Whitney Houston had affair with married man at 15 – Michael Jackson blushes

IN “Whitney’s secret affair with Jackson”, the Sun leads with news that Whitney Houston had a “secret affair” with…Big Brother star Jermaine Jackson. Having been told earlier that Whitney wanted to marry Michael Jackson, we enter the realm of mistaken identity.

Pinning down what Michael Jackson looked like was akin to hitting a moving target. Thoughts are that had the King of Pop lived longer, he’d have been mistaken for Joe Jackson and be a freckle away from EastEnders harridan Bianca Jackson.

Says the Sun:

The romance explains why 56-year-old Jermaine — a married man at the time — was so devastated by pop diva Whitney’s death in a Los Angeles hotel last month.

Anorak

Posted: 4th, March 2012 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Zero Dark Thirty: Osama bin Laden film attracts predictable protests from extras

ZERO Dark Thirty is Kathryn Bigelow’s film about Osama bin Laden. It’s being filmed in Chandigarh, India. The right-winged Hindu nationalist group Vishwa Hindu Parishad, or World Hindu Council, have protested against the hoisting of Pakistani flags during the shooting of the film.

Bigelow was denied permission to film in Pakistan. So Chandigarh became Lahore.

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, March 2012 | In: Film | Comment

Charlie Sheen is looking for an intern

CHALKIE Sheen is looking for an interm. What does the job entail and is a resume by video catalogue only..?

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Engelbert Humperdinck to represent the UK at Eurovision

EUROVISION is getting among everyone again, and in the latest desperate, needy grab at being loved, the UK has tried to second guess the tastes of Europe by going insultingly kitsch and camp and hired Engelbert Humperdinck to represent.

Yes. An aging, prema-tanned man who does the jobs Tom Jones turns down.

Of course, that’s no slight on Engelbert because, face it, Quando Quando Quando is a toweringly good song and Release Me is a bona fide wedding reception classic. But will he get us loving looks from a collection of countries that essentially hate us?

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 2nd, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Does everyone know about Zac Efron’s public condom?

SO, you’re Zav Efron on the red carpet and being upstaged by all-manner of women showing their legs and arse-cleavage in their expensive gowns. Thinking that no-one in their right mind would bother looking at some bloke in Yet Another Tuxedo, you aimless amble your way to the premiere.

If you look like Zac Efron, people are looking at you because they like your well-sculpted face. You don’t notice them as you fumble around in your pocket. And while you do, something falls out onto the floor and suddenly, you’re aware that your entire surroundings has become a strobefest as the paps flood your brain with flashes.

At last week’s Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax premiere, Zac Efron dropped a condom on the red carpet because he was obviously going to be getting lucky that night.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 2nd, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Justin Bieber gets a soaked in syrup and a car from One Direction’s Ellen – birthday video

JUSTIN Bieber is legal to have sex with. No tabloid countdown clock preceded this move. But if you want to shag Bieber, you now legally can. To mark the happening Bieber went on the Ellen Degeneres show. Ellen, took time out from being a member of One Direction (Niall Horan) to help a steaming mountain of praise on the singer for his selflessness and good deeds in face of mass fame and wealth accumulation. She invite someone named Scooter to give Bieber a $100,000 Fisker Karma.

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, March 2012 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Kerry Katona is Jay Z’s British Kim Kardashian

KERRY Katona has a thought in Now:

“People have said that I’m like the British version of Britney. I don’t know why but at least I never shaved my head. Jay-Z apparently thinks I’m a cool cat. He wants to turn me into the British version of Kim Kardashian. Well, he’s definitely got taste and knows talent when he sees it.”

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Madonna has sex over a cattle grid

MADONNA might be trying to stick the knife in to the libidos of her former lovers when she says:

“I prefer high heels to sex. They last longer.”

It all depends, of course, if you are having high-heeled sex of over a cattle grid or Army assault course –  or if you want to hang onto a naked partner for decades in the bottom of a cupboard while they gather dust and go in and out and in and out vogue…

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Meatloaf struck down by Loose Women’s cursed banana

MEATLOAF was unable to appear on ITV’s Loose Woman not long after he placed a banana on his head. Fruit is bad for you. Five a day might be a cry for help…

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (8)

Harry Potter: Hogwarts castle at the Warner Bros Studio Tour – in photos

EVER wonder why the stars of The Harry Potter films are so small, all sons and daughters of stars from Michael Bentine’s Potty Time? It’s because they have to fit into Hogwarts. which is not larger than a small camper van. Jose Granell, model supervisor, has unviled a model of Hogwarts castle at the Warner Bros Studio Tour, Watford, London. The Hogwarts castle model was built for the first film ‘Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone’, it was created for aerial photography and was digitally scanned for CGI scenes. It took 86 artists and crew members to construct, it measures over 50 feet in diameter and has over 2,500 fibre optic lights.

