chris Brown then? What happens if he’s gay or bisexual?
Because Chris Brown is a ghoulish, Rihanna-punching imbecile, are we supposed to be thrilled or hoot in mockery? It is very hard to tell these days.
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Posted: 8th, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Katy Perry defecates in a bucket these days
DIVORCEES often do strange things. Mostly, they’re booze induced. However, Katy Perry tops the lot after her split with Russell Brand.
For some inexplicable reason, Katy Perry has admitted she uses buckets instead of toilets backstage on tour. That’s right. Katy Perry defecates into mop buckets rather than using a toilet like a normal member of civilisation. And there’s more.
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Posted: 8th, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Drake and Chris Brown beef is back on, via Aaliyah’s corpse
RAP beefs are numerous, but without a shadow of a doubt, the lamest of them all is the one currently playing out between Drake and Chris Brown. As we know, Chris Brown is a dreadful article, beating Rihanna up and steadfastly refusing to apologise, preferring to play the victim himself. And then there’s Drake. He’s so feeble that he looks like a man constantly on the verge of crying. He probably cries at John Lewis adverts.
And now, Drake is adding kindling to the meagre fire by having a pop at Breezy and, tastefully, he’s doing it via Aaliyah’s cadaver. Sadly, he’s not got a Ouija board out to undertake the diss (that would be brilliant), but rather, through a resurrected vocal from the late RnB singer.
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Posted: 8th, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Groucho Marx endorses lightbulb snatching and more
GROUCHO Marx was a funny man.But could he make you buy thing? Would a Groucho Marx endorsement make housewives buy products, like lightbulbs, shaving goods, breakfast frosted flakes and peanut butter? Someone thought so:
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Posted: 8th, August 2012 | In: Celebrities, Flashback, The Consumer | Comment (1)
Elton John calls Madonna a ‘fairground stripper’
MADONNA has always had her detractors and, while they are mostly unfair, sadly for Madge, they’re quite often very funny. Morrissey once said that she was the closest thing to legalised prostitution on Earth and Joan Rivers said that the singer is “so hairy, when she lifted her arm, I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.”
And now, Elton John is sticking the sequinned boot in.
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Posted: 7th, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Have no fear Pussy Riot – Madonna is here to adopt you
HAVE no fear Pussy Riot girls, Madonna is supporting you from afar. The Russian group face years in prison for criticising Russian President Vladimir Putin. You can read more of their alleged crimes here. Says Madonna:
“I’m against censorship, so I hope that the judge is lenient with them and that they are freed soon.”
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Posted: 7th, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Ellen Page gets death threats, despite seemingly like the nicest person in Hollywood
YOU’VE seen Juno right? It stars the incredibly likeable Ellen Page who is probably really cool in real life and not at all like those other awful, prissy arses who clog up Hollywood’s veins.
Well, despite being lovely, she’s got herself a load of death threats because she’s apparently having sex with a popular hunk.
Authorities reportedly are investigating these death threats (sent via Twitter of course, because that’s where all criminals hang out now) which read: “I’m going to murder Ellen Page. She’s dead.”
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Posted: 6th, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
J-Lo’s boyfriend Casper ‘accidentally’ went into ‘exotic massage parlour’
WE’VE all been there haven’t we? Accidentally finding ourselves in an exotic massage parlour… then an adult bookshop… then in a lingerie store. It happens all the time. And so, we find ourselves pitying poor Jennifer Lopez because that’s what her boyfriend has done.
Yep, her 25-year-old beau, Casper Smart isn’t living up to his name by bringing the rumour mill to J-Lo’s doorstep. AGAIN. Casper paid a visit to a so-called “exotic massage parlour” and a gay porn shop and now, Lopez is thinking about being single.
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Posted: 6th, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Cuba Gooding Jr calls bartender a massive racist… or is he a woman beater?
REMEMBER Cuba Gooding Jr. shouted ‘show me the money!’ at Tom Cruise? Well, now he’s shouting ‘YOU’RE A THUNDEROUS RACIST!’ at a bartender who got him thrown out of a New Orleans booze establishment this week.
Apparently, fans were trying to take photos of the actor and he got a little heated up, which somehow ended up with him allegedly shoving a female bartender around. He got thrown out and ended up in a different watering hole called, brilliantly, The Alibi.
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Posted: 3rd, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Miley Cyrus: Not dead, but owner of serious sideboob
WHAT a week it has been for Miley Cyrus. Firstly, we got the chance to see her sideboob in a photo that was leaked online showing the mercifully legal singer naked, in the bath and now, she’s not dead! She’s probably most thrilled about the ‘being alive’ thing.
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Posted: 3rd, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Macaulay Culkin, $6,000 of smack per month and a long thin face
ONCE the adorable little urchin who, somehow, kept being left at home without the intervention of Social Services, Macaulay Culkin was a gigantic banker in ’90s Hollywood. Like all good child-stars, his career went down the pan after he stopped being as cutesy as he once was.
So what’s he up to now? Well, the last we heard of him, he was getting dumped by Mila Kunis (yes, unfathomably, they were dating). But now, he’s apparently doing $6,000 worth of heroin. A month. A MONTH! That’s an admirable amount of smack, it has to be said.