Anorak

Posted: 1st, March 2012 | In: Film | Comment

Pregnant Chantelle still shagging Alex Reid despite being massively pregnant because he might cheat on her

CLASSY news time and Britain’s most simultaneously gruesome but haplessly likeable couple (likeable in a way that, they’re so blissfully stupid that you can’t help but wish them well after being mangled by the gawdawful machinery of fame) Alex Reid and  fiancée Chantelle Houghton are talking about their sex lives.

They’ve announced that they will definitely be having more than one child together, which is all well and normal. However, it is the way they talk about it which may make you dry-heave.

Chantelle is 5 months pregnant with their baby daughter and Alex is already planning for them to have a boy, too. In slightly rapey tones, Reid says:

“She has no choice. She’s going to get Reidernated again!”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 1st, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

The Smiths, Starship, Europe and Rick Astley form Election Aid to force David Cameron to call general election

IN an NME interviewJohnny Marr, of The SMiths fame, says he will put the band back together is David Cameron calls a general election:

“We won’t be reforming this week. Maybe if the government stepped down. If this government stepped down, I’ll reform the band. How’s that? That’s a fair trade, isn’t it? I think the country would be better off, don’t you? I’ll do it if the coalition steps down.”

Anorak

Posted: 1st, March 2012 | In: Music | Comment (1)

Zayn Quits One Direction!

NOT ones to entirely mock the bereaving, Zayn Malik is absolutely and definitely quitting One Direction.

That’s right! He’s left the US tour and won’t be coming back! For a short while! Because his Auntie died! And he’s going to the funeral!

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 1st, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Steve McFadden – Me and my Paisley Vienna

HOW’S the showbiz life treating Steve McFadden, the EastEnders hard man (who has hung out with other hard men)? Well, for £12.50 you can meet him behind the scene at a live appearance on 3rd March at  Vienna’s in Paisley.

Exclusive backstage pass to our cocktail lounge giving you the chance to meet Steve in private after the show, along with a complimentary glass of bubbly & reserved seating area (reserved seating on first come basis)

Anorak

Posted: 1st, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

Remarkably, someone has had condomless sex with Snooki

IF you’ve ever seen Jersey Shore (what do you mean you haven’t? Reading books were you and sneering at everyone because you’re too cool to have a Facebook account?), you’ll know how repugnant every single stinking person is who stars in it.

There’s someone in it called ‘The Situation’ and he’s so galling that Abercrombie & Fitch went as far as banning him from wearing their clothes. And there’s Snooki. She’s a lady who likes to talk about her minge and generally totter around all three-feet tall and bright, brilliant orange like a satsuma version of Amy Winehouse in her decomposing years.

Regarding the latter, quite astonishingly, someone’s gone and had sex with her. Without a condom on. So much so that she’s got a Mini Snooki growing inside her.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 29th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Brazilian man uses Jack Nicholson fake ID like a massive dumbass

LET us imagine for one second, that you wanted to open a bank account. Nothing unusual there. Now, imagine further, that you’ve got a chequered past and you might have to use a fake ID card. Fine. Contact your nearest criminal, provide them with an envelope of used bank notes and a photograph for the card.

Right? Good. What happens if you haven’t got a picture of yourself?

Clearly, the only sensible thing left to do is to provide a photograph of the gigantically famous Hollywood actor, Jack Nicholson. No-one will ever notice, right?

Wrong.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 29th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Peter Andre’s cancer ‘n’ tell

PETER Andre’s brother has cancer. So. There will be no more said about it. It’s a private time for his brother. Which leads us to the OK! front-page headline:

“Peter Andre’s bedside vigil – ‘this cancer has torn me apart’ – The distraught star speaks only to OK! about the life-threatening illness.”

It is nothing short of a “World exclusive”. It’s a cancer ‘n’ tell.

Anorak

Posted: 29th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Simon Cowell: Now single – no super-injunction required

LOCK UP precisely no-one because Simon Cowell’s penis is acting as a woman dowser again after reports suggest that he’s gone and split-up with his fiancee Mezhgan Hussainy. This is according to one of the music mogul’s friends. Louis Walsh then?

If you remember (of course you don’t – you have a life to be getting on with) the X Factor honcho proposed to the American Idol make-up artist in 2010, but alas, rumours of a split have been doing the rounds since time began. Probably not helped by the fact that Simon Cowell likes to go on holiday with large groups of women.

Cowell recently insisted he was confused about the romance, saying, “I’m vulnerable. It’s not on, it’s not off, it’s somewhere in the middle. I don’t know if I will ever get married, but I am happy.”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 28th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Gwyneth Paltrow sees Holy Mother and God in Blue Ivy Carter

GWYNETH Paltrow has gazed upon Blue Ivy Carter and told Hollywood Life that Beyonce and Jay-Z’s daughter is going to be a nurse on a NHS ward in Oldham:

“She is going to be an entertainer. She just has this glow around her like her mother. She’s stunning. She has the most beautiful eyes. Beyonce is doing great. She’s just a natural at being a mom.”

Anorak

Posted: 28th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Chuck Norris goes beyond meme after getting his own Slovakian bridge

THERE are many celebrities brought back to life through memes. Chuck Norris is a fine example of that. There’s a whole host of memes based on how hard he is. Things like ‘Chuck Norris does have an umbrella because he can kick rain in the genitals’ and ‘Chuck Norris doesn’t need medicine because he bullied all the illness out of his body’.

Okay, they were made up and terrible, but you know which memes we mean. And so, bending this meme fascination out of all proportion and back into the real world, Chuck Norris is reportedly getting a bridge in Slovakia named after him.

Apparently, a bridge that spans the country’s Morava river and will cross the border to neighbouring Austria has had it’s name deferred to the general public by way of an online vote.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 28th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

RAED is Still Flowin’ – World’s greatest rapper makes a movie

RAED is back. And this time the world’s greatest rapper has a movie. Still Flowin’ the movie is now presented in “full rough cut edit”. Can it be polished?

When we last saw Raed he was lamenting “She left me at a Christmas barbeque”,  was being declared the Winner of World’s Got Talent 2011 and starring in a most intense intro to a Fisher Price Rap.

Anorak

Posted: 28th, February 2012 | In: Music | Comment

In the movies – The top 10 rules

IN the movies there are rules. Here are the Top Ten:

movies_11

Image 1 of 11

Anorak

Posted: 28th, February 2012 | In: Film, Key Posts | Comment

Everyone cries ‘Who Is Billy Crystal?’ as he blacks-up for Oscars

CELEBRITY is a funny thing. It’s fleeting and elusive and, even if you’re Billy Crystal who starred in That Orgasm Scene From When Harry Met Sally, as well as hosting numerous Oscar ceremonies, it doesn’t mean you still have currency. And so, after some time away from the Academy Awards, Crystal was asked to host once again, after Eddie Murphy dropped out.

And how did it work out? Not well at all.

See, there’s been a reasonable amount of furore after Crystal decided to ‘black-up’ for his opening sketch for the show. Adopting a ‘black face’ is a bit… well… 1970s. People don’t stand for it these days, unless you’re Phonejacker.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 27th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Angelina Jolie’s right leg is a meme – photos

CAN Angelina Jolie’s right leg see off the challenge presented by Jennifer Lopez’s nipple to win the Oscars?  JLo’s stylist says that the nipple was not nipple. It was just your imagination working overtime.

As for Jolie, well, she finally put paid to the rumours that she keeps her legs together to prevents more babies tumbling out.

Anorak

Posted: 27th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Taylor Swift invites cancer patient to be her date, as if he hasn’t suffered enough

CANCER is a terrible, awful disease. When celebrities get it, they immediately become brave whereas civilians are just dreadfully unlucky. What about when the two worlds collide? Well, Taylor Swift is seeing to that, asking a cancer patient called Kevin McGuire to be her date to this year’s American Country Music Awards.

The poor sod.

In fairness, being Taylor Swifted is partly his own fault. The singer asked the 18-year-old to be her prince for the evening after she turned down his invitation for her to be his prom date.

In a Facebook message, Swift wrote: “Kevin I’m so sorry but I won’t be able to make it to your prom. But I was wondering, the ACM Awards are coming up. Would you be my date?”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 27th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (5)