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Posted: 3rd, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)
What’s all this about Janet Jackson slapping Michael’s kid across the face?
NASTY is what Janet Jackson once claimed to be. Mind you, she also sang: “Privacy is my middle name, my last name is control,” which is clearly untrue as she’d be called Janet Privacy Control, which is a nonsense. Apologies to anyone with the name Janet Control out there.
Either way, reports have been doing the rounds saying that Janet has been living up to her nasty monicker by slapping Michael Jackson’s daughter, Paris, across the face while shouting at her. Apparently, she called her a “spoiled little bitch.”
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Posted: 2nd, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Chris Brown shows deep interest in Frank Ocean’s sexuality
WHEN Frank Ocean didn’t reveal he was gay to the world (the implication, to people who actually digested his words was that he’s bisexual, but no-one was listening properly, preferring instead to coo about how he’s the first gay person ever), he became an overnight sensation.
With that, everyone had an opinion on it. 50 Cent did his best to be supportive, but garbled his message by saying it was fine that people choose to live like that. He clearly didn’t mean ‘choice’, but whatever. Of course, rentagit Chris Brown opened his mouth without kicking his brain out of reverse.
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Posted: 1st, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Professor Green shows gasping lack of wisdom on eating disorders and infidelity
GRANTED, we may be asking a bit much of Professor Green to be anything approaching intelligent. It is probably asking a bit much to hope that he makes a record that doesn’t sound like the most substandard hip-pop with Cuddles The Monkey babbling over the top, too.
We’re not here to talk about his awful records though. We’re here to listen to what he has to say about eating disorders and infidelity.
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Posted: 31st, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Gilllian Anderson is not 100% gay, okay?
THIRTYSOMETHING men may have lusted after Scully from X Files, but it seems that women should’ve too because Gillian Anderson has had relationships with the fairer sex. Of course, this news saw people leaping to their feet and proclaiming ‘THEN, SHE MUST BE A GAY!”, completely forgetting that bisexual people exist and, furthermore, people who can’t be bothered putting a label on what they are because, ultimately, it is absolutely futile.
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Posted: 31st, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
The best Big Four accountancy firm theme songs
THE Big Four accountancy firms are locked in battle for popper supremacy.
KPMG Theme Song – Global Strategy or Power and Energy
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Demi Moore, reeling from the break-up with Ashton Kutcher, spotted with younger man (well duh)
WITH Ashton Kutcher (astonishingly) rumoured to be getting off with Mila Kunis, Demi Moore has apparently been left devastated. And so, there’s only one thing she can feasibly do – and that’s to get off with a young gentlemen, purely out of spite.
Of course, Demi Moore – Hollywood’s Mumm-Ra – will always end up with a younger man, provided she doesn’t shag Count Dracula. And with the Dark Prince, she seemingly shares a fondness for young blood. If she carries on like this, then don’t be surprised to see a televised special where she eats babies while grinding on Justin Bieber.
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Posted: 30th, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
RIP Geoffrey Hughes – you were Paul McCartney’s voice
RIP Geoffrey Hughes, you were Coronation Street binman Eddie Yates. You taught Southerners how to “mash tea” and “side dishes”. You were also in Z-Cars, Skins and The Likely Lads. Epically, you were the voice of Paul McCartney, standing in for the singing great’s voice in the Beatles film Yellow Submarine. Geoffrey Hughes – sounded better than Paul McCartney. That’s no small epitaph…
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Posted: 29th, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Anthea Turner walks in poor Della’s shoes as Grant Bovey ‘cheats’
AT times like this we pare a thought for Della. The Sun repots that Anthea Turner is“heartbroken” over allegations that her husband Grant Bovey, 50, has been having sex with a 24-year-old.
Anthea, 52, is said to have told a friend: “I’m devastated, but the support of Grant’s daughters is keeping me going.”
A source said: “She is going through a hellish time and keeps crying on the phone. She needs a bit of space to think and clear her head.”
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Posted: 29th, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Robert Pattinson demanded public apology as he feels emotion for the first time in his life
CRUSHINGLY tedious Robert Pattinson has spent his life in much the same way plankton has, silently floating through life with all the charisma of a bin bag, gently knocked side-to-side by the elements, ostensibly waiting to die. However, things have changed. Like a Sims character, he’s developing real human emotions and it is all because his gal, Kristen Stewart, has received the penis of another.
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Posted: 27th, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
David Beckham discusses Victoria dinner with Obama and Cameron
DAVID Beckham is appearing all over the Olympics. His legacy wilt be Let’s Move!, a keep fit campaign he backed before Michelle Obama and 1,000 American military children and American and British students at the American Ambassador’s residence in London, and food. Earlier,. Beckham met Prime Minister David Cameron to discuss the issue of hunger across the world. Voices opined that if Beckham can’t Victoria to eat, maybe the UN can..
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Posted: 27th, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Blue Ivy Carter showcases her line of massive Santa socks
JAY-Z wants to shed a few word about Blue Ivy Carter, his daughter with Beyoncé. Blue Ivy lives a life of gilded ostentation the sultan of Brunei has been pushed to call “showy“. In his new tune, 3 Kings, Jay-Z boasts:
Niggas couldn’t fuck with my daughter’s room
Niggas couldn’t walk in my daughter’s socks
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Posted: 27th, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
